IF YOU DON’T SOMEONE WILL: THE REALITY OF CHEAT CULTURE

 

Man and Woman Lying on Bed

“The new normal.”


infidelity

When I was growing up, I was always under the impression that people who married stayed together and happy forever. The more I grew the more I learned about relationships and how things really work themselves out. And one of those things I learned about was infidelity in marriage. But even more shocked when I found out the female statistics on cheating in the relationship. From there I wanted to know why so many people cheated on their spouses. Then I started to do some quick research and found out that so many people do so because their relationship has no passion within the marriage. But if you are working and raising children it’s easy to lose that passion. So is it that cut clean and dry or are there steps to get to that point.

the women who hurt

We are so used to hearing about men who cheat but we are not even thinking about the women who do so. For some reason we don’t associate cheating with women, but so many women do so. But why, is as easy as a guy approaching and next thing you know, she’s cheating. No, it is more of a process that takes place over time. Because I don’t think most women just run out and start cheating on her significant other. Now if he cheats first, that might be a different story. But in general, women usually hold out longer than most men. And a lot of that has to do with how women think about sex. They emotionally connect to someone via sex, so it’s hard to just go out and sleep with someone with nothing there. But once they do, it usually ends the marriage and there is no getting her back. She’s not going to go to that guy, but you have most likely lost her.

if it’s not good, get out

There are still some people who wait until they are married to have sex. But in today’s society you have people who have sex quicker. Now, if the sex is not good, most men may stay just because he might get sex again. Women most likely will stop the situation and move on. But for the ones who don’t move on, they stay for other reasons outside of intimacy, more so security reasons, then find the sex outside the relationship. So how do you become that good lover, and is it still enough not to make the person go outside as fast. In my opinion, if the person moves that fast, they are just prone to do that because people don’t jump off the ledge as quick.


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LOVE OR SOMETHING KIND OF LIKE IT: THE BUSINESS THAT IS MARRIAGE

Man in Black Long-sleeved Shirt and Woman in Black Dress

“Forever, not quite.”


what is love

What is the definition of love? Love is a deep affection or an intense feeling of pleasure one feels from another or people. So to put it simply we love those that directly effect our lives and contribute to it for the better. Sometimes this is biological and others times it could mean something else. But to me, love is not deep affection or intense feeling of pleasure. To me love is a conditioning of ones behavior based on past, present, and future behavior. We base our love on the things that people say to us and do for us. There is a me in all of this because if it’s not benefiting me why love someone. And that benefit can come in many different forms. And you can’t love everyone because not everyone is contributing to your overall positive quality of life. So how do we define how to love and when to love someone?

friendships and relationships

People come into our lives at different points and we define those coming together times with each other as likeable. It develops into love once they have consistently showed their affection over time. How do you know it’s love and not lust. Well, you have those nostalgic moments where you remember the good they have brought into your life. Then you think to yourself, “that is why I love them.” Lust is a deep sexual desire which tends to be temporary. The memories that last forever define your relationship with them. But being friends and the love of a monogamous relationship is different. The love you get in a monogamous relationship has a degree of intimacy that involves sharing your body in a manner that is sexual. And this is where you separate those you date from the those you friend. Yet, what is it about the dating love that turns into marital love? And is marital love really love, or is it something more?

getting hitched

To be in love with someone is to be in a constant state of fear and emotional security. That to me is insanity because how can you feel afraid and yet secure at the same time? It’s because the love is on a very conditional basis. And that marriage is really not love, yet it is more of a construct that is based around love. A construct that grants you the ability to love someone so long as they provide you with the tangible security in conjunction with intangibles to keep them interested. Or better put, love is emotions you feel, only the obligations of the love contract that brought you together keeps being fulfilled. So if money brought you together, never lose money. If physical brought you together, stay looking hot. Now, let me be clear, when we first meet, we are pure physical. But in the course of the relationship, you are supposed to look at other things as a means to make it work. And whatever those things formulate in to, is what the condition of love is based around. So if it starts looks and, then formulates into caring for me when others won’t, you will get sick in marriage and remember, “Oh, sticking it out through sickness was something that made us want each other.” If the terms are based on a pretense that you know to be false, your marriage will get tested. And you will fail the test because it was a lie to begin with.

