SCIENCE OF PARENTING: WHAT MAKES WOMEN CLOSER THAN MEN

blanket, boots, care

“We are not like them.”


the job aint easy

You ever hear people say that the job of raising children is not an easy? Well, it is; I don’t have any, but observing my mother raising children, I can tell it was a struggle. The feat of not only getting up making sure they are fed, but placing them into the world. You have to let go and realize they are in the world and trust they make the right decisions. Because the kid part are the cute years, it’s when we get older where the job becomes difficult. Once those adolescent years hit and friends become more of an influencer than parents, that’s when the job gets tough. But this topic is more than that, it’s about the relationship that each parent has with the child/children.

gender differences

The science behind why a woman is connected to the child more is simple. She is the one who carried the kid, so there is a deeper bond than the man has with the child. Men can easily role around and play with the kid then head off to work. We have that ability to connect then disconnect in an instant. But all throughout the day, especially when the child is a baby, women can’t do the same. It is impossible for a woman to tune out when the kid is young. She is able to do so as the kid gets older, and ready to take on their own identities. But is there more behind the idea that women connect better than men? Meaning, what is the even deeper science behind mom and dad bonds.

evolution

Humans have attachments to each other which aids in our ability to coexist as a planet. But when we have children men bond differently then women. And there is a science to this bond. My best guess is that men were never meant to be in the life of the child. Father’s being around is a social construct more than it is biological. Don’t get me wrong, men still will fight and die for their young, but were we supposed to be a community like we are today. There are social means as to why we as men stick around: give the kid guidance, be an example for what the kid shall be in life, a protector in the household, an additional contributor to the family, and a partner for the woman. These are social constructs, but biologically, we don’t have those attachments because maybe we were never meant to have them. That doesn’t excuse deadbeat fathers, it just aims at understanding why we can be great fathers, yet disconnect to get work done, or even become better disciplinarians.


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FATHERLESS: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN BOYS DON’T GROW WITH THEIR FATHERS

adorable, baby, born

“You are his first guidance counselor.”


As a young boy who grew up in a single parent home without my father, I can tell you first hand what boys miss when they don;t have a man around. Luckily for me, I was able to not only look to my mother, but there were enough men around I could look to, to gauge what it means to be a man. Now that I am 30 years of age, my father and I speak now. This is tough for many considering they have so many grudges they hold for the other parent. As for me, I have learned not mainly the art of forgiveness, but an aspect of life has set in; which is no one cares. The world at large could care less about you not having your father in your life. Because when its all said and done, the world will judge you based on you, not your parent.

Sounds like a hard pill to swallow because you lose so much with that other half not in your life. And what are some of the key aspects of life you miss out on.

RESPONSIBILITY

Image result for RESPONSIBLE

You might be thinking to yourself, your mother can raise you to be responsible. But living in society there are different expectations for men and for women. Even as we start to take on relationships, the expectations of men become different. Funny that your mother never sit down and talk to you about the real standards that women have in life. But instead, mothers don’t want to throw too much at you, almost like she wants to protect you more than see you afraid to step out into the world. But a man afraid to step out into the world, is a man headed down an unsuccessful path. You can’t become successful if all you’re doing is second guessing the entire time. And women themselves will learn to not be able to trust you and depend upon you as well. Nothing you say will be taken seriously because there is not that strong male foundation. Mothers are more apt to give their sons a little more leeway than the father. The father is more authoritative when dealing with their sons, while mom tends to be more emotional. And the problem with mom emotions directed toward her son. He grows and starts to take on these attributes. Which is seen as normal for women, but we appear to be weak and unwilling to take action when action is needed. We’re more likely to be sons and friends to women in our lives than boyfriends and husbands.

DISCIPLINE

Image result for military discipline

Here is the part of life where fathers teach their sons about how to be patient. Here is where young boys get that first hand lesson in good things coming to those who wait, when the one is waiting is focused and poised. Usually boys are quite jittery, but fathers are the ones who whip them into shape. “Boy sit down,” or “Didn’t I tell you to be still?” You’re given these hard directions, that at times come from mom, but they scream louder from dad. And why do we listen to dad’s discipline more than mom’s discipline. It has nothing to do with our love for him more. It has everything to do with the idea that we know and understand, even at a young age the strong staff that dad carries. And that internal feel of dad means business leads into the next thing boys miss out on.

