“Self hate is real.”

i am hurting

You ever look in the mirror and the reflection is what you can’t stand to see. But it is the human that is staring back at you that hurts to see. You are struggling to cope with your existence that is you on the planet. And how do you fix not liking yourself and wanting to be something else? You are smart, attractive, successful, but something is missing. Can it potentially be love? Well, some people have love for others and the utmost compassion, but they are hurting. What is the underlying problem that is wrong with you? I not only have I been there, but I still struggle in my mind being this person some times where I wish I didn’t turn on the lights in the bathroom.

mental madness

Let me give you an insight into my mental craziness. I was born in the year 1987 and coming up on 32 years of age. And my mind has been this weird field of up and down chaos. I have spent so much of my life depressed and shying from people. It was due to being poor and physically not feeling like I measured up to standards. Here I am 32 years of age trying to reclaim a life I never lived. Growing up in a household with my sisters and mother, not having a man to build your identity, the flower blooms in certain ways. For me it meant not shedding a tear for everything and trying to find my way in a world where no one fully understands you because there is a gender gap in the house. So you question yourself: mentally, socially, sexually, and physically. Luckily for me, I know why I hated what I looked at. Some people will never make it to that point.

reinvention

Here is the great part about living in New York City. I can recreate myself at any point in time. That really aids in you trying to break out of the funk that you are in. Now, that doesn’t mean everyone in New York is happy. What it means is for someone like me, I can continue to move forward because everyday I walk outside I am dealing with multitudes of people who know nothing about me. I can always focus on me and what I need to do in life.

Personal Website: http://www.faheemjackson.squarespace.com

Instagram Me: @theefaheemjackson

Twitter Me: @2320howe

Author: faheemjackson44

I am from Racine, Wisconsin where I was raised until I graduated high school back in the year 2006. That entire time growing up in my mother's house, I was a student athlete. My goal was to embark on a general business career or athletics. But injuries through sports stopped a sports path, so I decided upon business with a focus in marketing. While attending undergraduate school at University of Wisconsin-Parkside, I began to write screenplays in my senior year. At first it was for fun, but I quickly learned writing allow me to transfer negative energy into characters I created. This led to a decrease in depressing mood swings, which in turn boosted my quality of life. After undergraduate school in May of 2011, I move to New York City for graduate school. While pursuing my MBA, I continued to write screenplays, but always wanted to write novels as well. I finished graduate school back in the year 2014, but wrote screenplays until I began thinking of my first short film, first First Day Fears. While finishing my fifth feature length screenplay, I started to write my first novel this year. So far, I have finished my first short film and working on my next one (Freedomless Speech), and recently self published my first novel (The Boy Who Could Talk To God) and short stories book (Faheem Jackson Short Story Collection Volume 1). My feature length screenplays have been put on temporary hold to finish my short films and books, but I am making good progress on my sixth feature length screenplay. With year 2017 ending, I am currently writing my novel Precinct 86 and Faheem Jackson Short Story Collection Vol. 2. I have started teaching myself photography and will pursuing that by summer of 2018, along with my videography, podcast later on, and more research for my documentary. View all posts by faheemjackson44