DATE NIGHT: THE NEW ERA OF DATING

Man and Woman Sitting Together in Front of Table

“Whose in charge of what?”


boy the times have changed

In today’s society the landscape of dating sure has taken a turn. It’s a far cry from what dating was like in our parents or even grandparents generation. You had a courting process that could take as much as a year or more. Today people are know to have sex in the same night that they meet. And I am just trying to understand, if the end game is having a long lasting relationship, does hooking up so soon work itself out. Some people argue that it does not matter while those with more life experience will say it is a big mistake to go into something so intimate so soon.

boy meets girl, sometimes

Times have also changed regarding who asks out who on a date. Still for the most part it’s guys meeting the girl. But there have been a wave of women asking guys out on dates. Now, it is still fairly new, but it has been a trend over time. Today’s women feels there should not be any restrictions on who ask who out on a date. I will caution women, that when you are more into us than we are into you, you could be running into some problems. So if this is a pursuit for relationship, then it could mean that he is the prize. So, now you become the constant hunter. Because as much as you think as a woman you are under control you really aren’t in control.

what is to come next

For the future to come, who knows what will be the next move forward. If only you knew that, there is a lot of money to be made. Why, well, people have been busy because individuals have to work more today. So the time spent dating is tough. And with the advent of all these dating apps, what will be the tech move to bring people even closer together?


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PLAYING FAVORITES: ARE BLACK WOMEN REALLY NOT A DATING CHOICE

Woman Wearing White Sleeveless Lace Shirt

“The selection process.”


the dating pool

In the selection process of dating for so long, there is this held belief that Black women are never the first choice for dating. Now as a man, I don’t believe in that, but let’s for a second observe the theory here. I myself, even though I am an African American, don’t fully understand the selection viewpoint of Black women. Not because I don’t care, mainly because in the paradigm of living have focused on my day-to-day task of survival. Also, even though I have two sisters, I have never asked them about their dating experiences as Black women. It wasn’t until recently now that I am over 30 years old did I really explore this belief.

the available bum

Now, in Black women’s environment there are these guys who lend themselves called, “Ready Made Bums.” They, in my opinion, are nowhere near a reflection of the overall selection pool. But who they are, they are these men who approach women with all the wrong intentions and in all the wrong ways. These men are microwave ready masculinity. Nothing that is of substance, nor anything that is worth satisfying for the long haul, thus the name Ready Made Bums. But like I said before, to what degree do these men exist in comparison to the ones that are out there who are of substance.

self-fulfilling prophecy

It is a known that what we put out there into the universe tends to come to us. So if you are moving about life saying men are bums, not many who aren’t will be around. Meaning, whatever you tell yourself about yourself will formulate even if it’s not true. My question to you would be if you say men are bums, where do you live? What are the venues you tend to hang out at on weekends? Who are your circle of friends? Who are other people in your lives that do have good relationships? Because if your daily life is around people who do have healthy relationships, it will rub off onto you. That’s why it’s important to watch your associations of people close to you.

those in your ear

A word to Black women, beware of the other women in your ear when seeking out a male companion. Especially if that woman giving you advice does not have or has a hard time acquiring herself a man. Because you’re going to also get all the wrong information filtered to you. She’s going to be giving you the advice based on her own problems. Why, well no woman is going to tell you how to get a good man; or introduce you to a good man before she gets a great man herself. That’s like me having a winning lotto ticket, I’m broke, but you need the money more than me. No, I’m cashing that ticket, then once I’m settled I’ll tell you how to get paid.

changing your scenery

Maybe a change in scenery would help Black women who feel this way. Planet Fitness is $10 per month; it’s a great way to meet men. Guys who are into health and wellness tend to have a great outlook on life. Another place to go would be, for those who can afford it, get a membership to a golfing club. A lot of professional men tend to spend their time golfing outside of work. It’s also a great place to make professional business connections as well. Try not to hang in groups, especially when seeking a male companion. Because you will be greatly influenced by the women in your circle. Remember, friends are friends, but friends at times may talk you out of a great relationship because they are thinking about who they think you should be with, not who you really should be with. Overall, get out, try things you never thought you would like: skydive, you biking, join a book club, and speed date.


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COURTING: HOW RELATIONSHIP UNIONS HAVE CHANGED OVER TIME

Photography of Couple Holding Hands

“Where have we gone wrong?”


dating norms

In life, we all want to meet that right person. But in a society where so much has changed, how do you go about meeting that right one? Because dating is not what it used to be in the old days. There was a process one had to go through before you were able to date. And that process always by way of the man getting grilled.

