FED UP: WHY BLACK WOMEN HAVE CHOSEN TO BE WITH NON BLACK MEN

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“Slim options, forced to keep an open mind.”


Over the recent years, interracial dating and marriage have climbed in the African American community. And for the longest it was the men who were opting to date outside our ethnicity, but now it’s more women. So what has taken hold, is this just some coincidence, or is there another reason as to why? The answer is yes, from what I have noticed for the most part, there is a reason for this jump cross racial lines lately. And don’t get me wrong, interracial dating and marriage is nothing new in America, but I have seen the rise over time. And there are some clear indicators as to why these numbers have risen. Reasons for dating outside are due to environment in which you were raised or currently reside, options when choosing to date or marry, and off balanced numbers of Black women to men.

The first reason why Black women have chosen to date outside their ethnicity points to the environment where they grew up and/or live now. Black people who are generally raised in predominantly White communities tend to date within that given community. Not the least bit odd because you tend to marry in life what is within your immediate community. So if there are Black women who grew up in these White populated neighborhoods, they are more likely to marry White men. Or, if they are living in a community where these are the men around, this is who they most likely will gravitate toward. Which leads me into the other reason why Black women are now dating more outside their ethnicity; options.

And I don’t mean options as them expressing their options to date and marry. I’m referring to the availability of Black men for Black women to date. The most educated block of women in America are now Black women, while Black men sit at the bottom of society. So that in itself is enough to make so many Black women choose to be with men outside the community. Also within the options is the place at which Black women may be financially and socially versus where he might be at the moment. We have more and more Black professional women in the workforce, surrounded by predominantly White males in power positions. So if you’re a woman, you think to yourself, I would prefer someone in the same position as myself. But who do you date when everyone else is choosing within their ethnicity and you’re stuck single; you choose whoever comes along.

But when looking at why Black women are choosing to date outside their ethnicity, you look at the numbers alone and there are way more Black women than men. As matter of fact, millions more. And then when you factor into the equation that so many Black men are incarcerated, not in college, not going to college, not in the employment pool, in the employment pool, but barely surviving, then you can’t blame Black women for their choices. The numbers are so titled, that it’s almost as if you have to encourage interracial dating for Black women to have a chance. But in the end, could this just be in Black women’s heads because White women themselves are waiting, generally for a White male. Also is it always a conscious decision for Black women to date outside her ethnicity, or dating who approaches you. Whatever the case may be the numbers are still climbing, and Black women are becoming more and more open.


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MY SINGLE LIFE: UNDERSTANDING SELF IS KEY TO LIFE’S FULFILLMENT


Man Wearing Grey Shirt Standing on Elevated Surface

“Certain things never change.”


I have posted previous topics regarding being single and self-awareness. Only this topic aims at why I am the type of person who prefers to be single over being in a relationship. And it has a lot to do with aging and coming to an understanding that you feel a certain way and it may never change. Now don’t get me wrong, we as humans go through many transformations throughout our lives, but there are personality traits which will never change about you. And for me, being the aloof person who don’t quite want you around is a personality trait of mine that I feel is for the rest of my life. It’s something that I love most about myself, but there are the downsides of being as aloof as I am. The downside is that you can more than likely guarantee you’ll never find a successful relationship. And for most, they are able to stomach that reality.

And what do I mean by being as aloof as myself. Well, there is this amazing aspect that I found about life in coming home and not having to compromise with anybody for anything. Going to the refrigerator not having at ask what to eat or being on a schedule. That feeling when you walk in the house at 7:00 p.m. or 12:00 a.m., and it not being a discussion is paramount. I shouldn’t have to explain where I’ve been, I just want to sleep. And that’s when it sinks in, “Buddy, you need to be single.” You think to yourself, “Really.” Well, yes, you should remain single if you are the type of person that I am in life. The problem is, is that most people don’t stay single. They want someone to accept their personality, but that’s just not realistic. Because a relationship is about compromise, not doing things you genuinely want to do. That’s when I get that not interested feeling in my stomach.

At first, it is something that is depressing, but you know your mind better than anyone. You know deep down inside why, but it hurts. But for me, at age 30 years old, I say to myself, “Oh, ok, this is what this is.” The “oh” is coming to realization that you mean I have to do what to date or be in a relationship. That is why I never have been in one. I have to speak to your friends, or get to know your family members. What the hell for, can’t I just be with you, and not have to be in their presence. Then you pause and say, “Yeah, maybe being me is a risk.” Because in the end, you have to have a non-negotiable list. The things you will deal with and not deal with in life. And my list is I should not have to speak to friends or family I don’t want to talk to or may not like; I should not have to do relationship people things like be around other couples; and I should not have to consult with you before doing anything. And those top three will keep you single. But I love the me that I am. And coming through adulthood I have become happier and more aware; and that’s what’s important.


