Tag: #spousal

DATING ALLEGATIONS: WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU ABOUT A CHEATING PARTNER

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“To talk or not to talk.”

Having a friend in a relationship can be a new adjustment if you guys have both been single for so long. Now this new person comes in the mix and everything is different. But that is not the topic of today; the topic of today is sharing information with your friend regarding their significant other. What if you had proof that your friend’s significant other was talking to someone else on the side? Would you inform your friend that this person was out talking to someone else? Or would you keep the information to yourself? Telling your friend could mean an argument depending on how they felt about the person. But keeping it a secret could mean jeopardizing the friendship as well.

Let’s observe the outcomes of telling your friend. See, if you tell your friend it could go a few ways. The first is that your friend is proud that you would bring the information to them. Allowing them the access into what is going on behind their backs is really important. But there is another outcome from telling them. That is that they might lash out at you for telling them. You don’t know how they feel and it could backfire ending a friendship. So, so many people tend to not say anything and leave the situation alone. But even that has repercussions to it. What are the repercussions for not telling your friend about their significant other?

That’s right, there is the other side of the coin. And that is not telling your friend what happened. This could have its own set of problems by not speaking. Because once your friend finds out what happened and you knew, now what comes of the friendship. When they found out you know, it will put a serious damper on the relationship. Especially if you are their best friend, they expect you to say something before anyone says something. So then if they are mad for you not saying anything, and mad for you saying anything, then what? And it all boils down to the friendship that you and this other person have together.

In the end, friends usually have an understanding whether they would want someone to say something. If you don’t have an understanding with your friend, then it can go good or bad. With no communication, it can go in any direction.

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CHOOSING A GAZELLE OVER A LION: WHY WOMEN CHOOSE WHAT’S NOT NATURAL

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“You want nice, oh I bet you do.”

When it comes to a relationship, women always state how much they want a nice guy. Yet they never quite choose that guy. And I have always looked at this from a nature driven standpoint. Where as we as a society don’t look at what is natural, we have a social view on the world and relationships. Meaning, a woman choosing a guy that is not too too nice, is not nature, but niceness is less natural. It’s the same reason why bad boys tend to win. Not because it’s bad behavior, but because at the core of what we are as men and as women, there is something that is nature driven about that bad person.

It’s like the lion and lioness in the wild. Nature dictates every decision they make with each other. When it’s mating season, there is no discussion of how they will mate, they just do. We as people are given a conscious, so we decide when we mate. Now the only difference between the lioness and the human woman is the human woman has choice over how and when she mates. A lioness in the wild just does what nature dictates. So this aggressive lion wants to mate, she lowers her body into position and mates without question. A woman may want the same thing, yet she will play a cat and mouse game. And sometimes, she (woman), might even mate with a nice, less aggressive guy.

Funny because you will never find a lioness mating with a less aggressor. A woman lioness in society might actually try to mate with a gazelle. Then she’ll say awe, he’s my friend. But he’s the friend because at the core of what we are as people, his energy is less attractive. It doesn’t work when you try mating with this gazelle, because you don’t mate with food. Sure, you’ll hang out and play with your food. Then when it’s time, you’ll eat your food. So why do it? Why do women put themselves through it? And a lot of it has to do with the society in which we live.

A lion and lioness live in an environment where they don’t control any of the factors of their system. We as people are endowed with the conscious mind to make certain decisions. Yet we try to bury the nature aspect of who we are and how we have evolved. And women are expected to be a certain way socially. Yet, they may feel somewhat different than the social. Meaning, we all have a feeling in the pit of our stomachs. But we have an editing system that we use before that feeling leaves our mouths. So now, woman may want a stronger male, but say she wants the weaker man because that stronger male makes her feel weaker and more vulnerable.

And no one wants to feel like they are weaker or in need. So what do women do, they choose men that are not the aggressor, but more submissive. Then they wonder why they are not attracted to these men. It’s nature, it’s just what it is. We don’t give nature enough credit for what it is. And in the end, that’s what it all boils down to; nature versus society. Society is constructed to make you as women believe you want one thing, but the inner feeling, that is you, says different. But not just society, but our conscious minds also, which is based around societal choices dictates how we behave as well. Yet we still continue to fight that which is most natural.