You had to qualify yourself for a date with a woman before even actually really getting to know her, but her family. That’s right, mom and dad had to have the final say. And then you were able to go on that date. And don’t even think about asking for sex. You were lucky to get  peck on the cheek, if that much.

process of the past

When you look at the past the steps you had to go through as follows:

Introduction
  • When you were a guy interested in a woman in the distant past, you had to first introduce yourself to the girl’s parents. Mainly, you had to let the girl’s father see you. And that doesn’t mean a date, it just means you’re interested so he knows.
Parental Discussion
  • Here is the part where the girl’s parents sit her down and they have a discussion with her. Asking her questions regarding who the boy is, and where is he from. Sometimes the girl acted as if she didn’t know, but she knew. And that would lead to the next step.
Parental sit down
  • This is the part where the boy is sat down in the house and asked a series of questions. Who is your kin? Where do you live? What does his parents do for a living? What is his intentions?
Parental Permission
  • And finally you get a chance a to go on that date, but you first have to get it cleared as the guy with your family. And they have to assess if its ok as well.
Date Night
  • And finally, the date night. Which is not really a date night because it’s at a well lit place. Usually you’re eating at a diner where there are people who know your family. And there is a time restriction for how long you be out.

the new norm

The new ways in which we date have taken on new meaning. Now online dating is all the rage, and you don’t have to meet a woman’s family. You just have to approach and if she is with it then, what the hell, you guys date. Only problem is that women come in contact with more problem today because of the changes.

Whereas you had to meet dad in the past, that doesn’t exit today. But things always change and take on new meanings. And dating is no different; but what will inevitably come of all this change.


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IMPERSONAL DATING: WHY AMERICA HAS CHANGED SO MUCH IN THE DATING WORLD

Related image

“We have voices for a reason.”


human connections

As human beings we have built not only civilizations, we have built human connections throughout history. But in recent history we have lost an aspect of that human connection. And one of those areas has to be with how we date in society. People are not really approaching each other anymore, it’s all bout the social media connection. We look at each other’s profiles and judge on the basis of that alone. It’s almost as if approaching a person is this ancient way of meeting. Never did people think that dating life would become so impersonal.

dating methods

The above is a commercial from the dating website eHarmony. If you were to ask people in the past, would they be finding love over the internet they would have probably thought you were crazy. And what’s even more odd, just to show you how we have changed, taboo of dating on the internet is young. As a matter of fact, my mother bought me my first computer at age 12 years old. This was back in the year 2000. Just 18 years ago, it was odd to meet someone on the internet for a date, now it’s commonplace. But what are other ways people are meeting in today’s society?

TINDR & GRINDR
  • These are two dating apps where you can meet someone more instantly, but it is not geared toward monogamous relationships. Tindr is used by singles to swipe left or swipe right to Related imageexpress interest or a lack of interest in someone. If you like them and want to meet you swipe in the direction of interest and proceed forward. Grindr is that same way, but it’s more centered toward the gay community. There is an aspect of these apps that is adventurous, but also it takes away from the building of relationships if you’re only interested in the initial physical encounter and that’s it.Related image

 

 

 

is it all bad?

We all like to think that generations who come after us are doing it wrong. We want to believe that we have the best solutions for dating in society. What’s interesting is that in the next 25 – 30 years you will have people whose mothers and fathers met off of Tindr, Grindr, eHarmony, JDate, and Black People Meet. It won’t seem odd, and will also be looked at as archaic to see life otherwise. And who knows, maybe in enough time, life will go back to how things used to be in our grandparents generation. But as for now, this is dating in society.


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APPROPRIATE DATING AGE: WHEN YOUTH IS ON TRIAL BASED ON THE GENDER OF THE ELDER

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“Is age really only a number?”


The above photo is a picture I found on the internet that shows what appears to be a much older woman hugged up with a younger man. And it has popped up on dating sites as well. So I ask you, is age only a matter of a number? Is there more that comes with dating someone who is younger that you must realize? Because yes, there are going to be some characteristics besides the physical that we see, that will make dating a person of a certain age different than dating someone close in age. And when I say dating someone younger, I am not referring to dating someone 60 years old if you are 40 years old. Because I feel there is something built into the minds of both parties different than 40 years dating a 20 year old. So, why do men and women begin to date younger?

For starters, you observe men, and we have always dated younger women because it’s just what we have always dated. It’s hard to explain besides the initial attraction which tends to be purely physical. But what is it besides the physical that keeps the situation together? One reason is that we as men and women have two separate biological clocks that differ from each other. When a woman is 35 years of age she is generally already a mother and married, or in the process of; while men typically can wait longer. There is a reason we can wait, it’s because we can have children for the rest of our lives. So there is not this rush to find someone to marry. Women start to decrease odds of bringing a child into the world once they reach a certain age. So men date younger because when a younger woman is ready to have children she’s still young and not in rush up to that point.

Well, what about women and their reasons for wanting to date younger. In the recent years, more and more women have opened up the possibilities of dating younger. Only when it comes to women, the relationships become a little more complicated. Women have traditionally themselves gone for much older men because men by a certain point in life are established in their careers. So dating a man who is younger goes against so much of their beliefs about relationships. So when an older woman dates a guy who is younger, the situation is usually judged by women more harsh than men. Because you as a woman knows how the majority of you feel about that particular situation. So it’s odd to you to see that couple.