SELF-IDENTIFICATION

Image result for self mirror

The previous paragraph that explains the understanding we have as men when we are in each other’s presence. That feeling that women don’t have when we as men come cross paths with each other. And you look into the eyes of another man and realize in that moment when he is serious, when he is not who he says he is, and when he is burying something internally. And part of knowing who we are is by way of knowing yourself as well. A lot of boys growing up coming into manhood have a hard time communicating with other men without getting emotional because they lack self-identification. Then they finds themselves in trouble because they are not consciously aware. Not having any man who is truly unaware because he was not taught awareness, is not only a problem and detriment to himself but society. And if you look at the statistics, boys who are more prone to commit crimes and wind up in prison usually didn’t have their fathers to teach them men don’t do this or do that in life. So the boy grows full blown from whatever imaginations is there that is not cultivated by the man in his life.

In the end, boys tend to miss out on a lot by not having their fathers or some man around that they can look to in how to be a man. Like I said earlier, in my life, I could look to someone that was an image of manhood. Some boys in the community turned to gangs as a way to link up with men who served as guidance in their lives. And even though mom plays an intricate role in your life, their is so much you lose that have to learn on the fly by not having a father.


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HAPPY FATHER’S DAY: WHAT DOES THIS DAY MEAN TO YOU

brother, child, dad

“I may not have children, but what a feeling it must be.”


Today is the day we celebrate all the fathers in society. The men who are the protectors of their families. The ones that awaken early in the morning and arrive home late into the evenings. But now I ask the question to you; what does today to mean to you? What are some thoughts that come to mind when you think about father’s day? And that does not necessarily have to be your father. It can be a grandfather, cousin, uncle, or even a sibling. Who in your life has influenced you that deserves to be celebrated on this day? Let me explain how each of these men are deserving of this title as father.

How about a sibling, how does a sibling effect you by them being a father? I have not had this privilege given I have two sisters, but there are people who have siblings that impact them. For example, you want children and you have an older brother or younger brother with children. Their relationship with their children may rub off on to you choosing a mate to have children with in your life. You might say to yourself, “I want to have children with a man who is a father like my brother.” Well, what about men you know who are related to you such as your uncles.

That makes a lot of sense, uncles are siblings to your parents or your grandparent’s siblings. Usually your parent’s siblings are a good gauge for influencers in your life as fathers. If you didn’t have your father growing up, your uncles, who generally are your parent’s siblings may be able to step in and assist you. Especially if you are a boy growing up. Your uncle could be pivotal in your development as a young man in a life where you are growing up without a father figure. Yet, there is still one more person that is an important father figure in life, and that is your grandfather.

Grandfathers who have been through the majority of life. They know and understand the full road ahead of you, especially as a boy. They can prepare you for manhood. And as a girl, give you a good overall feel for the type of family man she should want as a husband. You’re able to gauge how great this man is by watching the offspring of him. The children, grandchildren, who have come from this person. The love and respect that people have for this man. He is a perfect embodiment of what a young boy would like to be and what a young girl want to marry. But of course, last but not least, your own father.

We always talk about the woman carry the baby in her womb. But what about the connection fathers have with their children. What about the fathers who understand their job is to prepare their sons for the world ahead. Or how about the girls who are going to most likely use her relationship she has with her father as a means to choose a guy for herself. And having these children as a father, you can learn so much from them. These children teach you how to be young again. Your sons interest themselves in your hobbies you onced loved as a young boy. And your daughters teach you how to love much more than you do now.

See, in the end, a father is more than just the initial process in the child birthing stages. They are important and pivotal all throughout the life of a child. And a kid or children raised with a strong father, it manifest itself in how they make decisions as they get older. Which is why you should involve yourself in their lives as much as possible. Because can you never get those times back not spent with them.


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PARENTAL DISDAIN: WHY SOME PARENTS DON’T LOVE THEIR CHILDREN

black-and-white, boy, child

“No love for someone that is apart of you: cold-blooded.”


To believe that there are parents who don’t love their children is a shocking reality. How could you not love something that you aided in bringing into this world? But believe it or not these type of parents do actually exist. And they don’t love that child for a number reasons. The reasons could be more directed at who the kid was procreated with or even the person’s refusal to love anything outside of themselves. Whatever the case may be, we have way too many children born to parents that don’t love them. But let’s go back to the procreation with the person. What is it about this person that makes you despise your kid.

A child is the combination of two parents, the mother and the father. That combination can make the parents love this child that much more or create a relationship that is built on dysfunction. There are men who walk out on their children because every time they look in the child’s face they see the mother. And there are mothers that see the father in the face of the kid and become immediately turned off. This usually happens when the child is the opposite sex of the parent. So for fathers, he see the mother in the daughter and the mother sees the father in the boy. But no matter how you feel about the parent, is your disdain that strong, where you are turned off by the sight of the kid? Sadly it’s true, the kid represents to the parent the constant reminder of their life’s mistakes.

But why should a kid suffer because of the poor decisions of two individuals? But this is not the only way children lose out. What about the parents who are more concerned with advancing their own lives? There are career oriented parents who would much rather focus on their personal accomplishments than to actually build a lasting relationship with their children. And when you love your personal accomplishments more than you do the sound of your own child’s voice it is seen as a form of neglect. So what should happen for those that are growing up in households where the parent’s have their own lives or inner disdains?

