TIL DEATH DO US PART, UH, NOT REALLY: WHY THIS PERFECT UNION IS SO HARD

Midsection of Woman Making Heart Shape With Hands

“Forever and ever; or maybe not.”


In our society, we are expected to meet one person in life. Fall in love with that person. Get wed, have children and live like that forever. But is that really who we are as people, or is that the image we portray. I always hear that this union is so perfect in the eyes of God. So what is it about this union that is so hard? Because when you observe the vowels you take, it should make marriage easy. I promise to honor and obey, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, til death to us part. Then we look each other in the eyes and say I do.

But in my opinion, marriage is so hard because you actually don’t want to do the vowels you promise to uphold. Meaning, the human element of who we are don’t want to obey someone, be with them if they are poor, not in good health, or til death. But why is that so hard to say? Why do we trick ourselves into believing this is a union that we want? Now, when you observe marriage, the structure of it makes sense. You’re with one person and one person only. It cuts down on a lot of confusion that would otherwise be present when you’re dealing with multiple people. Meaning, it is a lot easier to have three children with one woman, than three children with three women.

So the structure makes sense, but here is the biological piece. We don’t want to deal with the downside that comes with relationships. Why because the downside is not something that attracts us to the person. Meaning, we were attracted to the healthy person, so why would we want to stay in sickness. You had a job, I don’t want to be around now that you are broke and unemployed. And obeying you, what if there are things in my life I want to accomplish. I can’t do them if you are not comfortable with the decision. Oh, and not to mention til death, how do I know I want to be with you for life.

These are all the feelings that go through our minds when we are married or getting married. So why do we involve ourselves in the union? One reason is because of the societal views. We don’t want to be the outsider in the group who is not getting married. If we’re single and the people around us are getting married, then we begin to get uncomfortable. We feel like we are not living a just life, and need to fit into the group. So we don’t marry because we want to. Moreso we marry so that we can gain the approval of another person or people around us. We feel it is some sort of obligation to those outside of us. But what is another reason we marry?

The other reason we marry even though these feelings are there is because there is someone there to walk through life. You could go out trying to have random hook-ups, but random is not going to care for you as you age. Random is not going to be there for you financially in case of a setback, random is not going to listen to your grievances, and random won’t care if you’re living or dying. So knowing there is someone who will be by your side no matter what is calming to the mind. There are days you don’t want to be around that person and they around you. But they always are there when you need them.

In the end, people marry even if they hold these internal feelings because it hurts to walk life alone. Being alone with no one to share your life with is tough. It’s more than just a love life or having fun. They do so because at the end of life, if you and this person is still alive, someone will be there to care for you, when no one else will. So overall, to the people who marry, it’s worth it.


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MONOGAMOUSLY LONELY: WHAT’S KEEPING YOU OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

Midsection of Couple Holding Hands at Beach Against Sky

“We all have relationship fears.”


How many of you reading this post are single? Now how many of you are reading this post who are single and afraid of commitment? And that question is the question that so many people have to ask themselves. Not only so many people, me as well. I think that we are afraid of commitment because we don’t want to be cheated on, let others down, and our fears that someone is depending on us. Having to look outside of yourself to care for another human being is tough. And I don’t mean just being parent. Because you have some great parents who are bad boyfriend/girlfriends and spouses. So why is it so tough to commit?

Like I said above, one reason has to do with not wanting to have to deal with infidelity. No one wants to be cheated on because it’s such a deflating feeling. The feeling of not amounting up to the other person’s potential. Or the feeling that you are not as great as you thought you were. It’s those insecure feelings that make people possessive in relationships. And that Image result for infidelitypossessive nature might actually push a person away just as fast as the neglect. When in relationships, you have those self-conscious feelings and doubts about the other person. You’re so insecure at times, that you’ll create cheating scenarios in your head. Scenarios of what the other person might be doing, which prompts you to go snooping for answers. And trust and believe, you’ll find something, no matter how small.