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Nothing Personal, Just Busyness

Great view of the New York City (NYC) skyline with a few high buildings and sun in the background.

“Feeling the New York City rush is rough.”


The month was August, and I was new to New York City. Up until this point, my only insight into Manhattan was the idea of what I thought I knew. My first experience of the big city was walking through the revolving glass doors into the Time Warner building located in Columbus Circle. With my exceptional Midwest courtesy, I figured I’d mosey my way through the doors. A tall gentleman about six feet five in height and rather stocky, barged in front of me. Thinking back to this instance, the experience made me highly upset. Who does that? Who muscles their way into a building without acknowledging the patron entering first? He gave me a slight smirk, as he turned his back to me. Once inside the building, I saw the sign which read, “Whole Foods.” The escalator led downstairs into the grocery store. The whole time on the escalator, all I could think about was how rude this guy was for pushing his way into the building. But then I realized, it wasn’t personal, just the busy movement of the city.

As I ascended on Whole Foods, the grocery store consisted of a plethora of selections. The prices were out of my range of affordability, coming from Southeastern Wisconsin, but I chose to purchase lunch nonetheless. Choosing from the variety of hot dishes, I waited patiently for the patrons to scoop their food into containers. I quickly learned my kindness was a weakness, as one-by-one people walked ahead of me. Wow, how could you not see me standing here? You saw me allow the lady to go first, being the gentleman that I am. Now be courteous to me, and allow me to retrieve my meal. Yet no one even made eye contact with me as they forged ahead. Once again, it was a feeling of nothing personal, just in a hurry. Eventually, I was able to choose my meal, and walked to the queuing system, which was colored coded to maintain order. This system was fair yet lengthy, as the television screen showed my color and register available. After paying for my $20 lunch, (yes, that’s right, for lunch, way more than I’m used to) I made my way out of the grocery store back into the Manhattan city streets.

Standing near the crosswalk, the light turned red. My attention shifted vertically as I became transfixed on the rich architectural structures. Next thing I knew, a wall of people came crashing from behind me, as well as in front of me. I felt as if I were caught in the middle of one of the occasional tornadoes I’ve experienced in small town Wisconsin. To keep from being a victim of the moving traffic, I crossed the street along with the pack. Once across the street, I thought to myself, “I’m pretty sure that light was red; who crosses on red?” No one acknowledged me, nor each other, as cars and bicyclist sped past who had the right away. But observing the scene, it was yet another case of, hey, nothing personal, just in a hurry.

Walking these mean streets, made me retreat to the underground. So I purchased my ticket from the metro machines in the subway system. Holding my single ticket, I walked through the turnstile and threw my ticket in the garbage. Standing near the yellow caution line, the train came barreling through the station. As the train came to a stop, I didn’t realized the barrage of people who emerged behind me. The train doors opened, feeling my body involuntarily move forward, I could tell it wasn’t all my bodily force. People were behind me, forging forward, for a chance at a spot on the train. I managed to get a seat, yet allowed an elderly woman the opportunity to rest her feet. She sat down, but there was no acknowledgement of me showing her courtesy. She sat down, without any regard for my kindness. The train ride left me flustered, as I rode the three train headed toward the Upper West Side, on my way home. Yet once again, none of the behavior was personal, just people getting where they had to go.

Once I got home, which at the time was a dorm room, I felt safe and secure. I had my television, my food, and my bed. The roommate was gone, and the room was all to myself. Contemplating about my first day experience in New York City, I thought to myself, “What a rude city?” At that moment, I turned to the local news. A fire broke out at a home in another borough, but the firefighting team risked their lives to extinguish it. Another story involved a car accident in which bystanders stepped in to assist the injured person. There was also a news story about how a child went missing from an elementary school, yet people quickly stepped in to find the missing child.

Then it dawned on me, New Yorkers are not any less compassionate than the rest of their fellow Americans; it’s just a busy city. I thought back to September 11, 2001, when citizens stepped in to help one another proceeding the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Towers, or even the helping hand from citizens to victims of Hurricane Sandy.
Complete strangers risked their own lives to save people they didn’t even know. Yet on any other day they might have walked passed these same individuals. It made me realize, it’s not because New Yorkers are rude or hateful; nothing personal, just busy. Busy with their jobs, busy caring for their children, busy in their marriages, busy in your personal lives. Don’t take it to heart because in the end, when faced with adversity and widespread disaster, the city is there for its fellow New Yorkers. 


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