YOU’RE NO GOOD: DEALING WITH PEOPLE WHO DON’T THINK YOU CAN SUCCEED

Close-Up Photography of a Man Holding PPen

“You need a new circle dude.”


they don’t believe in me

Whenever you pursue a career you really want to do, you will always have people who doubt you. You have those that think you are no good, or not good enough. And they feel this way because they have an idea of how they see you. They can’t see past what you are, that is ingrained in their heads. Whenever you exceed the expectations of others they start to get upset with you. Why, well you’re not supposed to be more than what I see. Because my belief system means something. And if you are more than my belief, then you are going to be perceived as someone I will clash with in life.

watch the company you keep

Who are these people in your inner circle that feel they need to be the ones telling you that you are no good. Now granted, sometimes people make some good points and assessments of who you are, but at times they are more envious than anything. That’s when it’s time to choose a new circle of people. Because being around people like this can stunt your career growth. If all you hear are people telling you what is or isn’t possible, you start to believe in the voices. And before you know it, you’re producing garbage or quitting just to satisfy others around you.

look into their lives

Before you take the advice of someone or people that say to you that you can’t succeed, take a look at their existence. I am willing to bet you that they are doing something that they truly love. Because anyone that loves what they do are not going to sway you away from what you’re good at or love to do. People like to project what they don’t like about themselves onto you. They can’t see themselves in that position and they feel they are more talented than you. So how is it that you’re gong to be in that specific place in life.


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HIRING KIN AND FRIN: SHOULD YOU EMPLOY PEOPLE CLOSE TO YOU

 

adults, apron, business

“See how they work first.”


a family affair

When making the decision to open a business, there are some age old questions regarding the business. And one of those questions is, should you hire family to do the job. And so many people feel that hiring family is a major problem. One reason being is that people don’t feel the need to work as hard when it’s for family. Another problem you run in to is the idea of pay. People who are family, and even friends want to make a certain amount of money just because we are close to each other. And that can prove to be a problem if you look at a business from the standpoint of performance. So what do you do in the case of hiring?

wait a while

People don’t want to hire friends and family because of the issues that come with it. But you have to see first how things pan out. Only disregard keeping them once it has been proven they are not up to par. Because now you have to make a decision whether to keep them or watch your business fail. But initially it is too hard to tell. You might even have them show up and prove to be better employees than hiring people you don’t know. Only problem is if worse comes to worse, can you be the one to pull the plug on the entire operation? Or can you be the one to pull the plug on them? These are the decisions you may have to make for your business.

upsides of outsourcing

People who you hire from outside of your friends and family will work the job on average more efficiently. Why, well they are not aware of who you are in life. So they are just coming to work for a new business. People close to you may feel that since they know you, there is this preconceived idea as to how you will run a business. That lack of know from the outside is just you Average Joe opening a business. People are showing up because they need work, not interested in trying to figure you out.


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KWANZAA: DAY 1, UMOJA

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“Community involvement.”


Yesterday was day one of the celebration Kwanzaa. Day one focuses on Umoja, which is the community, familial, and ethnic unity. For those of you that don’t know what Kwanzaa is as a holiday, it was created back in the late 1960’s as a celebration to acknowledge those of African heritage. There are seven core principles, and yesterday was the day of that principle Umoja. And if you are African American, what does Umoja mean to you? I grew up in a predominantly African American family, but we celebrated Christmas my whole life. Now that I am an adult, I more and more lean toward the celebration of Kwanzaa. One of the reasons is because of the capitalist view of the holiday that is Christmas. But that is just a small aspect of the Christmas holiday. A second reason is that when you come from such a dismantled community, a holiday celebrating the uplifting of you becomes quite important.

And what I have noticed about the holiday is that it has grown year by year in popularity. More people are joining and leaving Christmas in greater numbers. Because of what it promotes, which brings me to day one. The community, family, and ethnic group’s togetherness. Nothing else in America is designed to uplift Black people. So with an introduction of Kwanzaa, it becomes very special. Bringing together friends and family, members of the community, working on a common core belief. And that belief is to take care of the people around you. Not just the ones who you share a kinship with, but the ones who live right next door. And with so much fragmentation, who could blame anyone for not wanting to take part in the festivities.

Day one is very important, if not the most important day because without that close bind between friends, family, and community, it becomes impossible to have the other six days that lead up to the last day. So I say Umoja, build relationships and get o know those around you. As well as strengthen the ties of kinship that already exist.