Sadly enough, there is no law that can remove a kid from a situation. If the kid has a home, food, clothes, and not physically being abused, there is nothing legally that can be done. Hopefully that kid grows and become a productive member of society. But too often there are children who are victims of this form of neglect that step into society and harm others. Whether they turn to a life of crime or repeat the cycle and become what their parents were to them. In the end, it’s always hurtful to see the neglected children of the world. They didn’t ask to come into this world. So when they are neglected they have to navigate this world alone. And at times they navigate and are unprepared for what is to come ahead. Hopefully they don’t fall, and if so not too hard as to not recover. Because no one should have to be dealt the hand some children are dealt in society.


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PARENTAL CONFIDENCE: MAKING YOUR KIDS THE BEST THEM THEY CAN BE

Image result for GOOD PARENTING

“Be great to them and they’ll be good to themselves.”


In my youth, my mother always wanted to instill in her children that we were capable of accomplishing anything in life. It allowed us to enter the world ready to pursue whatever endeavor we chose. Well, what was her technique; is there even one. Did she do anything with her children that any other parent wasn’t doing? Or was she doing something that every parent just does? Maybe it could have come from how she was raised. Or maybe it was a combination of how she was raised and her own spin to parenting. These are a few of the questions asked from people as it pertains to parents who seek to boost their children’s confidence.

One way parents boost confidence in their children is to go to work and come every day. That consistency makes children know they can not only depend on you, but also gives them a blue print in their own lives. Consistency is important because anything you perform long enough and work each time at, you’ll become great at it. Along with the consistency is informing your children they can be anything they set their minds to in life. But not just saying, showing it by not letting them give up. Letting them know failure happens in life, but to keep persevering.

Another way to boost that confidence in children is to place them in schools around good kids. Kids who are being taught to head in the same direction in life as your child. My entire life my mother placed my sisters and I in good schools. We were always around kids that thought about their futures. It gave you something to think about. The schools also were places where kids could thrive in their learning environments. So many other students in other schools were focused on peer pressure and impressing people around them. My mother put her kids in schools to challenge the ways of the crowd. But what other ways can parents build confidence.

A major way to build confidence is through the idea that confident parents confidently teach. Parents who are not afraid to step into the world themselves are in a position to raise confident kids. When children see you walk outside every morning with your head high they feel they can do the same. Doesn’t matter if you’re having a bad day. The idea is to let them see strength. Because once they see that you are unsure about something they will start to second guess themselves. See, in the end, there is a lot of psychology in parenting. The idea is to get them to believe they can do anything in life without even thinking about it. Rear them at a young age knowing that failure is not an option.


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LAVARTHERHOOD: WHY PEOPLE ARE SO UPSET OVER CONFIDENT PARENTING

Image result for LaVar Ball

“What’s the big deal?”


The above photograph is of a father who has three sons. One in college who is a rising NBA prospect and two other young sons highly ranked in high school. But them being ranked high is not the topic of discussion. The real discussion is how one should bring up their children in society. Lavar Ball has been in sports news recently because he admitted that he feels his son Lonzo Ball, a standout basketball player at UCLA and prospective NBA draft pick,  is better than current NBA star Stephen Curry. Sports reporters came from every outlet possible stating how much they disagree with his stance. But most of all, they are critical of how he has thrust himself into the spotlight. But the more I hear Lavar speak, the more something interesting comes to mind.

Lavar Ball was born and raised in South Central Los Angeles. For those of you who are unfamiliar with South Central Los Angeles, it has long been a community of gangs, crime, single parent households, and poverty. Coincidentally enough, the time period when Lavar was in high school, is when Crack Cocaine was first introduced to Los Angeles. Plenty of young Black males were getting involved in the drug trade, many Lavar’s age. Yet Lavar focused himself on sports. So much so, it granted him collegiate attention. And with the birth of his sons in his late twenties into his thirties, he began to instill that competitive edge he once had himself in sports. Well, what does any of this have to do with parenting?

Back to the area where Lavar is from in Los Angeles. South Central is a place where having both parents in the household is more of a luxury in life. So seeing a Black male in the lives of his sons given his background you would think it would mean something. Not so, well why? Because me personally, I think it’s great that a father instills the confidence to make them believe they can beat the best of the best. People are angry as if to say. “Who do you think you are, expecting so much from your sons!” But shouldn’t he expect more from them? Isn’t this what we should be doing as parents? I thought parents are supposed to feel their children are the best. Why is having excessive confidence in your child a bad thing?

