SHAMEFUL ABUSE: HOW SOME COUPLES USE ABUSE AS A TERM OF ENDEARMENT

angry, argument, attack

“Some people fight to stay together.”


Abusive relationships are a very divisive conversation, but what about the abusive relationships where people are comfortable with abuse. And what do I mean by a comfortable situation. I mean couples who have an understanding regarding their relationship. They argue and fight and it’s something that they accept. Other people might look at it and judge them for doing so, but it is completely normal to them. Now, with that said, it could easily be seen as unhealthy, and it is. But what is considered unhealthy in a relationship. Because there are some taboos that are seen as not being normal, but it is that couples’ thing in their relationship.

For example, some people have what is deemed as strange sexual behavior in the relationship. That might be seen by the dominant society as strange and unusual, but to them it is normal. It only becomes unhealthy once the thing that makes this relationship tick becomes dangerously physical. Yet, some still feel that in the mental state certain behaviors are not normal. But who are we to say what is normal or abusive if it is that couples’ sexual thing. Don’t get me wrong, it may be Unorthodox, but it works for them. But is sexual the only way people may exemplify behavior that goes against relationship norms.

No, some people actually in engage in physical fights. This can be dicey because if someone is assaulted it is grounds for prosecution in a court room. Because this may be how a couple communicate, but it is still against the law. It will be treated as a criminal case and not as how this couple get along with each other. For instance, former NFL player Ray Rice was caught on a hotel surveillance camera punching his wife in the face. He tried his best to separate himself from the situation, but he was unsuccessful. He wound up out of the NFL and without a job. Because what was caught on the camera is not just a knee jerk reaction. There is an aspect of that relationship where that form of abuse works for them.

You may wonder, who would build a relationship where punching someone is part of the deal. But some people have their way of communicating. You have relationships that argue and some that fist fight. In the end, whatever the way you communicate, it is only deemed wrong once people start getting hurt. Otherwise, what you do in private is between you and that person you are with.


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TRUTH BE TOLD: DO WOMEN REALLY WANT US ALL THE TIME?

“Do they really want us like we think they do?”


When observing monogamous relationships, we seem to think that it is men and not women who have a hard time being tied down. But, who’s to say that women really want to be with us. Or who’s to say they want us all the time. Women are typically the more emotional ones in the relationship, so we think that women are these sweet and innocent beings that only want us. Me, growing up around a lot of women in my life, you have enough conversations with them and realize that aspects of the previous statements regarding women are not all the way true. Well, you ask, what aspects of women am I referring to.

One of the aspects I am referring to is the notion that men are more sexual than women. Men are supposed to be more apt to cheat, but I think women think just as much as men do about infidelity. The only problem is that social norms in society frown on women being more sexual than men. But social norms and who we are biologically as humans are different. Women are expected to suppress feelings because it is socially immoral. Yet the internal feelings say something different. Women see plenty of men that they are attracted to, and yet never make a move. Now, outside of social norms, men generally are more impulsive while women observe a situation. But that’s the not the autonomous number of women and men.

Another aspect of women not being able to be at times who they truly want to be with us is the choosing method. When choosing a man, women would really prefer to be with someone who they love that loves them. But society tells you to be with a guy of a certain financial and educational means. You may not even want to be with this person, yet they have on paper what you are taught you should want from a man. I have always wondered do women really care, or do they “HAVE” to make excuses. Because women usually say, he doesn’t have this and this, but he has this other quality. Why do women have to point out the greater of what he does not have to uplift what he does have that is considered the lesser to where he could be in life. This has to do with a space of judging as well as biological.

I say biological because there is something very attractive about us as men when we are productive members of society. But it’s even more attractive to women when we start from nothing and build ourselves to something. Then again, society, once again, dictates a lot of how we live our lives. Women are expected to make excuses for what a guy lacks by stating he doesn’t have this, but has this. At times she really want to say, I wish he had this and this, so I wouldn’t have to choose between to the two (Oh, and by the way, it goes both ways). They would love to say, “Why can’t I be with a man who is successful in his career and can please me sexually.” Why must I say, “It aint all about the sex.” In reality she wants the sex and the career.

You see, in the end, women are expected to be the better of the two of us. They’re expected to be the moral compass of the relationship. It further feeds into the ideology of the woman’s way is the right way. Yet, since when is anyone right all the time. Sometimes she want you to be right about something. But when you live in a society that makes you feel like you are the face for what is right and wrong, where do you find time to be human? You need someone to be right in cases where you are wrong. You would really like to be overt sometimes, but you’re always expected to be nonverbal and passive. I will say that times are a lot different than in the past. But we still, even in a modern era, expect women to be the greater morally & ethically and the lesser sexually & emotionally.