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PERSONAL PERCEPTION: HOW YOUR PEERS SEE YOU VERSUS HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF

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“You’re never who they think you are.”


We all have this idea of how someone sees us in life. But how can you be for certain if people actually like you or if they are just putting on airs to get in good with you. Because you are never the person you are to you as you are with others. No matter how much you try to convey that you are someone else, they see you as something else. So which one is right; their perception of you or your perception of you? Well, this depends on the image you project outward to people. Sometimes how people see you is on the basis on what you show them. If you show them this person that you’re not, then they’ll believe in what you show them. And what’s crazy is that no matter how much you tell them you are different, they’re still going to believe the person that they have come to know the longest. But then there is the other side of things.

You have people who view you in a light that has nothing to do with what you show them, but who they think you should be in life. And if you want to see how someone really views you, then ask them to introduce you to someone on a date. You will get a full idea of what they think of you. From the physical aspects of who they introduce you to, to the mental conversation the person has on a date. After the date, you should make it your business to meet the person you want to date. Then once you do meet the person, bring them around the people who had a hand in hooking you up on a date. They had the person they wanted you to be with, and they might grow to resent you because you have more than what they felt you deserved. This is how you find out who your true friends are and how they really feel about you.

Like I said earlier, you’re never to others who you are to yourself. What is it that would make a person feel like you don’t deserve the person you want to date? Because people feel that based off their own inner workings, they observe you. And to them, you fall into an equation somewhere below where they stand. So if you exceed the expectations of what they feel you deserve they have to evaluate two ideas in their mind. Number one, they are not as smart as they thought they were at pin-pointing a friend, and you as the successful friend makes them feel mediocre. But instead of figuring out a way to move away from the mediocrity, they want to stifle your growth. So in the end, be prepared in life to lose people that are not meant to be in your life. Not everyone is, and that could even extend into family.


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GENDER FRIENDSHIPS: CAN MEN AND WOMEN REALLY JUST BE FRIENDS

Image result for gender friends

“Friendzone is a hard zone.”


I was contributing to a discussion on a Facebook page of a woman I know who was having a hard time regarding finding male friends. And she was saying how it’s hard to have male friends because there is always some way of bringing the situation back to him liking and pursuing her. And I started to think about that, can men and women truly be friends, given the two are heterosexual. Because it’s obvious they can be friends when one or both of them are gay. But what happens when both are attracted to the opposite sex, but also are physically attractive. Can two people find each other attractive and still be friends? Because men and women are biologically on this Earth to procreate, but socially we are expected to behave a certain way in certain situations.

That’s what is interesting about both genders, is that there is this scientific piece, then there is the societal element. Society says, you are supposed to give the other person space when they just want to be friends and respect that space. Science dictates that I am attracted to this person, and want to intimate with his person. So what happens is that the friendship sometimes degrades when one person is trying to date the other person, while the one being pursued just wants to be friends.So how do you get across to the person that you just want a friendship, yet you know how we are designed as men and women?

This is all the reasons above why so many women have their gay friends. This is so they don’t have to deal with the stress of having a guy every single second of the day trying to create means of getting with her. She can also go to the night spots that this guy frequent and have a good time as well. But on top of this, she can also have the comfort of being able to hang with her guy friend and receive man advice with no pretense. Now, on the other hand, be careful if you want someone to just be your friend and they are fine, but then you turn around and change up the contract. This is also known to happen as well. You can’t hold someone to a friendship and then you don’t hold up your end of the bargain.

In the end, men and women can ultimately be friends, but I think that happens with time and maturity. Your objective when you are a young man is to meet women and date. So when you come across a woman that you find attractive, the last thing you’re thinking is let’s hang out. You would almost sound phony in situations trying to act as if you do want to be friends as a means of getting close to her. But once people do age, they take on certain viewpoints making it easier to have opposite sex friends.


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PEER PRESSURE: WHY SO MANY YOUNG PEOPLE DON’T FIGHT IT

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“A time in life without a sense of self.”


When you’re growing up in school, you seek to fit into the environment of that academic space. And coincidentally enough, that space is not attaining the best grades, but more so trying to wear the latest fashion, and hang out with what is perceived to be the cool kids. And that word perception sticks out the most because your perception of each other is what’s the strongest, not the real person. Why is perception the most important, well it has to do with lack of facts. The facts that lead you into the inner workings of the real person. But who cares about facts, when you can easily makeup a perception that suits you just fine. And that is what we live by all growing up until we become adults and take on our own identities. That keeping your image together for what people think you is known as your reputation.

