TIL DEATH DO US PART, UH, NOT REALLY: WHY THIS PERFECT UNION IS SO HARD

Midsection of Woman Making Heart Shape With Hands

“Forever and ever; or maybe not.”


In our society, we are expected to meet one person in life. Fall in love with that person. Get wed, have children and live like that forever. But is that really who we are as people, or is that the image we portray. I always hear that this union is so perfect in the eyes of God. So what is it about this union that is so hard? Because when you observe the vowels you take, it should make marriage easy. I promise to honor and obey, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, til death to us part. Then we look each other in the eyes and say I do.

But in my opinion, marriage is so hard because you actually don’t want to do the vowels you promise to uphold. Meaning, the human element of who we are don’t want to obey someone, be with them if they are poor, not in good health, or til death. But why is that so hard to say? Why do we trick ourselves into believing this is a union that we want? Now, when you observe marriage, the structure of it makes sense. You’re with one person and one person only. It cuts down on a lot of confusion that would otherwise be present when you’re dealing with multiple people. Meaning, it is a lot easier to have three children with one woman, than three children with three women.

So the structure makes sense, but here is the biological piece. We don’t want to deal with the downside that comes with relationships. Why because the downside is not something that attracts us to the person. Meaning, we were attracted to the healthy person, so why would we want to stay in sickness. You had a job, I don’t want to be around now that you are broke and unemployed. And obeying you, what if there are things in my life I want to accomplish. I can’t do them if you are not comfortable with the decision. Oh, and not to mention til death, how do I know I want to be with you for life.

These are all the feelings that go through our minds when we are married or getting married. So why do we involve ourselves in the union? One reason is because of the societal views. We don’t want to be the outsider in the group who is not getting married. If we’re single and the people around us are getting married, then we begin to get uncomfortable. We feel like we are not living a just life, and need to fit into the group. So we don’t marry because we want to. Moreso we marry so that we can gain the approval of another person or people around us. We feel it is some sort of obligation to those outside of us. But what is another reason we marry?

The other reason we marry even though these feelings are there is because there is someone there to walk through life. You could go out trying to have random hook-ups, but random is not going to care for you as you age. Random is not going to be there for you financially in case of a setback, random is not going to listen to your grievances, and random won’t care if you’re living or dying. So knowing there is someone who will be by your side no matter what is calming to the mind. There are days you don’t want to be around that person and they around you. But they always are there when you need them.

In the end, people marry even if they hold these internal feelings because it hurts to walk life alone. Being alone with no one to share your life with is tough. It’s more than just a love life or having fun. They do so because at the end of life, if you and this person is still alive, someone will be there to care for you, when no one else will. So overall, to the people who marry, it’s worth it.


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MARITAL WOES: WHY IT’S TOUGH TO KEEP IT WORKING

Printer Paper Cut With Orange Scissor

“It should be easy, why not?”


I’ve heard throughout my entire life that marriage is a hard union to maintain. And that it will take a lifetime of work for you to really appreciate the person that you are with. But then I started to think about the union for a while. With the vows you take, shouldn’t marriage be an easy task to fulfill. It says to love, honor, and obey. Yet people still say that the union is hard. Is it really hard, or could it be that monogamy is not natural. Could it be that we really have other feelings and push them down in the name of societal norms. Well, let’s observe this for a minute.

To love, honor, and obey is difficult when you are not with a person you thought you would be with. We all have this person in mind that we want to be married to; this idealistic view. Then we meet someone and all of that changes. So here we are with this person, yet part of us resent. Why is it so hard to have this conversation? It’s hard because no one wants to admit that they resent something about the person they are with. You love this person, and can’t figure out why there is this internal feeling of disdain. It lies there deep inside of us because on one hand we have the societal way in which we are supposed to live. Then on the other hand, we have the nature us that is different from the societal us.

And that nature us creates other conflicts that make marriage hard as well. Because another natural reaction is that we don’t want to be around the same person for the rest of our lives. That is something which can take years to get used to. Some people can do it with ease, others struggle. Why do some struggle, it has to do with more nature. It’s normal to want your own life and space, but what about marriage and children. You sacrifice so much of yourself, especially when the kids come into play. So you feel a part of you is lost and now you want out to some extent. And that brings us to the next reason marriage is hard, the kids.

Once those kids enter the equation you have less time for you and him and more dedicated to the kids. Not to mention you are now neglecting yourself. For the most part, women have a different reaction when kids come into the equation because women carry children. But men start to feel like we are losing something as well. It can take some people time to realize they might not be losing something, but gaining something more. Then you have the parents that can’t wait to their kids are old enough to have their own lives. This way, they can be themselves again.

In the end, that’s what it boils down to; nature versus societal norms. Society wants and expects us to have a certain type of marriage. But there is no real way to maintain and make it work. You should be making up your own rules. Why are people living by this societal norm instead of what you like as a couple. And as long as people are not able to address the reasons for their marital hardships, we’ll always have issues concerning marriage leading to divorce.