Another reason people have a hard time committing is that you don’t want to be in a position to let others down. We have to meet certain expectations that when single you don’t have to meet. When single, you can be a little more lazy; kick up your feet and relax. When in relationships, you always have to have your A game on. So in the relationship, you have to work, Image result for commitmentalmost like being the popular kid in school. Work to get in, and work to stay in. And it’s a gig that does not monetarily pay. Can you image how successful relationships might be, if there was some type of monetary gain for remaining together? But then again, if you need money as a motivator, you probably don’t like the other person anyways.

But what about the last fear on my list; having someone depend on you to get something accomplished. When you’re single, you depend on you, now you have another person to work your schedule around. You now have to make sacrifices to your life, that you otherwise don’t have to make. It’s a Image result for dependenttough adjustment, especially for a guy like me whose used to being single. Now, let’s add another addition in the mix; a child. What happens if a child is produced in the relationship? Now the responsibility of another life is fully dependent upon you. There is no out once a kid comes into the household. So you are now forced to deal, not just for a few years, or even 18 years, but for life.

In the end, operating in a relationship is tough because it requires you to give up, take on, and accept so many things out of your control. You’re no longer belonging to you, but obligated to someone else. You have to now ask before you make a decision rather just making it. And if the other person is not comfortable, you may have to forgo the decision. That’s right, you compromise. One of the hardest decisions to make is to compromise. Giving up what you want, for the “potential” of success in this new situation.


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ARE YOU REALLY THE ONE AND ONLY: HOW MUCH DO WOMEN REALLY LOVE US

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“Am I your first choice or last result?”


Comedian Chris Rock had a very funny joke directed at men. He said, “You ever catch your woman looking at you, but not saying nothing.” “It’s because you aint her first choice.” That joke resonated with so many people in relationships. But is there something deeper to that joke that we are not looking at that we should? Are we hearing a joke as men that makes us feel a little more uncomfortable the more we listen to it? I myself developed a theory as to why this might be more disturbing than funny the more we read into it. And the disturbing aspect of the joke is a pill that is hard for a lot of men to swallow.

Men have this stoic, fearless, unemotional, unapologetic aspect to us. We are supposed to be so big and strong. Then when we experience hurt from a woman, the real human element that is us emerges. We never want to think of another man with the woman that we are in a relationship with; must less her actually doing it. We think and at times we know that we cannot be replaced until we are replaced. And that’s why Chris Rock’s joke about us not being first choice kind of stops us in our tracks. We want to believe we are the first choice since she is in the relationship with us. But here is my theory.

My theory starts like this; if a woman dates nine six foot four guys, nice body, beautiful hair, amazing smile, and highly viral, then switches it up. She now is in a relationship on number ten with a guy who is five foot seven, average body, rugged looks, and average sex drive. What was it about those other guys that brought her to this one man? There is something about this five seven guy, that those other guys didn’t have going for them. So she settled for the five seven because what he has that is stable trumps the other nine.

Now, here is the idea of not being first choice. Sorry Mister Five Seven, but you are not her first choice. Those other guys are the first choice, but what you have she needs in her life. But those nine guys were her wants in life. She really wants Mister Five Seven to be Mister Six Four, but Mister Five Seven isn’t. So she must make a decision, be with what is stable, or what is not, but her wants are met. The needs are from Mister Five Seven. So now she has to stare at what could have been if only Five was born Six.

And in the end, that’s what the stare is about. I wish you were what turns me on naturally and not what I have to learn to love. Learning to love takes times and it is a long arduous path. What is natural is instant. What’s crazy about the universe is that what you need in life is not always what you want. And what you want is not always the best thing you need in life. But if you can find your needs being met, and above average wants, you’re talking a great relationships.


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BETRAYAL: CAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE INFIDELITY

Image result for infidelity

“Get over it, or move on.”


Men and women both agree that cheating is wrong, yet we both do it. It’s a very conniving action to take, and painful thing to go through. But my question to you is, can a relationship survive infidelity? Can you forgive someone who has cheated on you? What are the steps you go through in order to make the situation better? Me personally, I couldn’t survive a cheating situation. Mainly because every time we would be intimate I would see another person in my place. The image wouldn’t go away; so it’s not the idea of cheating. It’s the physical image of someone else in your position. Unless we’re just dating, then it doesn’t have the same effect.

