COURTING: HOW RELATIONSHIP UNIONS HAVE CHANGED OVER TIME

Photography of Couple Holding Hands

“Where have we gone wrong?”


dating norms

In life, we all want to meet that right person. But in a society where so much has changed, how do you go about meeting that right one? Because dating is not what it used to be in the old days. There was a process one had to go through before you were able to date. And that process always by way of the man getting grilled.

You had to qualify yourself for a date with a woman before even actually really getting to know her, but her family. That’s right, mom and dad had to have the final say. And then you were able to go on that date. And don’t even think about asking for sex. You were lucky to get  peck on the cheek, if that much.

process of the past

When you look at the past the steps you had to go through as follows:

Introduction
  • When you were a guy interested in a woman in the distant past, you had to first introduce yourself to the girl’s parents. Mainly, you had to let the girl’s father see you. And that doesn’t mean a date, it just means you’re interested so he knows.
Parental Discussion
  • Here is the part where the girl’s parents sit her down and they have a discussion with her. Asking her questions regarding who the boy is, and where is he from. Sometimes the girl acted as if she didn’t know, but she knew. And that would lead to the next step.
Parental sit down
  • This is the part where the boy is sat down in the house and asked a series of questions. Who is your kin? Where do you live? What does his parents do for a living? What is his intentions?
Parental Permission
  • And finally you get a chance a to go on that date, but you first have to get it cleared as the guy with your family. And they have to assess if its ok as well.
Date Night
  • And finally, the date night. Which is not really a date night because it’s at a well lit place. Usually you’re eating at a diner where there are people who know your family. And there is a time restriction for how long you be out.

the new norm

The new ways in which we date have taken on new meaning. Now online dating is all the rage, and you don’t have to meet a woman’s family. You just have to approach and if she is with it then, what the hell, you guys date. Only problem is that women come in contact with more problem today because of the changes.

Whereas you had to meet dad in the past, that doesn’t exit today. But things always change and take on new meanings. And dating is no different; but what will inevitably come of all this change.


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TIL DEATH DO US PART, UH, NOT REALLY: WHY THIS PERFECT UNION IS SO HARD

Midsection of Woman Making Heart Shape With Hands

“Forever and ever; or maybe not.”


In our society, we are expected to meet one person in life. Fall in love with that person. Get wed, have children and live like that forever. But is that really who we are as people, or is that the image we portray. I always hear that this union is so perfect in the eyes of God. So what is it about this union that is so hard? Because when you observe the vowels you take, it should make marriage easy. I promise to honor and obey, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, til death to us part. Then we look each other in the eyes and say I do.

But in my opinion, marriage is so hard because you actually don’t want to do the vowels you promise to uphold. Meaning, the human element of who we are don’t want to obey someone, be with them if they are poor, not in good health, or til death. But why is that so hard to say? Why do we trick ourselves into believing this is a union that we want? Now, when you observe marriage, the structure of it makes sense. You’re with one person and one person only. It cuts down on a lot of confusion that would otherwise be present when you’re dealing with multiple people. Meaning, it is a lot easier to have three children with one woman, than three children with three women.

So the structure makes sense, but here is the biological piece. We don’t want to deal with the downside that comes with relationships. Why because the downside is not something that attracts us to the person. Meaning, we were attracted to the healthy person, so why would we want to stay in sickness. You had a job, I don’t want to be around now that you are broke and unemployed. And obeying you, what if there are things in my life I want to accomplish. I can’t do them if you are not comfortable with the decision. Oh, and not to mention til death, how do I know I want to be with you for life.

These are all the feelings that go through our minds when we are married or getting married. So why do we involve ourselves in the union? One reason is because of the societal views. We don’t want to be the outsider in the group who is not getting married. If we’re single and the people around us are getting married, then we begin to get uncomfortable. We feel like we are not living a just life, and need to fit into the group. So we don’t marry because we want to. Moreso we marry so that we can gain the approval of another person or people around us. We feel it is some sort of obligation to those outside of us. But what is another reason we marry?

The other reason we marry even though these feelings are there is because there is someone there to walk through life. You could go out trying to have random hook-ups, but random is not going to care for you as you age. Random is not going to be there for you financially in case of a setback, random is not going to listen to your grievances, and random won’t care if you’re living or dying. So knowing there is someone who will be by your side no matter what is calming to the mind. There are days you don’t want to be around that person and they around you. But they always are there when you need them.

In the end, people marry even if they hold these internal feelings because it hurts to walk life alone. Being alone with no one to share your life with is tough. It’s more than just a love life or having fun. They do so because at the end of life, if you and this person is still alive, someone will be there to care for you, when no one else will. So overall, to the people who marry, it’s worth it.