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FOR LOVE OR FOR PAPERWORK: WHY WOMEN REALLY WANT A HUSBAND

Image result for marriage women

“It’s either I do, or I won’t continue.”


Women have always sought out to be wives. Even as young girls they are raised to find themselves a husband. They’re taught that you’re short changing yourself by settling for dating. But the things that women want pertaining to marriage are basic. So basic, do you really need marriage. Or was marriage designed and asked for, for different reasons other than the love. Because love is something you have which brought you to the marriage. There isn’t anymore, the love you have is the love you have. You’re not biologically this new person after you marry that you weren’t when you were not married. So what is it that you become? Can’t be about responsibility because you must be responsible prior to the marriage.

Marriage is the paperwork, not the love. What do I mean by the paperwork? Well, let’s first look at what marriage is in the first place. Marriage is the contractual obligation of bringing together of finances to assess if the relationship will last for the long term. Meaning, laying claims to assets in the case the relationship does not pan out. Which is a huge indicator into why women so desperately want to marry instead of dating. Women say it’s love or in the eyes of God, but it’s really in the event something happens to the man she can continue to live after he is gone. Now when I say live I don’t mean she is unemployed and he is the breadwinner. Even if she has a career along with him, her one income can not sustain the life of both when he was alive.

All of this makes sense considering woman would have to go through someone else if the man gets sick or dies. And what do I mean by going through someone else. I mean that if you and a man are not married you not considered in a lot of places next of kin; especially if he has siblings and/or parents alive. You may be put into a situation that they are able to dictate to you in the event something happens to him. You’re concerned with moving forward, while they are more concerned with a new man replacing their son or sibling. It could actually wind-up stalling your further progress in your own life.

So in the end, why don’t women just say what the real reason they want marriage is for; shame, that’s why. We shame women in society for being real in their intentions. We call them gold diggers for expressing what they want to marry for, a comfortable lifestyle. So they say love and compassion, yet you don’t need to marry for those reasons. We stigmatize them so much that they must now recontextualize what they want to fit into our male dynamics to make us happy. It’s why women make excuses of, “He may not have this and this, but he has this.” They lie about what they want because they don’t want to be judged on the truth. Yet they negatively effect our lives by manifesting what they lie about because they feel a moral obligation to please us in a male dominated environment.

HOLY MATRIMONEY!

Standing in the front of the church, I observed as one of my closest friends is about to get married. As I stand with the other groomsmen, I gaze at their faces. We all bared the same blank look on our faces, while the women were all teary-eyed. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can tell you what came across my mind; glad it’s not me. I’m proud to say that I am a thirty year old man, with no kids, and not thinking about marriage anytime soon. As a matter of fact, I never want to get married. To me, it’s just a legal binding contract in which the man loses in the end. And when I say lose in the end, I mean financially. The divorce rate is what, 64, 65% after five years of marriage. That is way too high for me, especially when the guy has so much to lose.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the union and all, but not for me. The logic behind it just does not make sense to me. Think about it, the average person get married at what 26, 27 years old. Through this decision as a young man and woman you’re supposed to stay wed for the rest of your life. If you ask me it’s something fundamentally wrong with that picture. Why can’t men and women accept the fact that marriage or shall I say monogamy is not natural. And know what you’re saying, but just hear me out for a second.

Remind yourself of the vows you take at the alter. I promise to love, honor, and obey for as long as we both shall live. Given these very vows, shouldn’t marriage be easy. Most people will tell you that marriage is one of the hardest feats a human has to overcome. But given these vows, it should be easy, unless like I said before; it’s not natural. Look at my friend, as he stares his soon to be wife in the eyes. This man is on cloud nine, and little do he know what’s in store for him. I know one thing, I hope my buddy has a prenuptial agreement. I’m not trying to rain on the day, but divorce can be expensive. Especially with the career that my friends has; he has the most to lose.

His wife is a nice woman, but women don’t stay the same. She’s all loving now, until he says I do. Then before you know it, she’ll be packing on the pounds from childbirth and shoving her mouth full of desserts. All that money, poof, to the winds. I hate to keep going over it, but man. When my friend told me how much money he has in inheritance, all I could think was I hope you’re covered. Because as a man you are entitled to provide your wife with the lifestyle that she was accustomed to while you guys are married. Not only that, but your pension, she gets alimony, child support, as well as your future earnings. Hell, women say they have it bad.

All they talk about is this glass ceiling they have to overcome. Why don’t we change some of these marital laws and see how equal they fight to become then. It’s all good until a check need to be doled out. They’re so young and independent, yet in the case of divorce, they are so helpless. It’s accustomed to this and entitled to that; like a homeless bum with her hand out. See, the way I see, if I had it my way, a woman would only be entitled to ten percent every decade of marriage. You want half, then stay the course for fifty years. Anyone sticking it out fifty years deserves half. But no, women get in front of judges, and before you know, she has everything.

