TIL DEATH DO US PART, UH, NOT REALLY: WHY THIS PERFECT UNION IS SO HARD

Midsection of Woman Making Heart Shape With Hands

“Forever and ever; or maybe not.”


In our society, we are expected to meet one person in life. Fall in love with that person. Get wed, have children and live like that forever. But is that really who we are as people, or is that the image we portray. I always hear that this union is so perfect in the eyes of God. So what is it about this union that is so hard? Because when you observe the vowels you take, it should make marriage easy. I promise to honor and obey, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, til death to us part. Then we look each other in the eyes and say I do.

But in my opinion, marriage is so hard because you actually don’t want to do the vowels you promise to uphold. Meaning, the human element of who we are don’t want to obey someone, be with them if they are poor, not in good health, or til death. But why is that so hard to say? Why do we trick ourselves into believing this is a union that we want? Now, when you observe marriage, the structure of it makes sense. You’re with one person and one person only. It cuts down on a lot of confusion that would otherwise be present when you’re dealing with multiple people. Meaning, it is a lot easier to have three children with one woman, than three children with three women.

So the structure makes sense, but here is the biological piece. We don’t want to deal with the downside that comes with relationships. Why because the downside is not something that attracts us to the person. Meaning, we were attracted to the healthy person, so why would we want to stay in sickness. You had a job, I don’t want to be around now that you are broke and unemployed. And obeying you, what if there are things in my life I want to accomplish. I can’t do them if you are not comfortable with the decision. Oh, and not to mention til death, how do I know I want to be with you for life.

These are all the feelings that go through our minds when we are married or getting married. So why do we involve ourselves in the union? One reason is because of the societal views. We don’t want to be the outsider in the group who is not getting married. If we’re single and the people around us are getting married, then we begin to get uncomfortable. We feel like we are not living a just life, and need to fit into the group. So we don’t marry because we want to. Moreso we marry so that we can gain the approval of another person or people around us. We feel it is some sort of obligation to those outside of us. But what is another reason we marry?

The other reason we marry even though these feelings are there is because there is someone there to walk through life. You could go out trying to have random hook-ups, but random is not going to care for you as you age. Random is not going to be there for you financially in case of a setback, random is not going to listen to your grievances, and random won’t care if you’re living or dying. So knowing there is someone who will be by your side no matter what is calming to the mind. There are days you don’t want to be around that person and they around you. But they always are there when you need them.

In the end, people marry even if they hold these internal feelings because it hurts to walk life alone. Being alone with no one to share your life with is tough. It’s more than just a love life or having fun. They do so because at the end of life, if you and this person is still alive, someone will be there to care for you, when no one else will. So overall, to the people who marry, it’s worth it.


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TAKING THE PLUNGE: STRAYING FROM MONOGAMY FROM FEAR OF COMMITMENT

bible, book, golden ring

“No going to, yet really want to.”


Growing up, I was raised by a single parent, yet I went to school with people who were in two parent households. My community, just like my home life was made of single parents. And there are so many viewpoints as it pertains to why this exist. Views that extend itself to social responsibility, all the way to people who would rather be co-parents than a spouse. But why would someone choose to be a parent yet exclude the spousal aspect out of the relationship? Could it be the social responsibility, or maybe something else. Maybe it’s this ingrained fear that we have in society. The fear of not only rising to the occasion, but something else.

Could it be that people have this fear of putting all their hard work into something and it not working out. No one wants to put twenty plus years into a relationship and then end it. That is a large chunk of your life that is gone. You could have easily focused on your own life, and been in another space and time. People don’t want to live with that regret of wasting their lives. Because can you imagine living until the end of your life, then realizing it meant nothing. That is a tough pill to swallow, a pill which most can’t take in. So, what do so many people do, they stay single. And choose to be a co-parent with someone else. But are there other aspects of why people don’t marry.