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FORCED FEELINGS: WHY WE GIVE PEOPLE WHAT THEY SHOULD ALREADY KNOW

Man and Woman Sitting on Sidewalk

“What is meant to be, is meant to be.”

When looking for a relationship, we all have our negotiables, and I our non-negotiables. The actions in the relationship that we will and won’t stand for from the other person. But my question to you is, is everything that we define as a negotiable and nonnegotiable, should it always be implied? Because I have heard women make statements that at times they need to imply to men to behave a certain way. But I say, why, why are you telling a grown man how he should behave in a relationship. And I have a theory as to why. But for starters, why do we have these negotiable and nonnegotiable standards?

Well, we have these standards so that the other person knows what we will and won’t stand for in the situation. But another reason we have them is to give the other person a heads up that we have a certain level of respect for ourselves. The third reason is that we also want to see how well the other person communicates what they like and dislike. I know it sounds a little trite, but communication is key. Without a clear line of communication, the relationship won’t work. So now that I have given a quick overview into why we have negotiables and nonnegotiables, what is an underlying reason for them? Meaning, what do I sense from hearing you tell someone certain things they should already know.

For example, why are you telling someone they need to respect you in a relationship. Once you reach a certain age, you should just know how to talk to someone. Now, like I said earlier, women especially feel they need to explain themselves because some guys are not respectable. But hey now, hold the phone. Why are you having to tell a grown man he has to respect you? And if so, that doesn’t sound like a good situation. The situation should be more so based around you just going with the flow, and seeing who and what he’s about. Now, I have a theory into why you might give people golden nuggets of advice.

When you meet someone that you’re attracted to, you don’t want to lose this person. So if you’re giving them golden nuggets of advice in how to treat you, then they are going to react to what you say. So if you tell a man he must respect you, he will. But to me, it sounds like forced feelings of grander. What do I mean, you won’t just let this person show their real selves because what if this person does trip up and disrespect you. Now you have to get rid of this person you like. So you tell them how to treat you, and especially a man, we’ll play off the actions. Eventually he shows his true self because the feeling of giving you respect was forced in the beginning. And you don’t want forced feelings, they should be real.

In the end, we give people information in how to treat us not just as a heads-up so they know, but we want them to stay. So we give them information in what to do and not what to do because we want them in our lives. They will play off those actions of what we want. You love Valentines Day, you’re getting roses because it means something to you. You love God, we’re going to church because I know a nonnegotiable of yours is a faith base. What you should do is remain silent. See if they’ll bring up religion on their own, or special holidays. Make them figure it our, and if they slip up, you might have to get rid of them. Not because everyone makes mistakes, but because you might be dodging a bullet that could hurt you in the long run.

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TIL DEATH DO US PART, UH, NOT REALLY: WHY THIS PERFECT UNION IS SO HARD

Midsection of Woman Making Heart Shape With Hands

“Forever and ever; or maybe not.”

In our society, we are expected to meet one person in life. Fall in love with that person. Get wed, have children and live like that forever. But is that really who we are as people, or is that the image we portray. I always hear that this union is so perfect in the eyes of God. So what is it about this union that is so hard? Because when you observe the vowels you take, it should make marriage easy. I promise to honor and obey, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, til death to us part. Then we look each other in the eyes and say I do.

But in my opinion, marriage is so hard because you actually don’t want to do the vowels you promise to uphold. Meaning, the human element of who we are don’t want to obey someone, be with them if they are poor, not in good health, or til death. But why is that so hard to say? Why do we trick ourselves into believing this is a union that we want? Now, when you observe marriage, the structure of it makes sense. You’re with one person and one person only. It cuts down on a lot of confusion that would otherwise be present when you’re dealing with multiple people. Meaning, it is a lot easier to have three children with one woman, than three children with three women.

So the structure makes sense, but here is the biological piece. We don’t want to deal with the downside that comes with relationships. Why because the downside is not something that attracts us to the person. Meaning, we were attracted to the healthy person, so why would we want to stay in sickness. You had a job, I don’t want to be around now that you are broke and unemployed. And obeying you, what if there are things in my life I want to accomplish. I can’t do them if you are not comfortable with the decision. Oh, and not to mention til death, how do I know I want to be with you for life.