The house, the kids, the money, and a new man in a house you built. That’s why I don’t see myself getting married. And look at my other buddies standing up in the wedding. My friend to the right just got engaged, and my friend to the left is a newlywed. The other guys are in long term committed relationships. I am the lone wolf; or as they say the last of the mohicans. A mohican, what the hell is a mohican anyways; i’ve heard this term my whole life, never knowing what it means. Wait a minute, they’re a group of Native Americans. But why is it such a big deal to be the last of one of them?

Whatever, look at me getting all sidetracked. Instead of daydreaming about the American Indian, I should be focusing on how the hell I’m going to help my friend. God, if he only knew what he was getting himself in to, he would leave running out the back door. Look at his mother and father in the front row. Just crying away, you would think his dad would have talked some sense into him. I mean, this is his father’s second marriage. Knowing how marriage ends, you would think a father would give his son appropriate advice. But instead, he’s just grinning away.

Let’s not get started in the bride’s family. Her mother is balling her eyes out and the father is happy she’s finally with someone instead of bar hopping every weekend. Oh well, he’ll have to learn on his own. It’s not my problem, I would love to give him some advice, but he wouldn’t listen anyways. Look at him, deeply in love’ it’s so intoxicating. Wait a minute, here comes the part I hate most, the kiss. My friend kissing his wife as the crowd cheers with joy. Now I have to put on this fake smile as they begin to walk down the aisle. Next, here it comes, each bridesmaid and groomsmen must hold hands and walk down the aisle. I’m locked arms with some stranger who I never met, while people watch us exit out the church doors.

As the bridesmaids and groomsmen part ways, I noticed something. The woman who I was holding hands with seemed just as disinterested as me. We lock eyes and in that moment I felt a connection. Wow, I must be going crazy, am I really at a wedding expressing interest in a woman. I must be losing my mind because I have not dated girls since coming out in high school.

I Do Means I Don’t, I Can’t, and I Won’t

Image result for wedding ring“The diminishing attraction of I do.”

Boy meets girl, girl says yes. Boy and girl start dating, boy and girl get really serious. Boy proposes, girl says yes, boy and girl get married. Boy says I do, girl says I do, boy and girl live happily ever after. This is the case for most people, or so most people think. Well I’m wondering how is this so, when the divorce rate in America has already surpassed 60%. We focus on the expectations of marriage, but what about the human element of marriage. Well, the human element; what is the human element?

When I say the human element, I mean is monogamy normal? Is it normal for someone to meet another person at a young age. They get married, stay together until the day they both or one past away. And even after the death of a spouse you’re sometimes expected to never marry again. It sounds like a great idea initially. I mean, you get to have a companion for the rest of your life. Whenever you’re sick there is someone there to care for you. You lose your job, there’s someone to aid in picking up the slack. Even a parent who can assist in the raising of a child so you’re doing the work alone.

What about more of the human aspects, the biological. Why when people say I do, it becomes I don’t, I can’t,  and I won’t? Why when marriage comes into play the consistency of the things you did before diminishes? I am not married, but from my basic understanding of the human species I have observed certain characteristics as to way relationships fall off. For starters, a reason as to why most fail is quite obvious, money.

When you meet in your 20’s it’s ok to have money woes. You live in a 400-500 square foot apartment. Hey, who cares, as long as you’re having a good time right. Wrong because with marriage comes even higher standards and expectations. That 400-500 square foot apartment must be upgraded to 2,000-3,000 square feet. That cute apartment in the city becomes a home in a suburb. That bicycle turns into a caravan or SUV. And that takeout becomes groceries each month. Why, well it’s because children typically come soon. Like that riddle, “First comes marriage, then comes a baby.”

Now you have yourself a home, with a mortgage payment. You have a child, car note, utilities, student loans, food, and medical bills. Then the problems start because the bills start stacking up. From the bills comes the arguments, then comes the sleeping in separate rooms. After that comes the separation, then divorce. Money just drains so much from you and compounds problems if you have money woes. But there are other issues such as attraction that ends marriages as well.

When you first meet someone you’re attracted, but marriage comes into play and attractions become second to the marriage. Like I said I am looking at the human element of what we are as people. Our human attractions toward someone comes from a desire. A desire to what the other person. Desire goes away because the thing that brought them together goes away. For instance, if I desire to buy a luxury vehicle, I’m attracted to having this car. Then once I buy the car the desire eventually goes away. People look at you at go wow, nice car, but to you it’s just a car. Desire leaves, why because you might need a paint job. Give your car a new look, so you look forward to driving the car.

Continuing a desire for something makes you want it. But the less desire conversely makes you not want it. Which brings me to the next reason marriages fail. You just know they’ll be there everyday, so hey why worry about missing out; they’ll be here tomorrow. In dating, you don’t know they’re going to be here tomorrow, savior the moment today. Taking for granted something is here today and tomorrow is something we all do. “Why call the person now, I’ll wait until they get home.” “Why keep myself looking good, I’m only with so and so.”

And there you have it, I’m not doing that, I can’t do that, I won’t do that. But in dating I’ll do it, I can, and I will. Human relationships diminish because we as people need to continue to desire something to continue to want it and work to keep it. What happens when Millennials turn 40 or 50 years of age? I just wonder what will come of my generation if it’s 60% today.