unconditional is not real

If I break your heart, will you stay or go. Most people say I don’t no. Then you know what, your love is not unconditional. Because infidelity is a condition to end a relationship. When you love without a condition, there is nothing that person can do wrong. But we all have a condition, and for most people the condition is living out the terms of our relationship contract under the guides of love. Love, honor, and obey is a vow we take. But that simply means to stand by me with the same consistency that we dated. But most people don’t stay bonded like they did dating, so the marriage starts to get stale. Then you head for divorce or have a boring life. There is infidelity that occurs which is receiving that affection outside the marriage when the terms are not met, or shutting down and hurting your own happiness. Does that mean, for example, when men cheat we feel unappreciated, few do, most of us do it just cause. But unconditional is not real, it is just a figment of our conscious that we aspire to become while as a creature of the natural world, we are packed with conditions that if not met will end a marriage. So basically a marriage is a contract between two parties who intend to keep their promise of love which could expire at any moment if the terms of the deal are not felt met by one or two parties. What the hell type of ambiguous bullshit is that, BUT IT’S REAL.


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DATING ALLEGATIONS: WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU ABOUT A CHEATING PARTNER

Image result for CHEATING

“To talk or not to talk.”


Having a friend in a relationship can be a new adjustment if you guys have both been single for so long. Now this new person comes in the mix and everything is different. But that is not the topic of today; the topic of today is sharing information with your friend regarding their significant other. What if you had proof that your friend’s significant other was talking to someone else on the side? Would you inform your friend that this person was out talking to someone else? Or would you keep the information to yourself? Telling your friend could mean an argument depending on how they felt about the person. But keeping it a secret could mean jeopardizing the friendship as well.

Let’s observe the outcomes of telling your friend. See, if you tell your friend it could go a few ways. The first is that your friend is proud that you would bring the information to them. Allowing them the access into what is going on behind their backs is really important. But there is another outcome from telling them. That is that they might lash out at you for telling them. You don’t know how they feel and it could backfire ending a friendship. So, so many people tend to not say anything and leave the situation alone. But even that has repercussions to it. What are the repercussions for not telling your friend about their significant other?

That’s right, there is the other side of the coin. And that is not telling your friend what happened. This could have its own set of problems by not speaking. Because once your friend finds out what happened and you knew, now what comes of the friendship. When they found out you know, it will put a serious damper on the relationship. Especially if you are their best friend, they expect you to say something before anyone says something. So then if they are mad for you not saying anything, and mad for you saying anything, then what? And it all boils down to the friendship that you and this other person have together.

In the end, friends usually have an understanding whether they would want someone to say something. If you don’t have an understanding with your friend, then it can go good or bad. With no communication, it can go in any direction.



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MONOGAMOUSLY LONELY: WHAT’S KEEPING YOU OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

Midsection of Couple Holding Hands at Beach Against Sky

“We all have relationship fears.”


How many of you reading this post are single? Now how many of you are reading this post who are single and afraid of commitment? And that question is the question that so many people have to ask themselves. Not only so many people, me as well. I think that we are afraid of commitment because we don’t want to be cheated on, let others down, and our fears that someone is depending on us. Having to look outside of yourself to care for another human being is tough. And I don’t mean just being parent. Because you have some great parents who are bad boyfriend/girlfriends and spouses. So why is it so tough to commit?

Like I said above, one reason has to do with not wanting to have to deal with infidelity. No one wants to be cheated on because it’s such a deflating feeling. The feeling of not amounting up to the other person’s potential. Or the feeling that you are not as great as you thought you were. It’s those insecure feelings that make people possessive in relationships. And that Image result for infidelitypossessive nature might actually push a person away just as fast as the neglect. When in relationships, you have those self-conscious feelings and doubts about the other person. You’re so insecure at times, that you’ll create cheating scenarios in your head. Scenarios of what the other person might be doing, which prompts you to go snooping for answers. And trust and believe, you’ll find something, no matter how small.

Another reason people have a hard time committing is that you don’t want to be in a position to let others down. We have to meet certain expectations that when single you don’t have to meet. When single, you can be a little more lazy; kick up your feet and relax. When in relationships, you always have to have your A game on. So in the relationship, you have to work, Image result for commitmentalmost like being the popular kid in school. Work to get in, and work to stay in. And it’s a gig that does not monetarily pay. Can you image how successful relationships might be, if there was some type of monetary gain for remaining together? But then again, if you need money as a motivator, you probably don’t like the other person anyways.

But what about the last fear on my list; having someone depend on you to get something accomplished. When you’re single, you depend on you, now you have another person to work your schedule around. You now have to make sacrifices to your life, that you otherwise don’t have to make. It’s a Image result for dependenttough adjustment, especially for a guy like me whose used to being single. Now, let’s add another addition in the mix; a child. What happens if a child is produced in the relationship? Now the responsibility of another life is fully dependent upon you. There is no out once a kid comes into the household. So you are now forced to deal, not just for a few years, or even 18 years, but for life.