These are all the feelings that go through our minds when we are married or getting married. So why do we involve ourselves in the union? One reason is because of the societal views. We don’t want to be the outsider in the group who is not getting married. If we’re single and the people around us are getting married, then we begin to get uncomfortable. We feel like we are not living a just life, and need to fit into the group. So we don’t marry because we want to. Moreso we marry so that we can gain the approval of another person or people around us. We feel it is some sort of obligation to those outside of us. But what is another reason we marry?

The other reason we marry even though these feelings are there is because there is someone there to walk through life. You could go out trying to have random hook-ups, but random is not going to care for you as you age. Random is not going to be there for you financially in case of a setback, random is not going to listen to your grievances, and random won’t care if you’re living or dying. So knowing there is someone who will be by your side no matter what is calming to the mind. There are days you don’t want to be around that person and they around you. But they always are there when you need them.

In the end, people marry even if they hold these internal feelings because it hurts to walk life alone. Being alone with no one to share your life with is tough. It’s more than just a love life or having fun. They do so because at the end of life, if you and this person is still alive, someone will be there to care for you, when no one else will. So overall, to the people who marry, it’s worth it.

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ARE YOU REALLY THE ONE AND ONLY: HOW MUCH DO WOMEN REALLY LOVE US

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“Am I your first choice or last result?”

Comedian Chris Rock had a very funny joke directed at men. He said, “You ever catch your woman looking at you, but not saying nothing.” “It’s because you aint her first choice.” That joke resonated with so many people in relationships. But is there something deeper to that joke that we are not looking at that we should? Are we hearing a joke as men that makes us feel a little more uncomfortable the more we listen to it? I myself developed a theory as to why this might be more disturbing than funny the more we read into it. And the disturbing aspect of the joke is a pill that is hard for a lot of men to swallow.

Men have this stoic, fearless, unemotional, unapologetic aspect to us. We are supposed to be so big and strong. Then when we experience hurt from a woman, the real human element that is us emerges. We never want to think of another man with the woman that we are in a relationship with; must less her actually doing it. We think and at times we know that we cannot be replaced until we are replaced. And that’s why Chris Rock’s joke about us not being first choice kind of stops us in our tracks. We want to believe we are the first choice since she is in the relationship with us. But here is my theory.

My theory starts like this; if a woman dates nine six foot four guys, nice body, beautiful hair, amazing smile, and highly viral, then switches it up. She now is in a relationship on number ten with a guy who is five foot seven, average body, rugged looks, and average sex drive. What was it about those other guys that brought her to this one man? There is something about this five seven guy, that those other guys didn’t have going for them. So she settled for the five seven because what he has that is stable trumps the other nine.

Now, here is the idea of not being first choice. Sorry Mister Five Seven, but you are not her first choice. Those other guys are the first choice, but what you have she needs in her life. But those nine guys were her wants in life. She really wants Mister Five Seven to be Mister Six Four, but Mister Five Seven isn’t. So she must make a decision, be with what is stable, or what is not, but her wants are met. The needs are from Mister Five Seven. So now she has to stare at what could have been if only Five was born Six.

And in the end, that’s what the stare is about. I wish you were what turns me on naturally and not what I have to learn to love. Learning to love takes times and it is a long arduous path. What is natural is instant. What’s crazy about the universe is that what you need in life is not always what you want. And what you want is not always the best thing you need in life. But if you can find your needs being met, and above average wants, you’re talking a great relationships.

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POLITICAL ETHNIC CHOICES: DOES ETHNIC CHOICE MATTER IN MARRIAGE CHOICES

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“Is love really color blind?”

Recently on the morning radio talk show The Breakfast Club, social activist and psychologist Umar Johnson was on talking to the hosts. He made a statement regarding interracial marriage that I thought was quite interesting. He stated that marriage is a political decision. And who you marry says a lot about your priorities when pertaining to ethnicity. Which is why he said that if you are an African American marrying a White man or woman you are not only taking them on as a partner, but also this group’s culture. And you are accepting the group’s community as well. Umar was making a distinct connection between what outside ethnic group you marry and your loyalty to your own ethnic group.

