SCIENCE OF PARENTING: WHAT MAKES WOMEN CLOSER THAN MEN

blanket, boots, care

“We are not like them.”


the job aint easy

You ever hear people say that the job of raising children is not an easy? Well, it is; I don’t have any, but observing my mother raising children, I can tell it was a struggle. The feat of not only getting up making sure they are fed, but placing them into the world. You have to let go and realize they are in the world and trust they make the right decisions. Because the kid part are the cute years, it’s when we get older where the job becomes difficult. Once those adolescent years hit and friends become more of an influencer than parents, that’s when the job gets tough. But this topic is more than that, it’s about the relationship that each parent has with the child/children.

gender differences

The science behind why a woman is connected to the child more is simple. She is the one who carried the kid, so there is a deeper bond than the man has with the child. Men can easily role around and play with the kid then head off to work. We have that ability to connect then disconnect in an instant. But all throughout the day, especially when the child is a baby, women can’t do the same. It is impossible for a woman to tune out when the kid is young. She is able to do so as the kid gets older, and ready to take on their own identities. But is there more behind the idea that women connect better than men? Meaning, what is the even deeper science behind mom and dad bonds.

evolution

Humans have attachments to each other which aids in our ability to coexist as a planet. But when we have children men bond differently then women. And there is a science to this bond. My best guess is that men were never meant to be in the life of the child. Father’s being around is a social construct more than it is biological. Don’t get me wrong, men still will fight and die for their young, but were we supposed to be a community like we are today. There are social means as to why we as men stick around: give the kid guidance, be an example for what the kid shall be in life, a protector in the household, an additional contributor to the family, and a partner for the woman. These are social constructs, but biologically, we don’t have those attachments because maybe we were never meant to have them. That doesn’t excuse deadbeat fathers, it just aims at understanding why we can be great fathers, yet disconnect to get work done, or even become better disciplinarians.


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NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE: WHY I DON’T WANT KIDS

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“Saving myself from what could be a disaster.”


Since becoming an adult I have been pondering over the idea of whether I want to become a parent someday or not. And as time progress, I know I don’t want to get married. But what about a child. Right now, I know I don’t want children, though I think about it. Who knows how I will feel at the age of 40 or 50 years. Because next month, I will be 30 years old, and I still feel the same about having children now as I did as a 20 year old. But also, my ideas of marriage and relationships have not changed either. The only aspect of my life that has changed is success in a career. So why haven’t I changed my stance of children?

Well, my main reason I don’t want children is because I don’t want to deal with the idea of dealing with the other person. Once you have children, there is a dual input in raising a child that I don’t want to adhere to. I have my way that I want to do things and that is that. Now, I do believe that someone else may have a better way. But it’s not about a better way, it’s about my way I want things to go. So with that said, it wouldn’t be best to have children with someone. My best way to go about having children might be to adopt one day. This way I can raise my child how I want to raise them. But are there other reasons that are keeping me from parenthood?

The other reason I don’t want children is because of the aspect of who having to always make them your life. Once you have children, they are your life. You have no other choice because even on hard and depressed days, you have to suck it up and deal. There is no out, most often, parents wish there was somewhere other than here at the moment. Yes, if you’re famous, you can hire a nanny, but most Americans can’t afford a babysitter, must less a nanny. So they have to find a way to deal with their lives. And although this is not a human existence that you genuinely want to live all the time, it’s a must. Children have no choice in their existence, so it’s a thought before having them.

Now, the third reason, is because there are so many things I want out of life. And having children get in the way of those things. And for the most part, they’re not that big of a deal, except when you have kids. Like, living in New York City, I’ll get up and just go for a walk around the city. Just something so simple, is major when you’re a parent. You can’t just up and leave the house. Because you are no longer alone anymore because there is someone there to depend on you. See, in the end, children are a career outside your daily job. It doesn’t pay, and there is no guarantee that what you teach them will ultimately work. So for now, I live my life for myself and whatever benefits me. But children are still a 10% yes and 90% no, and marriage is still 100% no.


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PARENTLESS BOND: WHY MEN’S ATTACHMENT WITH KIDS ISN’T THE SAME AS WOMEN

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“Her bond is different than our bond.”


When a woman is pregnant, there is a bond she creates with her child that no man is able to understand. The following link is of a video of a woman right after giving birth with her child exemplifying that bond between mother and child. (https://www.facebook.com/viralthread/videos/1317955175012988/) And I have always wondered, why don’t men have the same bond with the kid that the mother has. It’s because of human nature. But then I also began to think a little deeper as it pertains to fatherhood. And I have asked myself a question. When observing the human species as a mammal, were men meant to be in the lives of children? Was that evolution’s goal was to create an attachment? Or is being a father a human construct?