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TAKING THE PLUNGE: STRAYING FROM MONOGAMY FROM FEAR OF COMMITMENT

bible, book, golden ring

“No going to, yet really want to.”


Growing up, I was raised by a single parent, yet I went to school with people who were in two parent households. My community, just like my home life was made of single parents. And there are so many viewpoints as it pertains to why this exist. Views that extend itself to social responsibility, all the way to people who would rather be co-parents than a spouse. But why would someone choose to be a parent yet exclude the spousal aspect out of the relationship? Could it be the social responsibility, or maybe something else. Maybe it’s this ingrained fear that we have in society. The fear of not only rising to the occasion, but something else.

Could it be that people have this fear of putting all their hard work into something and it not working out. No one wants to put twenty plus years into a relationship and then end it. That is a large chunk of your life that is gone. You could have easily focused on your own life, and been in another space and time. People don’t want to live with that regret of wasting their lives. Because can you imagine living until the end of your life, then realizing it meant nothing. That is a tough pill to swallow, a pill which most can’t take in. So, what do so many people do, they stay single. And choose to be a co-parent with someone else. But are there other aspects of why people don’t marry.

Another aspect is that they might not have been raised in an environment where marriage is this important feat to attain. Why get married when you might be raised to focus on you and your future endeavors. Marriage is such hard work and whose to say it will last anyways. I mean, the divorce rates are so high after only a short period of time anyways. So, those that refrain from marriage could have people around them, mainly in their families keeping them from jumping the broom. Not everyone is raised with the same set of values. So what you want is not necessarily what someone else was raised to want out of life. But, I can still name another reason why people have this fear of commitment. And it has to do with infidelity.

No man nor woman want to put all their time and energy into someone and fear being betrayed by the other person. You are playing your part, yet they have another life outside the relationship. So that vulnerability in the relationship make most second guess. And what’s interesting, you would think that this is a sentiment of most women. Yet there are a lot of men who feel this same way. Only men are raised or pretend to be stoic, so they don’t come off as too emotional regarding the matter. So at times, we’ll make up excuses as to why we don’t want to commit. In reality we don’t want to deal with the hurt. Because as tough as we act, we are just as sensitive as women at times.

In the end, marriage is a topic that most don’t want to discuss. And the reason because it’s so final. The finality of this for life, and it’s the only finality that exist in a human’s life outside of death. Then again, on a biological level, it’s not the most natural way to live. Yet more so a human construct to keep families together and keep down confusion. And for the most part it works, but as much as it works, you’ll always have the demographic that disagree regarding the union.


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FOR LOVE OR FOR PAPERWORK: WHY WOMEN REALLY WANT A HUSBAND

Image result for marriage women

“It’s either I do, or I won’t continue.”


Women have always sought out to be wives. Even as young girls they are raised to find themselves a husband. They’re taught that you’re short changing yourself by settling for dating. But the things that women want pertaining to marriage are basic. So basic, do you really need marriage. Or was marriage designed and asked for, for different reasons other than the love. Because love is something you have which brought you to the marriage. There isn’t anymore, the love you have is the love you have. You’re not biologically this new person after you marry that you weren’t when you were not married. So what is it that you become? Can’t be about responsibility because you must be responsible prior to the marriage.

Marriage is the paperwork, not the love. What do I mean by the paperwork? Well, let’s first look at what marriage is in the first place. Marriage is the contractual obligation of bringing together of finances to assess if the relationship will last for the long term. Meaning, laying claims to assets in the case the relationship does not pan out. Which is a huge indicator into why women so desperately want to marry instead of dating. Women say it’s love or in the eyes of God, but it’s really in the event something happens to the man she can continue to live after he is gone. Now when I say live I don’t mean she is unemployed and he is the breadwinner. Even if she has a career along with him, her one income can not sustain the life of both when he was alive.

All of this makes sense considering woman would have to go through someone else if the man gets sick or dies. And what do I mean by going through someone else. I mean that if you and a man are not married you not considered in a lot of places next of kin; especially if he has siblings and/or parents alive. You may be put into a situation that they are able to dictate to you in the event something happens to him. You’re concerned with moving forward, while they are more concerned with a new man replacing their son or sibling. It could actually wind-up stalling your further progress in your own life.

So in the end, why don’t women just say what the real reason they want marriage is for; shame, that’s why. We shame women in society for being real in their intentions. We call them gold diggers for expressing what they want to marry for, a comfortable lifestyle. So they say love and compassion, yet you don’t need to marry for those reasons. We stigmatize them so much that they must now recontextualize what they want to fit into our male dynamics to make us happy. It’s why women make excuses of, “He may not have this and this, but he has this.” They lie about what they want because they don’t want to be judged on the truth. Yet they negatively effect our lives by manifesting what they lie about because they feel a moral obligation to please us in a male dominated environment.