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HE-SECRETS AND SHE-CRETS: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN’T TELL YOUR SPOUSE

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“Have anything you can’t tell your significant others?”


Cell phones face down, no access to each other’s passwords on computers, as well as personal experiences the other does not know about you. Is there anything that is too personal to tell your spouse. In my opinion there is nothing you can’t tell them. But people say all the time that your spouse shouldn’t know everything. But I have always wanted to know, what are those things they shouldn’t know? It just seems odd that there is something you can’t talk about that you can’t tell someone you plan on being with forever. So let’s observe those things we possibly couldn’t talk about.

What about looking through your phone, is your phone off limits? This makes sense considering you don’t want your phone in the hands of just anybody. But your spouse is not just anybody. But there are things in your phone that may be open to interpretation that are not quite what they seem. Meaning, you might look into your spouse’s phone and see a text or email and interpret in a manner that is not what you think it is. You don’t want an argument to start over something so innocent. So keeping a secret about having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is tough to tell your spouse. Yet, are there any other reasons as to why you would keep something from a significant other?

Another secret that you might see as keeping from your spouse is certain health situations. This may sound odd to keep your medical information from a spouse. But if it’s not anything serious, maybe you don’t think your husband/wife need to know. This may ring true because you may tell them something that they become worried about. It is not worth worrying your spouse over something that is not that serious. But, are there any other reasons you may keep secrets from your spouse that you feel they should not know? Well, what about you taking money from the household?

Taking money from the household, really! Why are you taking money  from the household? Well, it depends upon why you’re taking money from the house. Not everything needs to be reported if it is in the best interest of the household. Interestingly enough, there are people that feel that house decisions need to be made with both you and the other person. Now, on the other hand, isn’t marriage about having to keep secrets. Shouldn’t everything be on the table? Why are we planning on being with each other for the rest of our lives, yet have all these secrets? So in my opinion, I have a different view on the most recent topics in this passage.

Let’s observe the phone being off limits. There are people whose phone will ring and yell at their spouse for answering the call. To me that’s odd that an argument would transpire over something so ridiculous. As far as the health situation, you should not keep health issues from your spouse. The reason to have disclosure for health is because your spouse takes over in the event something happens to you. So they should always be in the loop regarding your health issues. Now taking money from the household can be an issue because inside the house issues take place first. If you’re taking money from the house, then you should always inform your spouse. In house concerns are not taken care of, then money should  not be leaving the house.

In the end, there shouldn’t be anything you can’t discuss with your significant other. But people feel there are boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed, and the ones I outlined are a few. See it’s all about your communication with the person. You have to know the person you’re dealing with, so as long as you do, you should be ok.

FOR LOVE OR FOR PAPERWORK: WHY WOMEN REALLY WANT A HUSBAND

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“It’s either I do, or I won’t continue.”


Women have always sought out to be wives. Even as young girls they are raised to find themselves a husband. They’re taught that you’re short changing yourself by settling for dating. But the things that women want pertaining to marriage are basic. So basic, do you really need marriage. Or was marriage designed and asked for, for different reasons other than the love. Because love is something you have which brought you to the marriage. There isn’t anymore, the love you have is the love you have. You’re not biologically this new person after you marry that you weren’t when you were not married. So what is it that you become? Can’t be about responsibility because you must be responsible prior to the marriage.

Marriage is the paperwork, not the love. What do I mean by the paperwork? Well, let’s first look at what marriage is in the first place. Marriage is the contractual obligation of bringing together of finances to assess if the relationship will last for the long term. Meaning, laying claims to assets in the case the relationship does not pan out. Which is a huge indicator into why women so desperately want to marry instead of dating. Women say it’s love or in the eyes of God, but it’s really in the event something happens to the man she can continue to live after he is gone. Now when I say live I don’t mean she is unemployed and he is the breadwinner. Even if she has a career along with him, her one income can not sustain the life of both when he was alive.

All of this makes sense considering woman would have to go through someone else if the man gets sick or dies. And what do I mean by going through someone else. I mean that if you and a man are not married you not considered in a lot of places next of kin; especially if he has siblings and/or parents alive. You may be put into a situation that they are able to dictate to you in the event something happens to him. You’re concerned with moving forward, while they are more concerned with a new man replacing their son or sibling. It could actually wind-up stalling your further progress in your own life.

So in the end, why don’t women just say what the real reason they want marriage is for; shame, that’s why. We shame women in society for being real in their intentions. We call them gold diggers for expressing what they want to marry for, a comfortable lifestyle. So they say love and compassion, yet you don’t need to marry for those reasons. We stigmatize them so much that they must now recontextualize what they want to fit into our male dynamics to make us happy. It’s why women make excuses of, “He may not have this and this, but he has this.” They lie about what they want because they don’t want to be judged on the truth. Yet they negatively effect our lives by manifesting what they lie about because they feel a moral obligation to please us in a male dominated environment.