Because as a man, we have to build a relationship with that kid. Moms immediately have that bond because the baby grows inside of her. So the bond is more pure than with a man. That’s why when a woman leaves her child, it can be more hurtful than the father. But once again, does nature create these boundaries or do people have a hand in how we have relationships with children. In my opinion, I think it’s a little bit of both. We are very much dictated by social norms, yet nature is still there lingering. So what does this all mean regarding who we are as a species. And to narrow it down, I mean as men. Will there ever come a time where we will have that same connection?

And yes, I know as time goes on, children recognize us and we eventually become dad. But why does this exist. Because our biological attachment happens in the very very beginning. So by the time the human is fully created, we have no real attachment except for the creation of that human. But, I will say, there is something quite emotional once that kid arrives. There is a level of attachment that father has for that kid. The kid does not quite understand it, but the parent understands the importance of the parental-kid relationship. And that has a lot to do with our conscious as people.

And in the end, our consciousness gives us the ability to make sound decisions. And that decision is being there for your child. Other creatures in the wild generally let there children go at a far younger age than humans. But with the conscious we are given we stick around and raise them until we feel they have reached an appropriate age to leave the house. And without that, humanity most likely would not have lasted as long as we have lasted. Hopefully as time progress, we’ll find out more about ourselves.


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PARENTAL BEHAVIOR: WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH HOW YOU VERBALLY COMMUNICATE RESPECT TO THE OTHER PARENT

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“They see and hear everything, so be careful how you speak.”


For me growing up, I saw my mother and father have disagreements. Not understanding at my age that arguing between adults is normal; especially when children are involved. And the way you communicate those disagreements have a major impact on young kids, all the way into their adulthood. So with that said, how should parents go about channeling their emotions, especially when the kids are in the vicinity? What are key mistakes that adults make when trying to win an argument over the other person? Or not just an argument, but what about the upper hand. Is it always important to win an argument, or is it best sometimes to just walk away? Let’s observe mistakes both men and women make during disagreements.

As it pertains to the man, we make some errors when trying to win over an argument. One of the more common errors is using our ability to go higher in yelling in an argument. Men are physically stronger, we’re known to dominate over the conversation. We take this dominance stance to show that we are the ones in control. It’s this nature driven response, especially if we fill we are losing control of the argument. But the biggest mistake we make is trying to use vulgar language to get our point across. Using expletives, especially calling the mother out of her name, is such a deflating and quick route to take in winning the conversation. But let me remind you, this isn’t a one way street.

On the part of the woman, the clear mistakes that a woman make is number one, belittling the father. Especially, when children are around, it sends a dangerous message that there is a clear lack of respect for the father. It also lets the kid see how they can behave when they get emotional as well. But another clear mistake women make is saying that these are their kids. Removing the father from the equation as if they have no voice in raising kids, just because she gave birth. This also sends a message that you have no real purpose. Just the person who provided the other DNA that the child is endowed with. After that, you don’t have a real duty or obligation, except to be the financial contributor.

Now, as it pertains to the children in the situation, they are watching and listening to both of you. And based on how you two communicate, the children can use this verbal communication to their advantage. And while the parents bicker between the two of them, the kid is able to live their lives how they see fit. Until something bad takes place, and both parents are left with their hands in the air because it’s partly their fault. While they were busy arguing and fighting, there was no guidance in the kid’s life because the two parents wanted to prove each other wrong. In the end, that’s the main reason there needs to be a civil form of communication between parents. Not just for the sake of their relationship, but for the child/children who may be nearby; watching and listening.


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MAKING THEIR DECISIONS FOR THEM: WHY PARENTS HAVE TO LET GO AND LET LIVE

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“Eventually they have to go into the world on their own.”


When you are an infant, your parents job is to care for you. When you are a toddler, their job is to care for you. When coming through the early childhood stages, their job is to care for you. As an adolescent, they care for you just the same. But when it’s time for you to graduate from high school and enter the world, it’s hard for parents to let go. They are used to knowing how to care for you for so long, they think they know what’s best for you. Now, as someone with no children of course someone will say that I don’t know what I’m talking about. But here is where they are wrong.

Let’s say your parents feel they know what’s best for you. And theoretically, they would be telling the truth. They are your parents, they brought you into this world. And for that reason they know what’s best for their child/children. But there is a keyword in this explanation, and that is child/children. They may be your offspring, but they are not young anymore. It’s amazing that we feel that 18, 19, and 20 years of age is good enough to make decisions to join the military, but not what career to pursue. But let me explain the fundamental issue with choosing your child’s path.

And the issue is that of course you know what’s good for child; your child. Why, well because you have a laid out plan for them at a young age. You know the school they will attend, the appropriate food to feed them, clothes to wear, neighborhood where they will live, and the religion they will practice. But once they become adults and ask you what path to take, what courses, who to marry, where to live, and what job to take on; that’s when you hit a wall. Why do you hit a wall, because you don’t know what’s good for them in life. If you knew what was good for them, you would have a plan for them to walk through life.

