PARENTAL TOUGHNESS: CAN BEING TOO STRICT HURT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR KID

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“Structure is good, but too much can be problematic.”


Structure, discipline, and respect; just a few demands that strict parents enforce on their children. You are given a strict time that you are supposed to be home. And if you break that time, you’re not going out anytime soon or ever again for that matter. But my question would be, is there ever a such thing as too strict? Because I witnessed so many of the out-of-control kids coming from the strict homes. And usually they turned-up once they go to college. They lived under the roof of such a strict household, they have a taste of freedom and are now running wild. And what do I mean by turn-up.

When I say turn-up, I mean the type of kids that are sprawled across the campus drunk. The ones who are hooking up with every person in sight. The students that skip classes and if they are present, they’re far from sober. You would think these are the kids who come from homes where there was no structure. But it’s actually the kids who have the structure in the homes. Because there is a difference from having a house of respect and common courtesy, and being a drill instructor. Trying to run your house like a military base can backfire. You might wind-up creating an even bigger bind between you and your child. And here is the problem with the bind.

For example, if you have a daughter, and all you do is tell her who she can’t date, then that’s who might show up at your door steps. It will turn into an action of defiance just to spit you. Now, you may not allow the person at your home, but nonetheless, they’re with your child. So there is apart of you that is with someone you may not approve of. And people in society will be able to see and judge your situation. Which is something that tough parents hate the most. They hate to have people in society being able to say that you were wrong. And that the way you raised your child didn’t work out. But are there other implications behind being too tough? And the answer is yes, there are.

When you and your kid have this relationship that you might see as respect, but is fear in their eyes, they seek approval elsewhere. And no one cares about your child more than you. But once they start going outside of you to other people, they start to receive the wrong information. They aren’t being told what they should hear, but what they want to hear. And then they begin to make vital mistakes in their lives. When in reality, they should be able to come and talk to you. You are the one that gave them life. Yet, their fear of you keeps them at bay. And in the end, that’s what you don’t want. You don’t want fear in children. Because once they fear you, they seek validation outside the household. And that’s when they get into trouble.


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LETTING GO: HARDSHIPS OF PUSHING CHILDREN INTO THE WORLD

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“They’re not going to be young forever.”


When growing up, parents are very protective of their young. Understandably so because it’s your job to protect them. But at some point in time that parent has to let go and let their child have their own lives. And this is generally the hardest job that any parent has to do is let go. Eventually, that kid grows up, and goes into the world to start their own lives. They must have their own identity and embark on their own career endeavors. But why, why must parents really need to let go of their child/ children? Just saying they need their own lives is not good enough.

I heard Denzel Washington make a statement regarding having a hard time letting go of his son. His son was heading east to college from California. And he told an interesting story of why he had to let go. He was flying a private jet when the pilots had to drop some fuel from the plane to increase the altitude in flight. Denzel stated that is how he had to look at parenting like flying in that plane. If he didn’t release his son the he couldn’t have flown to the heights he wanted to fly. And that is a strong reason why parents have to let go. But so many parents have the hardest time letting go. Their children have been their lives for so long it becomes tough to let go.

But the moral of the story from Denzel is that how will your kids be prepared to take on the world if you keep them so close. They need to step out into the world. Try things, fail, and then work to come back and succeed. You can’t protect them forever otherwise they won’t grow. You’ll do nothing more but create an environment of codependency. And trust and believe, no one else is going to allow them to live off of them without stepping into the world. You stunt their development and actually make them fearful of walking into the world themselves. You have held on so long, they are terrified that maybe you held on because they can’t succeed without you.

Another reason why parents find it so hard to push children into the world is also because this may be the last child to leave the house. When having children, the first you get emotional and last you get emotional. Because the first is that oldest to come into the world. And the last kid is confirmation that no more children are in the house. So now you have to get used to making decisions based around you and your best interest. No more coming home and making sure everything is right on the home front. Get used to coming home and not hearing any noise, just silence.