And what I thought about right off the back was, is this so? Does marrying outside your ethnicity as an African American renders you devout of self-love and respect because of your choice? And is this really a choice that is stemmed deeply in politics? Because I see Jews, Asians, Indians, and Hispanics stress marrying another member of their group. This is not just Umar who feels this way. Are those other groups wrong for preserving their culture? Because this is what the fight is about, preserving culture. When you marry a group that is different than your own, the cultures can be vastly different. What do you say regarding this, such as Jew marrying a Muslim?

See, in my household, my mother stressed marrying someone you love. And I felt this way, but when I became an adult, and took on my own experiences I started to look at things differently. I don’t think you are less than for marrying outside your ethnicity, but I also am not against people who are against interracial relationships either. Now some may say, how can you feel that way? I myself, as an African American man, couldn’t marry a woman of any other ethnic group if not accepted by her side. Meaning, if I meet a Chinese woman, and her parents/family didn’t approve, I wouldn’t see myself staying. As against them as I might be, I don’t think you should be forced to allow people into your family if you don’t want me there.

Now, that leaves the woman hurt, but that’s a problem she must come to terms with, with her family. You know your family, and you know what they accept and reject. I don’t want to be a member, nor do I want them forced to accept me. My best bet, is to remove myself from the equation. It’s not in my best interest to stay. Because if I were abusive, that’s a reason to not like me. I can’t stay in a situation where you dislike an aspect about me I can’t change, nor would I want to change. So as much as it would hurt the woman, I have to make a decision to remove myself.

Now others might disagree with my decision. They would say, if you love that person, who cares what others think. But to me, as awful as you might think they are, losing family is easier said than done. Are you willing to lose everything that have ever existed in your life for this one person? And if you and this person don’t last in the relationship, you’re completely alone in the world. Sadly enough, people are put into those decisions. And I don’t want to be the catalyst for that decision.

In the end, there are people who think love is color blind. And to me you like what you like. Human attraction is not always a socio-political decision because we are not that type of species. People are mammals that gain attractions to other mammals like us. Ethnic conflict is a social construct placed by man for means of control. There are men who are members of the KKK that are attracted to Black women and Nation of Islam men who have liked White women. It’s not ok socially, no one would admit that, but as humans you like who you like. Yet the social aspect of our society is far more greater than the emotional attachments.

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BETRAYAL: CAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE INFIDELITY

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“Get over it, or move on.”

Men and women both agree that cheating is wrong, yet we both do it. It’s a very conniving action to take, and painful thing to go through. But my question to you is, can a relationship survive infidelity? Can you forgive someone who has cheated on you? What are the steps you go through in order to make the situation better? Me personally, I couldn’t survive a cheating situation. Mainly because every time we would be intimate I would see another person in my place. The image wouldn’t go away; so it’s not the idea of cheating. It’s the physical image of someone else in your position. Unless we’re just dating, then it doesn’t have the same effect.

And that is an interesting view because I don’t think a lot of men are willing to accept women back like women accept us. There are so many views on why it’s different. They are views that range from that’s what we do and women should not; to guys do it to do it, and women do it with malice attached. But it is ever a reason to cheat, and why? And if you think it’s ok, then why do you have such a hard time being honest about it? Because people say you shouldn’t tell your spouse everything. But if you cheat, it could leave a cloud of guilt over the situation. But I have a different view for cheating.

If you are in a position to cheat on your significant other, it’s probably best to break it off. Because what you do if you don’t, is that you hold the other person to this promise. But then when you go ahead and break the promise what does that mean? Does that mean that the promise is off the table? Because it’s hard for you to be taken serious from now on. You are making demands, but they are not taken seriously because you’re known for going back on your word. And if you are this person going back on your word you build up a reputation for not being trust-worthy. So anything you so moving forward doesn’t quite hold much weight to it.

See, in the end, cheating can cause more problems especially keeping it a secret. Because you leave the other person confused and in a state of bewilderment since you’re not being honest. Yet, there are people who take the cheating boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse back again. Some hold true to their word and never cheat again, and others don’t. Is once a cheater always a cheater? Or is it something that happens, and there is no going back? It’s all up to the person being cheated on?

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