What is a man like Lavar to do? Say, “Hey, of course he (Stephen Curry) can beat my son.” Or, “Hey I would say my son could play just fine.” You’re supposed to think your son can beat anyone, even the greats. Especially in a country where so few expectations are held for the young Black males. So to see a Black man pushing his sons in the right direction, shouldn’t this be encouraged? But also, weren’t all fathers like this decades ago? Every father pushed their kids, especially their sons. But we have become such a sensitive society, that Lavar is seen as problematic. If this were thirty plus years ago, no one would even care that Lavar had even made the statement.

You see, in the end, fathers are supposed to think the most of their children. You’re supposed to not only think your son can beat Curry, but can catch Kareem Abdul Jabbar as well (who currently holds the NBA record for most points in NBA history). But with confidence and pride comes criticism today. Winning has taken a backseat to losing or being equal in society. Mediocrity has become the new trend in America. Where the men and women in power want you to remain mundane, while they hold the majority of power. Remember Marianne Williamson, “When you let your own light shine, you will unconsciously give others permission to do the same.” “For when you are liberated from your own fears, you will automatically liberate others around you.”

ALL FOR YOU (SHORT STORY)

It is toward the end of the day, and a group of senior girls are sitting in class. They are conversing regarding prom, while also congratulating a friend of theirs on what is her 18th birthday today. The birthday girl is so happy that she is 18 years of age and going to prom this weekend. The PA system sounds and the birthday girl’s name is called in class. On the other end of the PA system is a man’s voice, it’s her father. He not only wants to tell her happy birthday, but he has another important message as well.

DAD: Hello sweetie, this is your father, and I wanted to wish you a happy 18th birthday. Now I know this might make you feel uncomfortable, but please bare with me. This message is not only to tell you happy birthday, but something much more. 8lbs to be exact is what you weighed when you were first born. Holding you in my arms, made me realize for the first time in my life I loved something more than myself. Your mother was so fatigued after you were born, so I held you as she slept. Eventually the doctor carried you away to an incubator. And being the loving father that I am, I followed behind.

Looking at you from the other side of that glass, I was fixated on everything that was my infant daughter. From the cap the doctor placed on your head to wrist band with your birthing information. From your heartbeat to the machine that recorded it. I still remember being told by the doctor how you would have to stay in the hospital for a few days. The first night, I slept overnight in the hospital. Your mother fast asleep in the hospital room bed and I was curled up in a chair. The slightest noise at the room door, caused me to pop up out of my sleep. I’m telling you baby girl, being a first time parent you don’t know what to expect.

As you know, you came home and it’s what would be the start of our family. From the first night I laid you in your bassinet, I couldn’t help but to leave your bedroom door cracked slightly open. Even with a baby monitor, I needed more assurance. Everything about you, made me proud to call you my daughter. Your first words, your first steps, your first day of school. Oh, God, that first day.  Watching you get on that school bus with those other children was so painful. For the first few years, your mother and I kept you so close, now we had to turn you over to the world of academia.

I still remember driving close behind the school bus. I just wanted to make sure you got to school safely. And you know what, this wasn’t the first time I followed close by. Remember the time you wanted to walk to school alone when you were in the second grade. I said sure sweetie, but I walked close by. No one was getting close to you because I was close by. I realized in that moment you were growing into your own much faster than I anticipated. And boy did you grow. Watching you grow over the years, those adolescent years came fast. The parties, the arguments, the dating; nothing a father was ready to deal with.

But it came and I dealt with it the best way I knew how. So here we are, celebrating your 18th birthday. From the moment you came home from the hospital, I watched you grow into a amazing young woman. Everything I do, everything I’ve ever done has been for you. You know it’s funny as a man raising a daughter you have so many fears. You’re never ready to hear, dad I met a guy. But with those fears came a whole new level of appreciation. You taught me so much: you taught me how to listen, you taught me how to care, but most of all, you taught me how to love.

And not the love I have for your mother, but the love that forced me to my knees when I witnessed you take your first steps as a baby. The love I felt when you participated in your first gymnastics competition. And the love I felt watching you receive that acceptance letter to the college of your choice.

I don’t want to take up too much of your time in class, but you must know how much I care. You know, when you’re young, you think your parents are nagging at you. But I only talk because I know the world you’re up against. I talk because anything you needed to know and still need to know I wanted you to come to me. I want to let you know that I can’t promise I’ll be on this earth everyday. But what I will promise is that as long as I am on this earth, I’ll always be around. Anytime you need me, I’ll never turn my back on you. We may disagree, even argue from time to time. But until my dying day, I am only a phone call away.

So for the rest of the day, enjoy. Keep me in your heart and mind because you are in mind. You may be 18 years old, but my love as a parent is eternal. No matter how old you get, you’re my child and I am your father. And for that, I am a better man because of it. Love you always, Dad.