And in the end, that is the toughest adjustment a parent must make in life. Getting used to adjusting to life with no one there unless you’re married. You now have to learn how to go back to life when there weren’t kids around. And that for a lot of people is hard to get used to. So parents find themselves contacting their children in college asking what are they doing. It may seem overbearing to the kid, but to the parent it is completely normal. Yet, the kid has to go off and carve out their own identity, their own plans, their own futures.


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HAPPY FATHER’S DAY: WHAT DOES THIS DAY MEAN TO YOU

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“I may not have children, but what a feeling it must be.”


Today is the day we celebrate all the fathers in society. The men who are the protectors of their families. The ones that awaken early in the morning and arrive home late into the evenings. But now I ask the question to you; what does today to mean to you? What are some thoughts that come to mind when you think about father’s day? And that does not necessarily have to be your father. It can be a grandfather, cousin, uncle, or even a sibling. Who in your life has influenced you that deserves to be celebrated on this day? Let me explain how each of these men are deserving of this title as father.

How about a sibling, how does a sibling effect you by them being a father? I have not had this privilege given I have two sisters, but there are people who have siblings that impact them. For example, you want children and you have an older brother or younger brother with children. Their relationship with their children may rub off on to you choosing a mate to have children with in your life. You might say to yourself, “I want to have children with a man who is a father like my brother.” Well, what about men you know who are related to you such as your uncles.

That makes a lot of sense, uncles are siblings to your parents or your grandparent’s siblings. Usually your parent’s siblings are a good gauge for influencers in your life as fathers. If you didn’t have your father growing up, your uncles, who generally are your parent’s siblings may be able to step in and assist you. Especially if you are a boy growing up. Your uncle could be pivotal in your development as a young man in a life where you are growing up without a father figure. Yet, there is still one more person that is an important father figure in life, and that is your grandfather.

Grandfathers who have been through the majority of life. They know and understand the full road ahead of you, especially as a boy. They can prepare you for manhood. And as a girl, give you a good overall feel for the type of family man she should want as a husband. You’re able to gauge how great this man is by watching the offspring of him. The children, grandchildren, who have come from this person. The love and respect that people have for this man. He is a perfect embodiment of what a young boy would like to be and what a young girl want to marry. But of course, last but not least, your own father.

We always talk about the woman carry the baby in her womb. But what about the connection fathers have with their children. What about the fathers who understand their job is to prepare their sons for the world ahead. Or how about the girls who are going to most likely use her relationship she has with her father as a means to choose a guy for herself. And having these children as a father, you can learn so much from them. These children teach you how to be young again. Your sons interest themselves in your hobbies you onced loved as a young boy. And your daughters teach you how to love much more than you do now.

See, in the end, a father is more than just the initial process in the child birthing stages. They are important and pivotal all throughout the life of a child. And a kid or children raised with a strong father, it manifest itself in how they make decisions as they get older. Which is why you should involve yourself in their lives as much as possible. Because can you never get those times back not spent with them.


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PARENTAL DISDAIN: WHY SOME PARENTS DON’T LOVE THEIR CHILDREN

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“No love for someone that is apart of you: cold-blooded.”


To believe that there are parents who don’t love their children is a shocking reality. How could you not love something that you aided in bringing into this world? But believe it or not these type of parents do actually exist. And they don’t love that child for a number reasons. The reasons could be more directed at who the kid was procreated with or even the person’s refusal to love anything outside of themselves. Whatever the case may be, we have way too many children born to parents that don’t love them. But let’s go back to the procreation with the person. What is it about this person that makes you despise your kid.

A child is the combination of two parents, the mother and the father. That combination can make the parents love this child that much more or create a relationship that is built on dysfunction. There are men who walk out on their children because every time they look in the child’s face they see the mother. And there are mothers that see the father in the face of the kid and become immediately turned off. This usually happens when the child is the opposite sex of the parent. So for fathers, he see the mother in the daughter and the mother sees the father in the boy. But no matter how you feel about the parent, is your disdain that strong, where you are turned off by the sight of the kid? Sadly it’s true, the kid represents to the parent the constant reminder of their life’s mistakes.