And that is an interesting view because I don’t think a lot of men are willing to accept women back like women accept us. There are so many views on why it’s different. They are views that range from that’s what we do and women should not; to guys do it to do it, and women do it with malice attached. But it is ever a reason to cheat, and why? And if you think it’s ok, then why do you have such a hard time being honest about it? Because people say you shouldn’t tell your spouse everything. But if you cheat, it could leave a cloud of guilt over the situation. But I have a different view for cheating.

If you are in a position to cheat on your significant other, it’s probably best to break it off. Because what you do if you don’t, is that you hold the other person to this promise. But then when you go ahead and break the promise what does that mean? Does that mean that the promise is off the table? Because it’s hard for you to be taken serious from now on. You are making demands, but they are not taken seriously because you’re known for going back on your word. And if you are this person going back on your word you build up a reputation for not being trust-worthy. So anything you so moving forward doesn’t quite hold much weight to it.

See, in the end, cheating can cause more problems especially keeping it a secret. Because you leave the other person confused and in a state of bewilderment since you’re not being honest. Yet, there are people who take the cheating boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse back again. Some hold true to their word and never cheat again, and others don’t. Is once a cheater always a cheater? Or is it something that happens, and there is no going back? It’s all up to the person being cheated on?


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TAKING THE PLUNGE: STRAYING FROM MONOGAMY FROM FEAR OF COMMITMENT

bible, book, golden ring

“No going to, yet really want to.”


Growing up, I was raised by a single parent, yet I went to school with people who were in two parent households. My community, just like my home life was made of single parents. And there are so many viewpoints as it pertains to why this exist. Views that extend itself to social responsibility, all the way to people who would rather be co-parents than a spouse. But why would someone choose to be a parent yet exclude the spousal aspect out of the relationship? Could it be the social responsibility, or maybe something else. Maybe it’s this ingrained fear that we have in society. The fear of not only rising to the occasion, but something else.

Could it be that people have this fear of putting all their hard work into something and it not working out. No one wants to put twenty plus years into a relationship and then end it. That is a large chunk of your life that is gone. You could have easily focused on your own life, and been in another space and time. People don’t want to live with that regret of wasting their lives. Because can you imagine living until the end of your life, then realizing it meant nothing. That is a tough pill to swallow, a pill which most can’t take in. So, what do so many people do, they stay single. And choose to be a co-parent with someone else. But are there other aspects of why people don’t marry.

Another aspect is that they might not have been raised in an environment where marriage is this important feat to attain. Why get married when you might be raised to focus on you and your future endeavors. Marriage is such hard work and whose to say it will last anyways. I mean, the divorce rates are so high after only a short period of time anyways. So, those that refrain from marriage could have people around them, mainly in their families keeping them from jumping the broom. Not everyone is raised with the same set of values. So what you want is not necessarily what someone else was raised to want out of life. But, I can still name another reason why people have this fear of commitment. And it has to do with infidelity.

No man nor woman want to put all their time and energy into someone and fear being betrayed by the other person. You are playing your part, yet they have another life outside the relationship. So that vulnerability in the relationship make most second guess. And what’s interesting, you would think that this is a sentiment of most women. Yet there are a lot of men who feel this same way. Only men are raised or pretend to be stoic, so they don’t come off as too emotional regarding the matter. So at times, we’ll make up excuses as to why we don’t want to commit. In reality we don’t want to deal with the hurt. Because as tough as we act, we are just as sensitive as women at times.

In the end, marriage is a topic that most don’t want to discuss. And the reason because it’s so final. The finality of this for life, and it’s the only finality that exist in a human’s life outside of death. Then again, on a biological level, it’s not the most natural way to live. Yet more so a human construct to keep families together and keep down confusion. And for the most part it works, but as much as it works, you’ll always have the demographic that disagree regarding the union.


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UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAST FOR A BETTER FUTURE

Image result for past

“Moving toward the future, from understanding your past.”