Another aspect is that they might not have been raised in an environment where marriage is this important feat to attain. Why get married when you might be raised to focus on you and your future endeavors. Marriage is such hard work and whose to say it will last anyways. I mean, the divorce rates are so high after only a short period of time anyways. So, those that refrain from marriage could have people around them, mainly in their families keeping them from jumping the broom. Not everyone is raised with the same set of values. So what you want is not necessarily what someone else was raised to want out of life. But, I can still name another reason why people have this fear of commitment. And it has to do with infidelity.

No man nor woman want to put all their time and energy into someone and fear being betrayed by the other person. You are playing your part, yet they have another life outside the relationship. So that vulnerability in the relationship make most second guess. And what’s interesting, you would think that this is a sentiment of most women. Yet there are a lot of men who feel this same way. Only men are raised or pretend to be stoic, so they don’t come off as too emotional regarding the matter. So at times, we’ll make up excuses as to why we don’t want to commit. In reality we don’t want to deal with the hurt. Because as tough as we act, we are just as sensitive as women at times.

In the end, marriage is a topic that most don’t want to discuss. And the reason because it’s so final. The finality of this for life, and it’s the only finality that exist in a human’s life outside of death. Then again, on a biological level, it’s not the most natural way to live. Yet more so a human construct to keep families together and keep down confusion. And for the most part it works, but as much as it works, you’ll always have the demographic that disagree regarding the union.


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MOTHER’S DAY: WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO YOU?

Lady Wearing Lbue Long Sleeve Dress and Holding Boy Piece Box

“Having a mommy is such a gift.”


Today as everyone knows is Mother’s Day. Everyone across the country is in on this celebration to gift thanks to their mothers for all that she has done for them. My topic today ask the question regarding what does this day mean to you? What is it about this day that sets it aside from so many other days in society? We have special holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, yet this one is the celebration of you having life breathed into you. So once again, what does this day mean to you?

See to me, this day is about not just celebrating my mother, but the women who helped to raise me as well. A few of these women have passed along now. They were my both my grandmother and great grandmother who babysat for my mother when I was a child. They used to watch over me until my mother came home from work. Then as I got older, I would go and sit at their houses with them. So, today I think about those women that help to raise me. But this day has other meanings to other people as well.

To someone who has lost a mother it is the day to remember all the things you and your mother shared with each other while alive. I have not lost a parent, but my mother lost my grandmother six years ago. And it still is unreal to not have her around. But that is why it’s important to give so much to people while here on Earth. No matter if it’s just a simple phone call because you miss that person’s voice when they are not around anymore. Yet death is not the only reason this day is important. What about the life’s lessons from mom.

When you are young you learn so many things from mom. The patients she has with you in guiding you in the right direction in life. All of these wonderful experiences are valuable to your future growth in life. It is the reason why you can face the world because of so much you learn from her. See, in the end, having your mother in your life is such a gift. There are still so many who don’t and for them it’s a tough life to have. I couldn’t imagine life not ever having my mother who taught me so much. But for those that do, hold on because today could be the last you have with each other; make it count for something.


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S*** OR GET OFF THE POT: WHY WOMEN WANT MARRIAGE

Image result for proposals

“Why are women so hard up about getting married?”

“We’ve been together for quite some time now.” “Where is this relationship going?” Guys who have been in relationships know this language all too well. But what is it? What is it about women who want to be married so badly. They say it’s about love and commitment, but is it really? Let’s break down some of those reasons as to why. And when I say the reasons I mean: love, commitment, children, outside pressure, and finances.  So let’s analyze these reasons. Breaking them down one by one is a good start to understand why men are pressured for marriage.

Love; now the first thing you’re thinking as a guy is why. Why must love be the result of a legal binding document? That’s what it is to us. Why is marriage more of a showing of love than just dating? Love is a deep feeling of some sort of affection. So what love is deeper than a lifetime commitment to someone. Maybe to women dating is just a simple gesture of affection that is the start to something more. But is it more than just love. What about other factors that play into women wanting men to marry.

Commitment is another reason women look at marriage the way that they do. It’s almost as if dating is seen as still being single, something trivial. As a matter of fact bachelor and bachelorette are supposed to be celebrations as your last night as a free man and women before you’re off the market. But weren’t you off the market for the time you were together up to this point? Then again if you cheat then it’s considered going outside the relationship. So to avoid anymore confusion marriage is that thing that makes it truly official. Well what are the other reasons that women are so adamant about getting married.