In the end, operating in a relationship is tough because it requires you to give up, take on, and accept so many things out of your control. You’re no longer belonging to you, but obligated to someone else. You have to now ask before you make a decision rather just making it. And if the other person is not comfortable, you may have to forgo the decision. That’s right, you compromise. One of the hardest decisions to make is to compromise. Giving up what you want, for the “potential” of success in this new situation.


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BETRAYAL: CAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE INFIDELITY

Image result for infidelity

“Get over it, or move on.”


Men and women both agree that cheating is wrong, yet we both do it. It’s a very conniving action to take, and painful thing to go through. But my question to you is, can a relationship survive infidelity? Can you forgive someone who has cheated on you? What are the steps you go through in order to make the situation better? Me personally, I couldn’t survive a cheating situation. Mainly because every time we would be intimate I would see another person in my place. The image wouldn’t go away; so it’s not the idea of cheating. It’s the physical image of someone else in your position. Unless we’re just dating, then it doesn’t have the same effect.

And that is an interesting view because I don’t think a lot of men are willing to accept women back like women accept us. There are so many views on why it’s different. They are views that range from that’s what we do and women should not; to guys do it to do it, and women do it with malice attached. But it is ever a reason to cheat, and why? And if you think it’s ok, then why do you have such a hard time being honest about it? Because people say you shouldn’t tell your spouse everything. But if you cheat, it could leave a cloud of guilt over the situation. But I have a different view for cheating.

If you are in a position to cheat on your significant other, it’s probably best to break it off. Because what you do if you don’t, is that you hold the other person to this promise. But then when you go ahead and break the promise what does that mean? Does that mean that the promise is off the table? Because it’s hard for you to be taken serious from now on. You are making demands, but they are not taken seriously because you’re known for going back on your word. And if you are this person going back on your word you build up a reputation for not being trust-worthy. So anything you so moving forward doesn’t quite hold much weight to it.

See, in the end, cheating can cause more problems especially keeping it a secret. Because you leave the other person confused and in a state of bewilderment since you’re not being honest. Yet, there are people who take the cheating boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse back again. Some hold true to their word and never cheat again, and others don’t. Is once a cheater always a cheater? Or is it something that happens, and there is no going back? It’s all up to the person being cheated on?


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WEB OF LIES (SHORT STORY)

Caravan pulls up to the doors of the hospital. Running from the drivers’ side of the caravan, a man rushes to the passenger side of the van. Opening the door he assists his wife from the car. She’s holding the bottom of her stomach, breathing heavily, she slowly exits the vehicle. The man, holding her hand, helps her through the automatic hospital doors. They approach the receptionist of the hospital. The man ask the receptionist for a doctor because his wife was in labor. After the receptionist agreed, he and his wife walk over to a bench in the hospital. Soon after a doctor with a nurse approaches the married couple with a wheel chair. The nurse and the man assist the pregnant woman. The doctor smiles at the woman and asks relevant questions regarding her current status. After the questioning the doctor ask the man to go with the nurse for some scrubs. The doctor advised that after he placed on the scrubs he could come into the delivery room. The woman, still breathing heavily looked over her shoulder at her husband while she was being whisked away with the doctor in the wheelchair. The nurse directed the husband to another room where he will receive his scrubs.

Once dressed in his scrubs, the nurse directs him to the delivery room where he sees his wife legs up in stirrups. He walks over to his wife as she begins to firmly clutch his hand. She begins to explain to him the pain she is feeling at the moment, as he tries to console her. The doctor enters the room dressed from head to toe in scrubs. He is assisted by a few other nurses. All four of them walk to the bed as they prepare themselves for the woman’s pregnancy. What seemed like a calm room in the beginning became more noisy and hectic as the the doctors began to work with the woman. She pushed and screamed during the pregnancy; the whole time her husband encouraging her to keep breathing and push more. The pregnancy continued to proceed forward as the doctor informed the woman he could see the baby’s head. Her husband continued to aid her in the process. The doctor and nurses began to take on a look of confusion as they retrieved the baby.

The husband asked the doctors what was wrong, but the doctor continued with the delivery. As the woman pushed and pushed, the doctor and nurses started to look at each other uncomfortably. The husband and wife questioned the doctor as to the nature of the baby. Holding the baby in his arms, the doctor raised from below the stirrups. He informed the husband and wife they are the proud parents of a baby boy. The husband’s face had a look of confusion as he slowly turned to his wife. There was a momentary silence in the room as the husband stood up from his seat next to his wife. He began to yell and scream regarding the physical embodiment of the baby. He was upset because the newborn was African American and they were a White married couple. The husband stormed out of the room as the nurses followed behind him. The only people left in the room was the wife and the doctor.