TOO OLD TO CHANGE: HOW WAITING TOO LONG FOR MONOGAMY IS A HARD ADJUSTMENT

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“Did you wait too late?”


Are you in your late 20’s or even your early 30’s and have yet to enter a serious monogamous relationship? People see this as crazy, but it’s not as impossible as you might think. Especially if you are working toward a goal in life, sacrificing your personal life is an easy thing to do. And before you know it, it’s hard to be in a relationship. Dating is pretty standard, but being in a relationship is a lot different. It becomes hard because now you’re sharing your personal space with someone. You have become used to living on your own for so long it becomes tough to live the opposite.

Your transition from moving in with someone or getting an apartment jointly is tough. One of you might be used to living a certain lifestyle that can be negotiated upon. But there are things people are not willing to compromise on which makes living with someone difficult. You like to sleep with the television on, but they want it to be off. You leave the lights on when you leave the house, they need them to be on. You take longer showers than the other person, and need a longer time in the bathroom to prep yourself. Certain things can be given up and some cannot. What about not being able to give up certain things.

Let’s say for a second that you are living with someone and your non-negotiable is what the other person want you to give up. This could hurt the relationship if this happens. Giving up something you love most is tough especially if you’re not guaranteed to be with this person. You’re really taking a gamble with your life. Now what if you give what you love up and then the relationship ends. Now you’re behind in whatever it was you were pursuing in life. Setbacks that cannot be recuperated is hard to cope with. Money can be replaced, but not time, you will never get that time back in life. So where do you go from here if you’re set into a way as it pertains to relationships.

In the end, a lot of people are used to living on their own for long become turned off by relationships. Just the idea of someone other than yourself occupying your space is an invasive experience. Unless this is something you’re used to, your first few relationships might fall through. It might even take years for you to get into the groove of a relationship. But once you’re used to it, it may not be as bad you might think.

Relationships: Is Her Way Really the Right Way?

When it comes to relationships, I have always heard from both men and women alike that her way is the right way. There has always been something about that statement which has puzzled me throughout my life. So I’ve even asked the question to various women, “Why is the woman’s way the right way?” I keep getting the same reply which is, “Our way is better.” Even men have told me it’s their way because that’s just how it is. So, I took the time out to try to understand the logic behind such statements. My reason for breaking down the logic is because women say in the same breathe how much of a challenge they need out of a man.

In trying to understand why women feel their way is better, let’s analyze a woman’s life. When a girl is in her infant stage in life through her early pre-teen years she clings close to her father. From the moment he embraces her, before she steps into general population, her feelings increases toward her caregiving father. We know this is due to the, “hormone of love” called, “Oxytocin. Now, somewhere within adolescent years, she begins to slowly stray from her father. This is due to a hormonal change, but it’s a good sign because it wouldn’t be a stable environment for a girl to grow an attraction to her father.

After leaving her parent’s house, she may be separated from her father in living quarters, but she still holds a place in her heart for him. This is important because it could be the determining factor in choosing a partner for a monogamous relationship. Now, this is where I begin to ask the question regarding a woman’s way. From the moment a relationship becomes serious enough where feelings are developed between both individuals, the her factor comes into play. The her factor which is, why must things go her way. I have come to a conclusion regarding why her way must be the way, all the while, needing her significant other to be a challenge.

In the prior paragraphs, I explained a relationship between daughter and father. Well, chances are she grew up in a house where the father was head of household, with a few jointly shared duties. Now if she grew up in a house watching her father with such authority, why must things going her way now? It’s because her father was so responsible that he was seen as the leader of the household. So now it makes sense to me; women want things to go their way because it speaks to the responsibility of men. This theory came to fruition when I heard so many women ask for challenges out of men they date. A challenge is an objection or a question of authority. Why question her authority when she’s right? This is because the woman’s why is really not the right way.

The real reason a woman’s way is the right way is because so many men do things so wrong it must be her way. Once he comes with a better way of operating that proves beneficial to the household, women are more apt to follow his lead. This is true, otherwise she wouldn’t want a challenge. There is no logic in saying challenge me, yet do things my way. She is telling you you’re doing things the wrong way by asking for a challenge. Women have so many indirect ways of communicating when allowing men to know we are being irresponsible. Should we listen or should women be more verbal? Being indirect hoping for direct reasonable responses can be viewed as confusing and a lack of communication. Remember, knowing woman is like both men and women standing on the same side of a house door. He wants to enter the house yet she is holding the key. Women want you to ask for the key, yet men want women to just hand over the key. Women’s way is figure me out in all my complexity, men’s way is finding the most simplistic measure for results.