DATE NIGHT: THE NEW ERA OF DATING

Man and Woman Sitting Together in Front of Table

“Whose in charge of what?”


boy the times have changed

In today’s society the landscape of dating sure has taken a turn. It’s a far cry from what dating was like in our parents or even grandparents generation. You had a courting process that could take as much as a year or more. Today people are know to have sex in the same night that they meet. And I am just trying to understand, if the end game is having a long lasting relationship, does hooking up so soon work itself out. Some people argue that it does not matter while those with more life experience will say it is a big mistake to go into something so intimate so soon.

boy meets girl, sometimes

Times have also changed regarding who asks out who on a date. Still for the most part it’s guys meeting the girl. But there have been a wave of women asking guys out on dates. Now, it is still fairly new, but it has been a trend over time. Today’s women feels there should not be any restrictions on who ask who out on a date. I will caution women, that when you are more into us than we are into you, you could be running into some problems. So if this is a pursuit for relationship, then it could mean that he is the prize. So, now you become the constant hunter. Because as much as you think as a woman you are under control you really aren’t in control.

what is to come next

For the future to come, who knows what will be the next move forward. If only you knew that, there is a lot of money to be made. Why, well, people have been busy because individuals have to work more today. So the time spent dating is tough. And with the advent of all these dating apps, what will be the tech move to bring people even closer together?


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PLAYING FAVORITES: ARE BLACK WOMEN REALLY NOT A DATING CHOICE

Woman Wearing White Sleeveless Lace Shirt

“The selection process.”


the dating pool

In the selection process of dating for so long, there is this held belief that Black women are never the first choice for dating. Now as a man, I don’t believe in that, but let’s for a second observe the theory here. I myself, even though I am an African American, don’t fully understand the selection viewpoint of Black women. Not because I don’t care, mainly because in the paradigm of living have focused on my day-to-day task of survival. Also, even though I have two sisters, I have never asked them about their dating experiences as Black women. It wasn’t until recently now that I am over 30 years old did I really explore this belief.

the available bum

Now, in Black women’s environment there are these guys who lend themselves called, “Ready Made Bums.” They, in my opinion, are nowhere near a reflection of the overall selection pool. But who they are, they are these men who approach women with all the wrong intentions and in all the wrong ways. These men are microwave ready masculinity. Nothing that is of substance, nor anything that is worth satisfying for the long haul, thus the name Ready Made Bums. But like I said before, to what degree do these men exist in comparison to the ones that are out there who are of substance.

self-fulfilling prophecy

It is a known that what we put out there into the universe tends to come to us. So if you are moving about life saying men are bums, not many who aren’t will be around. Meaning, whatever you tell yourself about yourself will formulate even if it’s not true. My question to you would be if you say men are bums, where do you live? What are the venues you tend to hang out at on weekends? Who are your circle of friends? Who are other people in your lives that do have good relationships? Because if your daily life is around people who do have healthy relationships, it will rub off onto you. That’s why it’s important to watch your associations of people close to you.

those in your ear

A word to Black women, beware of the other women in your ear when seeking out a male companion. Especially if that woman giving you advice does not have or has a hard time acquiring herself a man. Because you’re going to also get all the wrong information filtered to you. She’s going to be giving you the advice based on her own problems. Why, well no woman is going to tell you how to get a good man; or introduce you to a good man before she gets a great man herself. That’s like me having a winning lotto ticket, I’m broke, but you need the money more than me. No, I’m cashing that ticket, then once I’m settled I’ll tell you how to get paid.

changing your scenery

Maybe a change in scenery would help Black women who feel this way. Planet Fitness is $10 per month; it’s a great way to meet men. Guys who are into health and wellness tend to have a great outlook on life. Another place to go would be, for those who can afford it, get a membership to a golfing club. A lot of professional men tend to spend their time golfing outside of work. It’s also a great place to make professional business connections as well. Try not to hang in groups, especially when seeking a male companion. Because you will be greatly influenced by the women in your circle. Remember, friends are friends, but friends at times may talk you out of a great relationship because they are thinking about who they think you should be with, not who you really should be with. Overall, get out, try things you never thought you would like: skydive, you biking, join a book club, and speed date.