He slowly looks to the door, then back at the wife.

“How come you never told me you were pregnant?”

The woman replied, “Because we were together only once, not to mention we used protection.” “But my husband and I were trying to have a child.” “So it made perfect sense not to inform you of anything.”

They continued to converse as the husband was in the hallway ranting about the delivery. The nurses in the hallway were trying to calm him, but he started to attract more attention. A well dressed woman in a pantsuit and a hospital badge approached the enraged husband.

“Sir, what is the matter with you?”

He replied, “Who the hell are you?”

Turning to the woman, the husband’s eyes lit up.

“Tanya!” said the husband.

Tanya asked him what was wrong, and he informed her of his wife’s pregnancy. He went on to explain how his wife was cheating on him with an unknown Black male. Telling Tanya the baby is biracial, Tanya appeared shocked by the situation. Soon after, the doctor emerged from the room into the hallway. Walking over to the husband, he notices Tanya. They momentarily embrace as the husband glares at the two of them.

“How do you two know each other?” asked the husband.

“This is my wife,” said the doctor.

Tanya slowly dropped her head in shame. The husband angrily walks away from the nurses, doctor, and Tanya.

“He said his wife was cheating on him and the baby appears to be biracial,” said Tanya.

“What a way to find out your wife is cheating.”

The uncomfortability on the doctor’s face wouldn’t even allow him to look at his wife. Her phone begins to vibrate. She pulls out the phone seeing the text message from the husband. The message read, “You never told me you were married.” Tanya clutches the phone, as her and the doctor give each other a nervous smile and slowly walk away from each other in shame.

SECRETS: How Much Do You Really Know About Your Spouse.

Image result for trust

“Are you hiding something?”

You meet someone, and you start dating. Before you know it, you’re moving in with this person. Eventually the topic of marriage comes up. But by this time, you should already know a lot about the person you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with; or not. My last post talked about people’s debt situation. But what about secrets someone is keeping. What about infidelity, hiding money, sicknesses, and/or internalized torment.

First let’s analyze infidelity in a relationship. Could your intimate relationship survive if you knew your significant other has cheated sometime during the relationship. Does it matter, even if the incident happened once? I think women are more apt to accept the cheating once than we are as men. You know what, on second thought, once, how about multiple times cheating. Yet there are still those women out there who say absolutely not. Not under any circumstance would she accept cheating.

Now, is that the worse secret one could keep from a marital partner. How about hiding money in a secret bank account or in the form of cash in a safe? How would you react to finding out this person had a secret stash? A rainy day stash just in case they needed to leave the relationship. This way they are financially set in the case you want to leave them hanging dry. It is kind of offsetting to find out someone has plan B.

You start to think in the back of your mind, “Am I not giving them enough?” “Maybe they’ve been planning on leaving me all along.” Dozens of questions go through your mind as to why someone would need an escape route out. But it’s not all about money or cheating. There have even been people that hide medical information from their spouse. This may be on par, if not worse than cheating. A sickness, especially something deadly could put the family in limbo.

You go to the doctor’s office and find out you’re having heart problems. Yet you never consult your spouse, but keep it to yourself. You die, and they never knew anything was wrong. Sounds quite selfish considering had that person have said something, preparations could have been made in the event of a tragedy. Then again, some things aren’t medical per say, but mental such as depression or stress.

The reason why I said medical per say is because depression and stress ( which can lead to depression) is not always a medical issue. Some people can work out their issues over time. But how comfortable are you to go to your spouse and say I’m depressed. It seems like a very uncomfortable experience. But shouldn’t you be able to go to your spouse and express yourself. Especially if you’re depressed. They should be the first person you talk to in these situations.

Yet on the other hand, personal torment can even be too great to tell a spouse. What if it’s not depression or stress, but gender identity. Imagine the upset if your spouse came to you opening up about their sexuality. Could you handle your husband or wife telling you they were gay or bisexual? I can see it now, “Hello dear, how has your day gone?” “Oh by they way I’m gay, can you pass the peas.” Or, “Sweetie, we need to talk.” “I think I’m bisexual.”

There is no real way to break the news to your spouse. Because any way you explain yourself is going to be the wrong way. So with all that has been said, can your relationship survive secrets. If so what secrets, and what is the severity of those secrets. In the end it all depends on the person and their threshold for what you are about to tell them.