Now, considering your reputation proceeds you wherever you go, you work hard to keep that image in tack. But what if your image is not the image of what your peers think is acceptable for you to have in life. See, it’s easy as an adult to say, screw that, this is such a small window into the outside world, but kids don’t understand your advice. We can look at life from such a rational perspective, once you step out into the world. You have realized as an adult that no one truly cares how much swagger you have in life. You have to be able to be productive, but that built in understanding is not present in kids and teens. You can’t fully expect children to have that level of self-awareness, or that built in rejection mechanism that you get once you become adults. To them, this is your circle of friends for life. As adults we understand you may never see these individuals ever again once you graduate high school.

And not because you think you’re better than your friends, but more so, you start to out grow people’s mind frames. So the kids who were once your adversaries, eventually become people you have as associates. Now, there are those exceptions to the rule; such as the kids you just walk to the beat of their own drum. These kids are very few and far between, but they do exist. I took on the walk to my own beat after getting injured in sports. You go from, “Who is that boy that runs track and plays football so well,” to “He use to fly playing sports, oh well.” That’s when I learned people like you for what you’re doing, not necessarily because of you. So they generally gravitate toward that because we all want to be attached to something we perceive to be great, even if it’s for a short stint. Yet again, there goes that word perception; people perceived me to be great.

And in the end, that’s why fighting peer pressure is so difficult for so many young people. It’s not just the idea of wanting to not be the odd one out, but you want to be attached to something you perceive to be better than yourself. We all have this time in our lives where we want to be something other than ourselves. And once we see someone who appears to be doing anything remotely better than us, it looks appealing to us. So if the kid who has the latest sneakers growing up walks into school, we seek to be close and attach ourselves to that person. That person could potentially have a trouble home life, but they are perceived to be better because they are in a social class outside of where we see ourselves.


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WHEN BLOOD AINT BLOOD NO MORE: WHEN IT’S TIME TO CUT OFF FAMILY

Image result for losing family

“Sometimes they’re worse than enemies.”


We are connected by blood, grew up with each other, and as you age you may have to cut them off: family. I have not had to make this decision, but there are people who have had to do so. I was listening to the radio when I heard a hip hop artist talk about having to cut off his own brother for stealing money from him. His brother stole $300,000 and now that relationship has to be severed. Because it’s not really about the money as it is about the idea of him ripping off his own family. How do you steal from someone so close to you? But that is when you see people’s real motives, and how far they are willing to go when they want something. So what are other reasons that one must cut off family from their lives? Well, what about the entitlement aspect of being related to someone.

In family, you are supposed to pull your weight and aid those in need when they do from themselves. But what happens when the person has this give me because we’re blood mentality. You are not entitled to have just because you’re blood. You’re also not obligated to care for family like a child or children, especially if the person/s are able-bodied adults. My grandmother told me about life growing up in the state of Mississippi. She said that every family had a plot of land, no matter how big or small. And it was very important you tended to that land everyday. Because if you didn’t tend to your land everyday, then you and family didn’t eat when crop came through for everyone else. Hopefully, a neighbor and/or family nearby had some leftover crop, otherwise you were screwed. And it was that thought process which kept people together. Kept people strong as one. You had to get up when everyone else was getting up and sleep as well.

But today, there is this built in ideology that since we have the same blood flowing through our veins we are indebted to each other. And what’s crazy is that we are not part of the architectural design of each other. You have to not only be there in good, but in bad as well. You have to expect to give as well as asking for something. And as my mother raised my sisters and myself, “If you don’t call that person on a consistent basis, then don’t call them when you need something.” She was telling us that you are supposed to deal on the basis of sentiment, not cents. Call them to say hello, not just because you see some benefit in it for you. And once it becomes a relationship built on I need, and give me, then you have to disconnect. Because now, the person/people don’t respect you anymore. Because it’s easy to make a demand when you have not done anything to get what you are asking for form the person.

In the end, it’s all about respect and boundaries. They have to understand you have a life and they have a life. There is nothing wrong with under-girding those that are close to you. But once the relationship comes to the point of me, me, me, and you’re sacrificing your own piece of mind, then you have to disconnect. Because you never love anyone more than you love yourself. Even if the it comes at the cost of losing people. You only have one obligation to one person in this world, and that is you. Help those around you, but understand that help is purely voluntary and not owed.


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