But why should a kid suffer because of the poor decisions of two individuals? But this is not the only way children lose out. What about the parents who are more concerned with advancing their own lives? There are career oriented parents who would much rather focus on their personal accomplishments than to actually build a lasting relationship with their children. And when you love your personal accomplishments more than you do the sound of your own child’s voice it is seen as a form of neglect. So what should happen for those that are growing up in households where the parent’s have their own lives or inner disdains?

Sadly enough, there is no law that can remove a kid from a situation. If the kid has a home, food, clothes, and not physically being abused, there is nothing legally that can be done. Hopefully that kid grows and become a productive member of society. But too often there are children who are victims of this form of neglect that step into society and harm others. Whether they turn to a life of crime or repeat the cycle and become what their parents were to them. In the end, it’s always hurtful to see the neglected children of the world. They didn’t ask to come into this world. So when they are neglected they have to navigate this world alone. And at times they navigate and are unprepared for what is to come ahead. Hopefully they don’t fall, and if so not too hard as to not recover. Because no one should have to be dealt the hand some children are dealt in society.


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PARENTAL DETACHMENT: WHY EVERYONE SHOULDN’T HAVE CHILDREN

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“It’s a full time job that doesn’t pay; know what you’re doing.”


Growing up, I was always taught that everyone should not bring children into the world. There are young people having children when they are barely adults themselves. And there are parents of what is considered acceptable age neglecting their children because they are more concerned with their own personal lives. So where does this leave the children. It leaves them to fend for themselves in the world. But how do you fend for yourself when you have no clue how the world operates. This is the makings of a bad turnout a lot of times in life because of poor parenting. So what are the consequences?

A lot of the kids who had absentee parents find themselves locked away in prison or having troubled lives on the outside. But what is it? What is it that would make a parent walk away from their child? Just saying everyone is not meant to be a parent is not good enough. There has to be more of an explanation as to why parents are not interested in being parents. One of the reasons I came up with is the idea that a lot of these parents became parents at a young age. When their friends were still out enjoying their youth, they had to sit home with a child. So when the child gets old enough to have the slightest bit of their own lives, the parents run out and get one themselves. But the child is still in need of guidance and needs help.

But then there are the parents who are more concerned with building themselves a career. I live here in New York City, and you see so many kids with their nannies. But the parents give them a kiss on the cheek and send them on their way. They grow to have that respect for the nanny, but not the same for the parents. The parents are cultivating relationships for their career and trying to impress the boss. But they are unaware of what their kid is doing. And most of the time, the kid is off doing their own thing. These children with the nannies at times are very distant from their parents and grow to disregard things that are said to them. It’s hard being a disciplinarian when you’re not around.

But there is another group of parents, and they are the too strict and too overbearing. Their children don’t respect them, they more so fear them. And when the children grow to a certain age, they are known as, “the wild child.” You would think it’s all the kids born and raised in broken homes that are the worse. But the ones growing up in extremely strict environments can’t wait to step into society. They lose it and go crazy once they finally get a taste of freedom. That heavy reign of control over their lives left them not knowing the realities of the world.

In the end, parenting is not something you can read about in a book. They have all the titles, “Dr. Spock,” and  “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” But you will never know until that child comes home with you. You can read and follow every guide you shall choose to; but life with a child is full of curve balls. And it’s for those reasons a lot of people should not be parents.


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LOOKED DOWN ON: HOW CAN ONE MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOU

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“Who are people to make you feel bad?”


I have heard people say things like, “This person or people are always trying to make me feel about something.” But in my opinion, no one can make you feel bad about something that is not already in your head. They are just able to point out the thing that you are trying to hide. And they are able to use that to manipulate and make you feel bad because their own lives are in shambles. But it can’t work unless you allow it to work. So how do people allow it to work? By opening themselves up and being around people who frown on you. What are some ways people frown on you?