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LET ME UPGRADE YOU: WHAT IS DATING UP TO YOU

Image result for moet and glass

“Come talk to me when you’re on my level.”


In an American society where commerce dictates so much of how we live and how we behave, how does this commerce relationship we have in this country effect our dating lives? For men, you know what you have to bring if you’re going to be living in this capitalistic based society. And as for women, you’re steady trying to find that guy who you see as your equal or above. But when you are a man in this country it can be a tougher go. You know you have to be in a certain place in your life by a certain time. Women can live with their parents and still demand from men the same things as a woman with her own form of success. With that said, what are the thoughts on dating up? Because dating up is more of a woman’s viewpoint, but for men only under certain circumstances.

Women have to date up; why well it’s simple. So many men are trying to get with you, whether to be in a relationship or just for sexual intercourse. So you have to more picky, and there is a lot more thought that goes into choosing a guy. And the prettier the woman, the harder it is for her to find a potential mate. Because the pool of men who want to be with you is even higher. Unlike men, who see this as an opportunity to date around because we have so many options, for women it can be harder because of so many options. So when a woman does choose a guy, he’s going to have to really step up, especially if she is a woman that’s used to guys at a certain level trying to talk to her. Now that does not necessarily translate into just finances, it’s that and more. But are there times when men have to upgrade as well. We, unlike women, don’t have to, but there are those that do.

When it’s time for men to upgrade, we have to do so when finances are involved. Because to us marriage is an investment that only we can lose for the most part financially. So when a man becomes financially successful, he becomes that pretty girl. And that’s when he starts to be extra selective with the women that he dates. He has to learn to sense out the very things that women have to sense out about men when choosing. Because just like with every man trying to get with a woman, so many women look at you as this total package. But not all of them are worthy, so you have to shuffle through the plethora of women like women do us. See, in the end, finding that person you feel is on the level you want them to be is important to so many. As a matter of fact, it is more important now than any other time period prior. But if finances is that one thing you’re trying to seek out alone as a woman it will be harder to find; jut like we as men can’t just chase a woman for aesthetics purposes only.


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PLAYING GAMES ONLY YOU CAN LOSE: WHY WOMEN IN PLAYER WORLD GETS HURT IN THE END

Related image

“Two can’t play the game.”


In the world of dating, both men and women tend to play games. But there is a catch when it comes to the world of playing games. And that is that only one person winds-up getting hurt. And usually it is the woman that gets hurt. Why is that; why is it that the woman is always getting hurt? Well, because the woman cannot win at the end of the day. Now if you’re a woman, you might think to yourself, that’s not right. But in reality it is true; you are far more likely to get hurt. Now mind you, once again, I am talking about the game of playing, not just your typical monogamous relationship. When you’re in the game of playing, there is generally a winner and a loser. But let’s get into the reasons why the woman get hurt at the end of the day.

The reason the woman gets hurt in the playing game is because when you look at the game, there is a shelf life associated with women playing the game. Almost like looking at yourself as an athlete. You come into league running and jumping like everyone else, but you start to get older. And the problem with getting older is you can’t run and jump on the basketball court like you used to. You have to learn certain skills to stay in the game. Only problem is that it’s a young woman’s game to play to try to win. So now you’re 35 years of age in the arenas of 23 and 24 year old girls because you want to stay relevant to the men that are chasing after them. And with no prior exit strategy, you find yourself alone while he goes off into the sunset with someone else. And this happens due to the standards of men versus women.

Men and women have similar but not same standards, especially in the playing game. Women “need” a man worth something to play, and the man can be with whatever. Because he just needs an attractive woman, and what you need is harder to come by in the game. So you’re really becoming subservient to whatever he’s willing and able to do. Basically what I’m saying is that in the world of playing, you really can’t hold us to anything because we can always get another woman. You as a woman can’t just run out and easily get another top notch, successful guy to be with you. Now, I’m not talking about on average, I’m talking in this playing game. Your standards in the game are higher, so you are in a more compromising position than we are in the game. Let me go even further and describe how it can hurt you.