In the end, for me, it comes down to a certain age at different stages of life. Now that I am 30 years old, I would much rather date a woman who is at least 23 years old or 24 years old. Because she is out of college, and starting to have a realistic perspective of society. Before that point we all have these altruistic views of the world that aren’t real, so I would have a hard time communicating with someone not in the general population already. You need to have to some degree of an understanding of how the workforce works. This way you know my struggle and understand my work ethic.


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LET ME UPGRADE YOU: WHAT IS DATING UP TO YOU

Image result for moet and glass

“Come talk to me when you’re on my level.”


In an American society where commerce dictates so much of how we live and how we behave, how does this commerce relationship we have in this country effect our dating lives? For men, you know what you have to bring if you’re going to be living in this capitalistic based society. And as for women, you’re steady trying to find that guy who you see as your equal or above. But when you are a man in this country it can be a tougher go. You know you have to be in a certain place in your life by a certain time. Women can live with their parents and still demand from men the same things as a woman with her own form of success. With that said, what are the thoughts on dating up? Because dating up is more of a woman’s viewpoint, but for men only under certain circumstances.

Women have to date up; why well it’s simple. So many men are trying to get with you, whether to be in a relationship or just for sexual intercourse. So you have to more picky, and there is a lot more thought that goes into choosing a guy. And the prettier the woman, the harder it is for her to find a potential mate. Because the pool of men who want to be with you is even higher. Unlike men, who see this as an opportunity to date around because we have so many options, for women it can be harder because of so many options. So when a woman does choose a guy, he’s going to have to really step up, especially if she is a woman that’s used to guys at a certain level trying to talk to her. Now that does not necessarily translate into just finances, it’s that and more. But are there times when men have to upgrade as well. We, unlike women, don’t have to, but there are those that do.

When it’s time for men to upgrade, we have to do so when finances are involved. Because to us marriage is an investment that only we can lose for the most part financially. So when a man becomes financially successful, he becomes that pretty girl. And that’s when he starts to be extra selective with the women that he dates. He has to learn to sense out the very things that women have to sense out about men when choosing. Because just like with every man trying to get with a woman, so many women look at you as this total package. But not all of them are worthy, so you have to shuffle through the plethora of women like women do us. See, in the end, finding that person you feel is on the level you want them to be is important to so many. As a matter of fact, it is more important now than any other time period prior. But if finances is that one thing you’re trying to seek out alone as a woman it will be harder to find; jut like we as men can’t just chase a woman for aesthetics purposes only.


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THE RELATIONSHIP TAGLINE: HOW WE AS MEN HAVE SHIFTED OUR LANGUAGE TO APPEASE WOMEN

Related image

“We say it, but do we feel it?”


“I want a woman with her own money, and dreams, and everything else she wants that society says I should want from a woman.” This is the tagline that every guy is supposed to say when asked what he wants from a woman in a relationship. But do you really mean every word that comes from your mouth, or are you just saying that to get in good with women? Because if you’re just trying to get on her good side, she’ll peep your game out sooner or later. Then she’ll hate you more for wasting her time than if you were just honest to begin with; so why. Why do we say we want all these things from a woman in society, yet when we get these things that we say we do, we run from women. It’s an act that woman define as a weakness in men, and it is if you’re looking at it from the standpoint of what we say we want from women.

Only problem is, is that in today’s society, we are carrying this tagline because it’s what women want to hear and necessarily what they should hear from us. I’m not saying that men want a woman who does nothing for herself in life, but it is not to the extent to which we speak in society. But when you don’t say who she is and what she’s doing is important to you, we’re attacked for not caring. So what we have done as guys, is that we lie to women, but not with our words. Women tend to be better communicators verbally then we are as men. So when birthdays and holidays come around, we do things for women because it means something to you. Not always because it means something to us; Valentines Day comes around, you as that woman get two dozen roses. Why, well because it means something to you. Women react to these actions, and sometimes get hurt in the process.

So why is it so hard for men besides the societal aspects to be up front and honest about what we really want from women. And the reason comes from watching women’s likes and dislikes, then behaving according to what they demand and not who we are as a person. Meaning, she wants monogamy, but you want to just date different women. Instead of you passing on the relationship, you play boyfriend, and you’re not boyfriend material. So when it’s time to go to the next level, you remove yourself from the equation, or make her break up with you so you can avoid the commitment. So what is that men want, simple, have your life. Real men are not intimidated with your success. Have your career, hang with friends, but here is where it gets sensitive: do what I say do at some point in time how I want it done and tend to my needs as well.

And that’s when the problems start, since women of today translate that into control. “Do what I say do!” “What do you mean by that!” That’s when the conversation falls flat, not because he really wants to control you. Men are typically not good verbal communicators, so instead of stating the context of what you mean, you further bury yourself by lacking verbal communication. Meaning, do what I say do, isn’t jump when I say jump. It simply means, you have times where your word is law, and I have mine. And this is a particular moment in time when my word should mean something. It’s not control, it’s a reciprocal relationship. And in the end, that’s who men are, but societal standards are such today where you have to lie and give women a tagline. But eventually, she’ll believe in the verbal content and behavior. Yet if you’re not that guy, she’ll hate you more for not being honest in the beginning.


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