Why do people find it so hard to move forward in their lives? One of the reasons is they have yet to come to terms with their past. And don’t get me wrong, your past does not automatically translate into future. But something that has happened in your past is a reason you make your decisions today. And if you are not able to understand this past, then how will you move forward. For instance, a woman might be trying to figure out why she has such bad experiences with men. Then she realizes she never had a relationship with her own father. And as the old saying goes, you link up with, as a man or woman, your previous relationship with a parent.

Now that’s an interesting concept; you wind-up with your parent. Because choosing a potential spouse is such a daunting task in itself. So who raises you from childhood to adulthood is crucial. Now, there is no guarantee that you’re going to have a great relationship if you’re raised with these great parents. But statistically, those raised in two parent households go off to have more successful marriages. And if you are having problems with your relationships or finding a successful relationship, look into your own life. Where in your life is there a link between you and your parent. You might also have been raised in good surroundings, but other aspects like controlling parents or not enough transparency didn’t prepare you for monogamy.

What about other aspects of your past that could affect your future. Issues that you have that keep you from advancing in your career. Very rarely have past performances that are poor, lead to future good performances. Unless, you recognize the past poor performances and correct them for the future. For instance, I am currently working on my next short film. My first one was ok, but there are some things I need to correct for my next one. If I am making the same mistakes, then I have not learned my lesson. So career choices in the future can haunt you if not curbed early on. But small things we tend to avoid, and later make those mistakes that effect in a much greater way years later.

Then again, is coming to grips with your past always lending itself to family situations and career? No, other reasons you look into your past, could be how to make the decisions for the future. You want to learn how to save money, well, analyze your past poor monetary choices. You want to buy a house, then lose the ways of renting because you’re the boss now. In the end, we all have something in our past that can determine the outcome of our future. It might be something as simple as adjusting your monetary expenses or fixing your love life. No matter what, be willing to look into your past and figure out what’s holding you down from accomplishing your future goals.


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PASSION VS. INFATUATION: HOW FAR DOES YOUR EMOTIONS RUN

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“To be in love, is to be obsessed.”


The definition of passion is to have a love, a longing, a wanting for someone else. A feeling that is described as heighten, yet under a controlled state. But to be infatuated is a totally different story. This is generally a person who is excessive with their passion to the point it becomes detrimental to ones self or another person’s life. Infatuated people are the ones who stalk and eventually lead to doing something harmful. Or not even the stalkers, what about the relationship people who are infatuated. So my question is, which one are you? Would you describe yourself as being infatuated or passionate? Are you situational in one area of your life and another in a different capacity?

See, to me, I think that under normal circumstances, we all tend to be passionate, with a touch of infatuation. Why because infatuation is excessive passion, so all passionate people have some form of infatuation. To me, it depends in what particular situation. You might be passionate about your love life, but infatuated to the point the person can’t leave your sights. If you’re with this person, you might be in a more abusive relationship. Simply because they are not able to control their passion so they tend to go overboard. You want just enough passion, but not too much where it becomes stalker like behavior. Well, the control is obvious things, but are normal people potential candidates for infatuation.

The answer is yes, and sad thing is, they may not even realize it. What do I mean by that, I mean a guy might tell the woman he’s with not to wear a certain article of clothing. Fine, then it becomes a constant you can’t wear this and you can’t wear that. Now he is becoming controlling with his passion for her. But is it all about the men, no you have that infatuation on the woman’s part as well. You have women who don’t realize themselves that they are not becoming infatuated with their passion. Meaning, if you are a woman who privately download apps on your man’s cell phone that tracks physical movements or calls that have been deleted, you’re infatuated. Or you could be the woman that goes through all his social media to see if you recognize a woman that you have never seen before. Then once you do, it formulates into an argument of some sort.

As you can see, passion and infatuation are closely related because passion is controlled wanting, and infatuation is uncontrolled passion. And when something becomes uncontrolled you begin to unravel. In the end, we all have that infatuation, that little bit of crazy. But most of us are more passionate leaning. We are the ones who tell our boyfriends and girlfriends, go out and have a good time. Versus the infatuated people who secretly get in their car and drive to the club and watch you to make sure no one speaks to you. So have a balance on the teeter totter of love with the passion being high, but not too high where it is completely in the air. Because now you have hit the point of infatuation.


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