TIL DEATH DO US PART, UH, NOT REALLY: WHY THIS PERFECT UNION IS SO HARD

Midsection of Woman Making Heart Shape With Hands

“Forever and ever; or maybe not.”


In our society, we are expected to meet one person in life. Fall in love with that person. Get wed, have children and live like that forever. But is that really who we are as people, or is that the image we portray. I always hear that this union is so perfect in the eyes of God. So what is it about this union that is so hard? Because when you observe the vowels you take, it should make marriage easy. I promise to honor and obey, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, til death to us part. Then we look each other in the eyes and say I do.

But in my opinion, marriage is so hard because you actually don’t want to do the vowels you promise to uphold. Meaning, the human element of who we are don’t want to obey someone, be with them if they are poor, not in good health, or til death. But why is that so hard to say? Why do we trick ourselves into believing this is a union that we want? Now, when you observe marriage, the structure of it makes sense. You’re with one person and one person only. It cuts down on a lot of confusion that would otherwise be present when you’re dealing with multiple people. Meaning, it is a lot easier to have three children with one woman, than three children with three women.

So the structure makes sense, but here is the biological piece. We don’t want to deal with the downside that comes with relationships. Why because the downside is not something that attracts us to the person. Meaning, we were attracted to the healthy person, so why would we want to stay in sickness. You had a job, I don’t want to be around now that you are broke and unemployed. And obeying you, what if there are things in my life I want to accomplish. I can’t do them if you are not comfortable with the decision. Oh, and not to mention til death, how do I know I want to be with you for life.

These are all the feelings that go through our minds when we are married or getting married. So why do we involve ourselves in the union? One reason is because of the societal views. We don’t want to be the outsider in the group who is not getting married. If we’re single and the people around us are getting married, then we begin to get uncomfortable. We feel like we are not living a just life, and need to fit into the group. So we don’t marry because we want to. Moreso we marry so that we can gain the approval of another person or people around us. We feel it is some sort of obligation to those outside of us. But what is another reason we marry?

The other reason we marry even though these feelings are there is because there is someone there to walk through life. You could go out trying to have random hook-ups, but random is not going to care for you as you age. Random is not going to be there for you financially in case of a setback, random is not going to listen to your grievances, and random won’t care if you’re living or dying. So knowing there is someone who will be by your side no matter what is calming to the mind. There are days you don’t want to be around that person and they around you. But they always are there when you need them.

In the end, people marry even if they hold these internal feelings because it hurts to walk life alone. Being alone with no one to share your life with is tough. It’s more than just a love life or having fun. They do so because at the end of life, if you and this person is still alive, someone will be there to care for you, when no one else will. So overall, to the people who marry, it’s worth it.


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MARITAL WOES: WHY IT’S TOUGH TO KEEP IT WORKING

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“It should be easy, why not?”


I’ve heard throughout my entire life that marriage is a hard union to maintain. And that it will take a lifetime of work for you to really appreciate the person that you are with. But then I started to think about the union for a while. With the vows you take, shouldn’t marriage be an easy task to fulfill. It says to love, honor, and obey. Yet people still say that the union is hard. Is it really hard, or could it be that monogamy is not natural. Could it be that we really have other feelings and push them down in the name of societal norms. Well, let’s observe this for a minute.

To love, honor, and obey is difficult when you are not with a person you thought you would be with. We all have this person in mind that we want to be married to; this idealistic view. Then we meet someone and all of that changes. So here we are with this person, yet part of us resent. Why is it so hard to have this conversation? It’s hard because no one wants to admit that they resent something about the person they are with. You love this person, and can’t figure out why there is this internal feeling of disdain. It lies there deep inside of us because on one hand we have the societal way in which we are supposed to live. Then on the other hand, we have the nature us that is different from the societal us.

And that nature us creates other conflicts that make marriage hard as well. Because another natural reaction is that we don’t want to be around the same person for the rest of our lives. That is something which can take years to get used to. Some people can do it with ease, others struggle. Why do some struggle, it has to do with more nature. It’s normal to want your own life and space, but what about marriage and children. You sacrifice so much of yourself, especially when the kids come into play. So you feel a part of you is lost and now you want out to some extent. And that brings us to the next reason marriage is hard, the kids.

Once those kids enter the equation you have less time for you and him and more dedicated to the kids. Not to mention you are now neglecting yourself. For the most part, women have a different reaction when kids come into the equation because women carry children. But men start to feel like we are losing something as well. It can take some people time to realize they might not be losing something, but gaining something more. Then you have the parents that can’t wait to their kids are old enough to have their own lives. This way, they can be themselves again.

In the end, that’s what it boils down to; nature versus societal norms. Society wants and expects us to have a certain type of marriage. But there is no real way to maintain and make it work. You should be making up your own rules. Why are people living by this societal norm instead of what you like as a couple. And as long as people are not able to address the reasons for their marital hardships, we’ll always have issues concerning marriage leading to divorce.


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S*** OR GET OFF THE POT: WHY WOMEN WANT MARRIAGE

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“Why are women so hard up about getting married?”

“We’ve been together for quite some time now.” “Where is this relationship going?” Guys who have been in relationships know this language all too well. But what is it? What is it about women who want to be married so badly. They say it’s about love and commitment, but is it really? Let’s break down some of those reasons as to why. And when I say the reasons I mean: love, commitment, children, outside pressure, and finances.  So let’s analyze these reasons. Breaking them down one by one is a good start to understand why men are pressured for marriage.

Love; now the first thing you’re thinking as a guy is why. Why must love be the result of a legal binding document? That’s what it is to us. Why is marriage more of a showing of love than just dating? Love is a deep feeling of some sort of affection. So what love is deeper than a lifetime commitment to someone. Maybe to women dating is just a simple gesture of affection that is the start to something more. But is it more than just love. What about other factors that play into women wanting men to marry.

Commitment is another reason women look at marriage the way that they do. It’s almost as if dating is seen as still being single, something trivial. As a matter of fact bachelor and bachelorette are supposed to be celebrations as your last night as a free man and women before you’re off the market. But weren’t you off the market for the time you were together up to this point? Then again if you cheat then it’s considered going outside the relationship. So to avoid anymore confusion marriage is that thing that makes it truly official. Well what are the other reasons that women are so adamant about getting married.

The wanting of children is another reason. Now as a guy we know that you don’t need marriage to have children. Well biologically you don’t, but when it comes to raising this child, marriage is seen as more of a stable environment. But then again, if a child is raised in the house with both their parents why do you need marriage. They come home to both parents, raised by both, see their parents love each other, so what is the purpose of marriage. It just seems that you can obviously have one and not the other.

Then, there are the outside influences such as friends and family. Men are less likely to care about what these outside forces may think about the relationship. But if women see other women close to them getting married, they will apply more pressure to the guy. Then again, a lot of them (outside influences) might not even be married, so why feel the pressure. I guess women don’t like how it looks. The look of things might be too much to bare for them.

In the end, I think for the most part all of the above are possible, but the main reasons have to do with finances. It’s not just the pooling together of finances. I think that when you’re married if he is sick or dies, you can’t lie claim to anything in the event something happens. You can if you’re his wife. But the other reason is more historical. Women throughout history were with guys, most married, and if the man left she was left herself high and dry. So women ask for a lot of the above things, but there is only one that can’t be achieved without marriage, financial claiming of assets. A tough topic to talk because as much as he doesn’t want to loss it, she want to gain it.