On average, a man looks for a woman he’s compatible with, and vice versa. But in the playing game, your age is a major determinant as a woman. I’ll give you another example, you trying to play is like the drug game. The woman is equivalent to the guy standing on the street corner while we as men are more like distributors or cartel bosses. You take on the most risk as women, and usually come out the most hurt. And in the end, that’s why women may not want to play. And if you do, have an exit strategy. Because two people can be hurt in the game, but more often it’s you because your standards are higher. We can marry the first thing we see, you generally don’t live by that same creed.


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MONOGAMOUSLY LONELY: WHAT’S KEEPING YOU OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

Midsection of Couple Holding Hands at Beach Against Sky

“We all have relationship fears.”


How many of you reading this post are single? Now how many of you are reading this post who are single and afraid of commitment? And that question is the question that so many people have to ask themselves. Not only so many people, me as well. I think that we are afraid of commitment because we don’t want to be cheated on, let others down, and our fears that someone is depending on us. Having to look outside of yourself to care for another human being is tough. And I don’t mean just being parent. Because you have some great parents who are bad boyfriend/girlfriends and spouses. So why is it so tough to commit?

Like I said above, one reason has to do with not wanting to have to deal with infidelity. No one wants to be cheated on because it’s such a deflating feeling. The feeling of not amounting up to the other person’s potential. Or the feeling that you are not as great as you thought you were. It’s those insecure feelings that make people possessive in relationships. And that Image result for infidelitypossessive nature might actually push a person away just as fast as the neglect. When in relationships, you have those self-conscious feelings and doubts about the other person. You’re so insecure at times, that you’ll create cheating scenarios in your head. Scenarios of what the other person might be doing, which prompts you to go snooping for answers. And trust and believe, you’ll find something, no matter how small.

Another reason people have a hard time committing is that you don’t want to be in a position to let others down. We have to meet certain expectations that when single you don’t have to meet. When single, you can be a little more lazy; kick up your feet and relax. When in relationships, you always have to have your A game on. So in the relationship, you have to work, Image result for commitmentalmost like being the popular kid in school. Work to get in, and work to stay in. And it’s a gig that does not monetarily pay. Can you image how successful relationships might be, if there was some type of monetary gain for remaining together? But then again, if you need money as a motivator, you probably don’t like the other person anyways.

But what about the last fear on my list; having someone depend on you to get something accomplished. When you’re single, you depend on you, now you have another person to work your schedule around. You now have to make sacrifices to your life, that you otherwise don’t have to make. It’s a Image result for dependenttough adjustment, especially for a guy like me whose used to being single. Now, let’s add another addition in the mix; a child. What happens if a child is produced in the relationship? Now the responsibility of another life is fully dependent upon you. There is no out once a kid comes into the household. So you are now forced to deal, not just for a few years, or even 18 years, but for life.

In the end, operating in a relationship is tough because it requires you to give up, take on, and accept so many things out of your control. You’re no longer belonging to you, but obligated to someone else. You have to now ask before you make a decision rather just making it. And if the other person is not comfortable, you may have to forgo the decision. That’s right, you compromise. One of the hardest decisions to make is to compromise. Giving up what you want, for the “potential” of success in this new situation.


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RELATIONSHIP CURRENCY: WHAT DO YOU VALUE IN RELATIONSHIPS

bank notes, bills, cash

“If cash is king, where do relationships stand?”


Relationships throughout history have always taken on different forms as time progressed. But in today’s society there are so many meanings for what relationship currency stand for. How do you define what it means to have relationship currency? Now when I say relationships it can mean marriage or even a friendship. Currency can mean something of monetary value or it can mean something of mental/emotional value. I am here to ask which one is important to you. A lot of people say money and others say what someone has to offer. Some people want a monogamous relationship others don’t. So which is important to you?

