GOING TO A DARK PLACE: WHEN THE PAIN STARTS TO TAKE A TURN FOR THE WORSE

adult, african american man, angry

“Rage from racism.”


a transfer of hurt

What happens when you come from a group of people that have dealt with such trauma now you’re in that nasty head space. Whenever I look into the eyes of some of my people, I can’t help but to see the flying debris in their eyes. It scares me to know that deep down inside, some of us have transitioned into that space of hate. And not just the I wish something bad would happen to you space. But the space of I want anyone who even looks like the person who hurt to feel the same level of pain I feel.

deep and dark

“I wish this person would feel________.” And that is the point at which we have lost that sense of humanity. And where does it come from? I have gone into a dark place a few times after watching videos of police shootings. Not even knowing the circumstance of the case, you instantly think of the worse things imaginable. Everything from the person being fired to someone harming their children. And then after that feel there is subsiding feeling soon after. That’s when you’ve hit the deep end. Once you now feel satisfied with others who have no attachment being hurt, you are in that dark space. And how does it creep into the mind? Why does it last for so long? What is with that creepy satisfaction?

psychology of hurt

I am driving in a car, and a cop pulls me over. I am slammed on the hood and people without knowing what happened says good job. Then I say to myself, fine if that’s what it’s about maybe I should dole it out someone anyone. Trying to go into the psychology of people angry or hurt especially in racial situations is tough. Not just because of the history behind it, but that fact that we are not as honest as we make ourselves out to be. We are not a gut out of mouth society, so we can’t fully get to just of a real feeling behind emotion. But where in the brain do we instantly go to a place of rage in these situations. It comes from held in anger and then released at certain moments.


My Personal Website: www.faheemjackson.squarespace.com

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INTERRACIAL DECISION MAKING: WHY I HAVE NEVER DATED OUTSIDE MY ETHNICITY

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“Such a difficult decision.”


interracial 

Within my life, I have ever dated outside my ethnicity. Not that I don’t find anyone attractive, it’s more than just that. It’s a social aspect of living in America. Living i this country long enough, you realize there is a stigma with being in a relationship with a Black male. So I never even held a real conversation with a woman of another group in years. So I guess you can say I live by the ways of society. But it’s just too much of a job to date. I just want to meet someone and date. Why is everything a subject of debate?

lonely evenings

If you are going to only date your own ethnicity, then be prepared for a lot of lonely nights. Because you may be single for a very long time. Depending on what you want that cut of meat most likely is not available. Or, if you do meet someone in you group, it’s not in the right space and time for you to be in a relationship. But the life I am living is more conducive to women than men. Yet I am not holding out for a specific ethnicity. More so I am not able to deal with the hardships of interracial.

off limits

Remember I said earlier about Black men and stigma. Well, this notion that we are not to be spoken is a real sentiment. So, even in a space where the woman may come from an excepting household, it still is a bigger issue. That probably is a reason why I have been so single for so long. When you are only dating one type of person, that can be a very limiting selection situation. But still, females are told from other groups not to date us, so it’s hard to ignore.

playing life safe

When you play life safe, you will never know what else is out there. But for me, I still have that fear of coming in contact with what so many have to deal with, It’s depressing because you see people you like, who may like you, but the fear lingers. I don’t want to be the reason someone choose me, and it doesn’t work out. Then they lost everything around them for nothing.


My Personal Website: www.faheemjackson.squarespace.com

Instagram Me: @theefaheemjackson

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GUILTY NO MATTER WHAT: ARE BLACK MEN EVER GIVEN THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

african american guy, african american man, black guy

“Why do good?”


born black

As a young Black male, I grew up in the Midwest. Watching a lot of things take place around me, there was something I saw that I rarely talked about until I became and adult. And that is that there is never a real due process for Black males. You are guilty no matter what and if you are innocent the court system got it wrong. And it makes you wonder, what the hell is the purpose of being good, if everyone still thinks you’re bad.  And there are so many places to start when I say still looked at as bad.

court systems

Guilty, “Good, the system did what it was supposed to do.” Innocent, “How the hell did the court get this one wrong.” And you think to yourself, what is driving the idea that it’s always a guilty. And with that, you almost think what’s the purpose of even going to a trial. You already know the outcome. I think that’s why O.J. Simpson’s case was so big at the time. It was because this Black man was found not guilty, even though inevitably people on both sides eventually would think of him as guilty. The country was split, so split, people went as far as not speaking to anyone who believed in the other side.

relationships

When it comes to dating, we are seen as these attractive men outside of Black women almost behind closed doors. But the moment it’s publicly outside of that, then things get a little uncomfortable. But in all, we still have this aspect of guilt that lingers over our heads. That look, the look that is given to you when someone feels you have committed a crime or done something else wrong. So you stand still, trying to piece together what is is that you have done, if anything.

real or fake

Is what I have been saying a reality, or just a stretch. The above feelings are sentiments that so many Black males feel. Now, do I feel this way on a daily basis no. I have never felt like a bad guy dating or in society. But I guess everyone’s reality is different than my own.


My Personal Website: www.faheemjackson.squarespace.com

Instagram Me: @theefaheemjackson

Twitter Me: @2320howe

Medium.com/@faheemjackson

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