The wanting of children is another reason. Now as a guy we know that you don’t need marriage to have children. Well biologically you don’t, but when it comes to raising this child, marriage is seen as more of a stable environment. But then again, if a child is raised in the house with both their parents why do you need marriage. They come home to both parents, raised by both, see their parents love each other, so what is the purpose of marriage. It just seems that you can obviously have one and not the other.

Then, there are the outside influences such as friends and family. Men are less likely to care about what these outside forces may think about the relationship. But if women see other women close to them getting married, they will apply more pressure to the guy. Then again, a lot of them (outside influences) might not even be married, so why feel the pressure. I guess women don’t like how it looks. The look of things might be too much to bare for them.

In the end, I think for the most part all of the above are possible, but the main reasons have to do with finances. It’s not just the pooling together of finances. I think that when you’re married if he is sick or dies, you can’t lie claim to anything in the event something happens. You can if you’re his wife. But the other reason is more historical. Women throughout history were with guys, most married, and if the man left she was left herself high and dry. So women ask for a lot of the above things, but there is only one that can’t be achieved without marriage, financial claiming of assets. A tough topic to talk because as much as he doesn’t want to loss it, she want to gain it.

SECRETS: How Much Do You Really Know About Your Spouse.

Image result for trust

“Are you hiding something?”

You meet someone, and you start dating. Before you know it, you’re moving in with this person. Eventually the topic of marriage comes up. But by this time, you should already know a lot about the person you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with; or not. My last post talked about people’s debt situation. But what about secrets someone is keeping. What about infidelity, hiding money, sicknesses, and/or internalized torment.

First let’s analyze infidelity in a relationship. Could your intimate relationship survive if you knew your significant other has cheated sometime during the relationship. Does it matter, even if the incident happened once? I think women are more apt to accept the cheating once than we are as men. You know what, on second thought, once, how about multiple times cheating. Yet there are still those women out there who say absolutely not. Not under any circumstance would she accept cheating.

Now, is that the worse secret one could keep from a marital partner. How about hiding money in a secret bank account or in the form of cash in a safe? How would you react to finding out this person had a secret stash? A rainy day stash just in case they needed to leave the relationship. This way they are financially set in the case you want to leave them hanging dry. It is kind of offsetting to find out someone has plan B.

You start to think in the back of your mind, “Am I not giving them enough?” “Maybe they’ve been planning on leaving me all along.” Dozens of questions go through your mind as to why someone would need an escape route out. But it’s not all about money or cheating. There have even been people that hide medical information from their spouse. This may be on par, if not worse than cheating. A sickness, especially something deadly could put the family in limbo.

You go to the doctor’s office and find out you’re having heart problems. Yet you never consult your spouse, but keep it to yourself. You die, and they never knew anything was wrong. Sounds quite selfish considering had that person have said something, preparations could have been made in the event of a tragedy. Then again, some things aren’t medical per say, but mental such as depression or stress.

The reason why I said medical per say is because depression and stress ( which can lead to depression) is not always a medical issue. Some people can work out their issues over time. But how comfortable are you to go to your spouse and say I’m depressed. It seems like a very uncomfortable experience. But shouldn’t you be able to go to your spouse and express yourself. Especially if you’re depressed. They should be the first person you talk to in these situations.

Yet on the other hand, personal torment can even be too great to tell a spouse. What if it’s not depression or stress, but gender identity. Imagine the upset if your spouse came to you opening up about their sexuality. Could you handle your husband or wife telling you they were gay or bisexual? I can see it now, “Hello dear, how has your day gone?” “Oh by they way I’m gay, can you pass the peas.” Or, “Sweetie, we need to talk.” “I think I’m bisexual.”

There is no real way to break the news to your spouse. Because any way you explain yourself is going to be the wrong way. So with all that has been said, can your relationship survive secrets. If so what secrets, and what is the severity of those secrets. In the end it all depends on the person and their threshold for what you are about to tell them.