One way people can make you feel bad about yourself and frown on you is by having a child too young. Now in my opinion, like I said before, no one can make you feel bad. But they can if you feel any form of regret. And when it comes to having a child too young, then they can see that. You might ask, how so? You are not giving off any indication that you feel bad about having a child young. It’s not what you’re giving off, it’s life. They know that when you reach a certain age you look back and say to yourself, “Man I should have waited.” But that regret puts you in a a strange position. Because you don’t regret your child.

See, in context, not all regret is bad. It’s one thing to say I wish I had of waited and I wish I didn’t have this kid. One is less harsh than the other, but the minute we hear regret it speaks negativity. But the connotation it carries is up to the person who is on the end of the regret. Life is hard, and people know this, so regrets are part of life. And they know you will see this hardship and wish you had of waited. But like I said, if you don’t feel that way it means nothing. Yet, is having a child the only way people try to frown on you and make you feel bad about decisions you make.

No, with staying in line with a child, how about being unwed when you have a kid. Unless you feel you should be with the person you had a child by, it’s hard to convince someone they made a mistake. But they can make you feel hurt if you have the slightest feeling of regret. And there goes that “r” word again. Regrets seep into people’s lives and it hurts deep when other people can see it. But why, why do we allow people to bring us down? A major part of it has to do with wanting to fit into the dominant society. We don’t want to be ostracized so we live according to the status quo. If that status quo says marry with a child we do so. And another part has to do with wanting to not be a statistic. Usually, if we are doing something that people try to make us feel bad about there is some form of negative connotation that leads to failure in their minds.

See, in the end, you are the only one in charge of your feelings. If I think you are ugly and you think you’re not, how does it have an affect. It does affect if part of you is self-conscious about your looks. I can capitalize off that emotion and make it work for me. Carve out your own identity and let no one make you feel bad in life.


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PARENTAL CONFIDENCE: MAKING YOUR KIDS THE BEST THEM THEY CAN BE

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“Be great to them and they’ll be good to themselves.”


In my youth, my mother always wanted to instill in her children that we were capable of accomplishing anything in life. It allowed us to enter the world ready to pursue whatever endeavor we chose. Well, what was her technique; is there even one. Did she do anything with her children that any other parent wasn’t doing? Or was she doing something that every parent just does? Maybe it could have come from how she was raised. Or maybe it was a combination of how she was raised and her own spin to parenting. These are a few of the questions asked from people as it pertains to parents who seek to boost their children’s confidence.

One way parents boost confidence in their children is to go to work and come every day. That consistency makes children know they can not only depend on you, but also gives them a blue print in their own lives. Consistency is important because anything you perform long enough and work each time at, you’ll become great at it. Along with the consistency is informing your children they can be anything they set their minds to in life. But not just saying, showing it by not letting them give up. Letting them know failure happens in life, but to keep persevering.

Another way to boost that confidence in children is to place them in schools around good kids. Kids who are being taught to head in the same direction in life as your child. My entire life my mother placed my sisters and I in good schools. We were always around kids that thought about their futures. It gave you something to think about. The schools also were places where kids could thrive in their learning environments. So many other students in other schools were focused on peer pressure and impressing people around them. My mother put her kids in schools to challenge the ways of the crowd. But what other ways can parents build confidence.

A major way to build confidence is through the idea that confident parents confidently teach. Parents who are not afraid to step into the world themselves are in a position to raise confident kids. When children see you walk outside every morning with your head high they feel they can do the same. Doesn’t matter if you’re having a bad day. The idea is to let them see strength. Because once they see that you are unsure about something they will start to second guess themselves. See, in the end, there is a lot of psychology in parenting. The idea is to get them to believe they can do anything in life without even thinking about it. Rear them at a young age knowing that failure is not an option.


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