The majority of people in society hear relationship and automatically think it has to do with dating or marriage. But what about friendships; how important is friendships and what is their currency. We usually dictate friendship by what the person has to bring emotionally to the table. Because what is the use in hanging around people who are not in your best interest. And what I mean by that, it’s heading in the same direction as you. This doesn’t mean you want to be a physician they should be doctors. No, it should mean that they have some type of goal in life. If they don’t and you do, you guys will fall apart from each other. So relationship currency in friendships should be pushing each other to do better which translate into non-monetary currency.

Well, what about monogamous relationships, currency is important here. But what type of currency? What type of currency is important to you in a relationship? Let’s observe from an emotional standpoint. When you’re looking at monogamy from an emotional standpoint, then you’re talking about how much meaning you bring into someones’ life. This means that when one of you are weak, how well does the other counteract that weakness with strength. And that in itself can be seen as sometimes and even greater form of currency than the monetary. But what about the monetary? There are people that look to this as a form of currency in relationships.

When in monogamous relationship, having an income coming into the house is very important. Maybe not when you’re in your early twenties, but what about once you hit your thirties. Once you get to this point, it’s the getting your life together point. The time where you need to really have it carved in stone where you would like to see yourself in the years to come. Now, money isn’t everything, but when you’re talking about settling down and having a family, you need to keep this in mind. Take into consideration the cost of buying a home, car, paying off any debts, and long term investments like retirement. This is where monetary currency is very important to your future success in a monogamous relationship.

In the end, the meaning of relationship currency can take on many different meanings. It’s up to the person/s interpreting what the currency means or even what the word relationship means. No matter how you look at it, know the currency you are looking for, but also know what your value is as well.

MARITAL WOES: WHY IT’S TOUGH TO KEEP IT WORKING

Printer Paper Cut With Orange Scissor

“It should be easy, why not?”


I’ve heard throughout my entire life that marriage is a hard union to maintain. And that it will take a lifetime of work for you to really appreciate the person that you are with. But then I started to think about the union for a while. With the vows you take, shouldn’t marriage be an easy task to fulfill. It says to love, honor, and obey. Yet people still say that the union is hard. Is it really hard, or could it be that monogamy is not natural. Could it be that we really have other feelings and push them down in the name of societal norms. Well, let’s observe this for a minute.

To love, honor, and obey is difficult when you are not with a person you thought you would be with. We all have this person in mind that we want to be married to; this idealistic view. Then we meet someone and all of that changes. So here we are with this person, yet part of us resent. Why is it so hard to have this conversation? It’s hard because no one wants to admit that they resent something about the person they are with. You love this person, and can’t figure out why there is this internal feeling of disdain. It lies there deep inside of us because on one hand we have the societal way in which we are supposed to live. Then on the other hand, we have the nature us that is different from the societal us.

And that nature us creates other conflicts that make marriage hard as well. Because another natural reaction is that we don’t want to be around the same person for the rest of our lives. That is something which can take years to get used to. Some people can do it with ease, others struggle. Why do some struggle, it has to do with more nature. It’s normal to want your own life and space, but what about marriage and children. You sacrifice so much of yourself, especially when the kids come into play. So you feel a part of you is lost and now you want out to some extent. And that brings us to the next reason marriage is hard, the kids.

Once those kids enter the equation you have less time for you and him and more dedicated to the kids. Not to mention you are now neglecting yourself. For the most part, women have a different reaction when kids come into the equation because women carry children. But men start to feel like we are losing something as well. It can take some people time to realize they might not be losing something, but gaining something more. Then you have the parents that can’t wait to their kids are old enough to have their own lives. This way, they can be themselves again.

In the end, that’s what it boils down to; nature versus societal norms. Society wants and expects us to have a certain type of marriage. But there is no real way to maintain and make it work. You should be making up your own rules. Why are people living by this societal norm instead of what you like as a couple. And as long as people are not able to address the reasons for their marital hardships, we’ll always have issues concerning marriage leading to divorce.


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