The reality is that you don’t know what’s good for them once they become adults. It’s up to them to figure that aspect of life out on their own. You don’t know what career is best for them. You don’t know what steps they should take from 20’s into their 30’s, and beyond. All this time, you had a plan for them, yet soon as they become adults, you hit a wall. And that’s when you realize you don’t know what’s good for them. The fear sets in because your whole existence for 18 years has been them, now for the first time you feel helpless. But you are not helpless, your voice is still important.

Because in the end, you are still their parents. And even though you don’t know what’s good for them in life, there is still that love and support through life they need. You don’t know their strengths and weaknesses for a future career, but you can advise on what on what they might want to pursue. Help them find the thing that they are good at, and push to make them great.


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PARENTAL TOUGHNESS: CAN BEING TOO STRICT HURT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR KID

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“Structure is good, but too much can be problematic.”


Structure, discipline, and respect; just a few demands that strict parents enforce on their children. You are given a strict time that you are supposed to be home. And if you break that time, you’re not going out anytime soon or ever again for that matter. But my question would be, is there ever a such thing as too strict? Because I witnessed so many of the out-of-control kids coming from the strict homes. And usually they turned-up once they go to college. They lived under the roof of such a strict household, they have a taste of freedom and are now running wild. And what do I mean by turn-up.

When I say turn-up, I mean the type of kids that are sprawled across the campus drunk. The ones who are hooking up with every person in sight. The students that skip classes and if they are present, they’re far from sober. You would think these are the kids who come from homes where there was no structure. But it’s actually the kids who have the structure in the homes. Because there is a difference from having a house of respect and common courtesy, and being a drill instructor. Trying to run your house like a military base can backfire. You might wind-up creating an even bigger bind between you and your child. And here is the problem with the bind.

For example, if you have a daughter, and all you do is tell her who she can’t date, then that’s who might show up at your door steps. It will turn into an action of defiance just to spit you. Now, you may not allow the person at your home, but nonetheless, they’re with your child. So there is apart of you that is with someone you may not approve of. And people in society will be able to see and judge your situation. Which is something that tough parents hate the most. They hate to have people in society being able to say that you were wrong. And that the way you raised your child didn’t work out. But are there other implications behind being too tough? And the answer is yes, there are.

When you and your kid have this relationship that you might see as respect, but is fear in their eyes, they seek approval elsewhere. And no one cares about your child more than you. But once they start going outside of you to other people, they start to receive the wrong information. They aren’t being told what they should hear, but what they want to hear. And then they begin to make vital mistakes in their lives. When in reality, they should be able to come and talk to you. You are the one that gave them life. Yet, their fear of you keeps them at bay. And in the end, that’s what you don’t want. You don’t want fear in children. Because once they fear you, they seek validation outside the household. And that’s when they get into trouble.


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LETTING GO: HARDSHIPS OF PUSHING CHILDREN INTO THE WORLD

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“They’re not going to be young forever.”


When growing up, parents are very protective of their young. Understandably so because it’s your job to protect them. But at some point in time that parent has to let go and let their child have their own lives. And this is generally the hardest job that any parent has to do is let go. Eventually, that kid grows up, and goes into the world to start their own lives. They must have their own identity and embark on their own career endeavors. But why, why must parents really need to let go of their child/ children? Just saying they need their own lives is not good enough.

I heard Denzel Washington make a statement regarding having a hard time letting go of his son. His son was heading east to college from California. And he told an interesting story of why he had to let go. He was flying a private jet when the pilots had to drop some fuel from the plane to increase the altitude in flight. Denzel stated that is how he had to look at parenting like flying in that plane. If he didn’t release his son the he couldn’t have flown to the heights he wanted to fly. And that is a strong reason why parents have to let go. But so many parents have the hardest time letting go. Their children have been their lives for so long it becomes tough to let go.

But the moral of the story from Denzel is that how will your kids be prepared to take on the world if you keep them so close. They need to step out into the world. Try things, fail, and then work to come back and succeed. You can’t protect them forever otherwise they won’t grow. You’ll do nothing more but create an environment of codependency. And trust and believe, no one else is going to allow them to live off of them without stepping into the world. You stunt their development and actually make them fearful of walking into the world themselves. You have held on so long, they are terrified that maybe you held on because they can’t succeed without you.

Another reason why parents find it so hard to push children into the world is also because this may be the last child to leave the house. When having children, the first you get emotional and last you get emotional. Because the first is that oldest to come into the world. And the last kid is confirmation that no more children are in the house. So now you have to get used to making decisions based around you and your best interest. No more coming home and making sure everything is right on the home front. Get used to coming home and not hearing any noise, just silence.

And in the end, that is the toughest adjustment a parent must make in life. Getting used to adjusting to life with no one there unless you’re married. You now have to learn how to go back to life when there weren’t kids around. And that for a lot of people is hard to get used to. So parents find themselves contacting their children in college asking what are they doing. It may seem overbearing to the kid, but to the parent it is completely normal. Yet, the kid has to go off and carve out their own identity, their own plans, their own futures.


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