LET ME UPGRADE YOU: WHAT IS DATING UP TO YOU

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“Come talk to me when you’re on my level.”


In an American society where commerce dictates so much of how we live and how we behave, how does this commerce relationship we have in this country effect our dating lives? For men, you know what you have to bring if you’re going to be living in this capitalistic based society. And as for women, you’re steady trying to find that guy who you see as your equal or above. But when you are a man in this country it can be a tougher go. You know you have to be in a certain place in your life by a certain time. Women can live with their parents and still demand from men the same things as a woman with her own form of success. With that said, what are the thoughts on dating up? Because dating up is more of a woman’s viewpoint, but for men only under certain circumstances.

Women have to date up; why well it’s simple. So many men are trying to get with you, whether to be in a relationship or just for sexual intercourse. So you have to more picky, and there is a lot more thought that goes into choosing a guy. And the prettier the woman, the harder it is for her to find a potential mate. Because the pool of men who want to be with you is even higher. Unlike men, who see this as an opportunity to date around because we have so many options, for women it can be harder because of so many options. So when a woman does choose a guy, he’s going to have to really step up, especially if she is a woman that’s used to guys at a certain level trying to talk to her. Now that does not necessarily translate into just finances, it’s that and more. But are there times when men have to upgrade as well. We, unlike women, don’t have to, but there are those that do.

When it’s time for men to upgrade, we have to do so when finances are involved. Because to us marriage is an investment that only we can lose for the most part financially. So when a man becomes financially successful, he becomes that pretty girl. And that’s when he starts to be extra selective with the women that he dates. He has to learn to sense out the very things that women have to sense out about men when choosing. Because just like with every man trying to get with a woman, so many women look at you as this total package. But not all of them are worthy, so you have to shuffle through the plethora of women like women do us. See, in the end, finding that person you feel is on the level you want them to be is important to so many. As a matter of fact, it is more important now than any other time period prior. But if finances is that one thing you’re trying to seek out alone as a woman it will be harder to find; jut like we as men can’t just chase a woman for aesthetics purposes only.


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MARITAL WOES: WHY IT’S TOUGH TO KEEP IT WORKING

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“It should be easy, why not?”


I’ve heard throughout my entire life that marriage is a hard union to maintain. And that it will take a lifetime of work for you to really appreciate the person that you are with. But then I started to think about the union for a while. With the vows you take, shouldn’t marriage be an easy task to fulfill. It says to love, honor, and obey. Yet people still say that the union is hard. Is it really hard, or could it be that monogamy is not natural. Could it be that we really have other feelings and push them down in the name of societal norms. Well, let’s observe this for a minute.

To love, honor, and obey is difficult when you are not with a person you thought you would be with. We all have this person in mind that we want to be married to; this idealistic view. Then we meet someone and all of that changes. So here we are with this person, yet part of us resent. Why is it so hard to have this conversation? It’s hard because no one wants to admit that they resent something about the person they are with. You love this person, and can’t figure out why there is this internal feeling of disdain. It lies there deep inside of us because on one hand we have the societal way in which we are supposed to live. Then on the other hand, we have the nature us that is different from the societal us.

And that nature us creates other conflicts that make marriage hard as well. Because another natural reaction is that we don’t want to be around the same person for the rest of our lives. That is something which can take years to get used to. Some people can do it with ease, others struggle. Why do some struggle, it has to do with more nature. It’s normal to want your own life and space, but what about marriage and children. You sacrifice so much of yourself, especially when the kids come into play. So you feel a part of you is lost and now you want out to some extent. And that brings us to the next reason marriage is hard, the kids.

Once those kids enter the equation you have less time for you and him and more dedicated to the kids. Not to mention you are now neglecting yourself. For the most part, women have a different reaction when kids come into the equation because women carry children. But men start to feel like we are losing something as well. It can take some people time to realize they might not be losing something, but gaining something more. Then you have the parents that can’t wait to their kids are old enough to have their own lives. This way, they can be themselves again.

In the end, that’s what it boils down to; nature versus societal norms. Society wants and expects us to have a certain type of marriage. But there is no real way to maintain and make it work. You should be making up your own rules. Why are people living by this societal norm instead of what you like as a couple. And as long as people are not able to address the reasons for their marital hardships, we’ll always have issues concerning marriage leading to divorce.


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HE-SECRETS AND SHE-CRETS: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN’T TELL YOUR SPOUSE

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“Have anything you can’t tell your significant others?”


Cell phones face down, no access to each other’s passwords on computers, as well as personal experiences the other does not know about you. Is there anything that is too personal to tell your spouse. In my opinion there is nothing you can’t tell them. But people say all the time that your spouse shouldn’t know everything. But I have always wanted to know, what are those things they shouldn’t know? It just seems odd that there is something you can’t talk about that you can’t tell someone you plan on being with forever. So let’s observe those things we possibly couldn’t talk about.

What about looking through your phone, is your phone off limits? This makes sense considering you don’t want your phone in the hands of just anybody. But your spouse is not just anybody. But there are things in your phone that may be open to interpretation that are not quite what they seem. Meaning, you might look into your spouse’s phone and see a text or email and interpret in a manner that is not what you think it is. You don’t want an argument to start over something so innocent. So keeping a secret about having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is tough to tell your spouse. Yet, are there any other reasons as to why you would keep something from a significant other?

Another secret that you might see as keeping from your spouse is certain health situations. This may sound odd to keep your medical information from a spouse. But if it’s not anything serious, maybe you don’t think your husband/wife need to know. This may ring true because you may tell them something that they become worried about. It is not worth worrying your spouse over something that is not that serious. But, are there any other reasons you may keep secrets from your spouse that you feel they should not know? Well, what about you taking money from the household?

Taking money from the household, really! Why are you taking money  from the household? Well, it depends upon why you’re taking money from the house. Not everything needs to be reported if it is in the best interest of the household. Interestingly enough, there are people that feel that house decisions need to be made with both you and the other person. Now, on the other hand, isn’t marriage about having to keep secrets. Shouldn’t everything be on the table? Why are we planning on being with each other for the rest of our lives, yet have all these secrets? So in my opinion, I have a different view on the most recent topics in this passage.

Let’s observe the phone being off limits. There are people whose phone will ring and yell at their spouse for answering the call. To me that’s odd that an argument would transpire over something so ridiculous. As far as the health situation, you should not keep health issues from your spouse. The reason to have disclosure for health is because your spouse takes over in the event something happens to you. So they should always be in the loop regarding your health issues. Now taking money from the household can be an issue because inside the house issues take place first. If you’re taking money from the house, then you should always inform your spouse. In house concerns are not taken care of, then money should  not be leaving the house.

In the end, there shouldn’t be anything you can’t discuss with your significant other. But people feel there are boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed, and the ones I outlined are a few. See it’s all about your communication with the person. You have to know the person you’re dealing with, so as long as you do, you should be ok.

AGE GAP: DATING SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR AGE RANGE.

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“How acceptable is age limits in relationships?”

You ever thought about dating someone who was out of your age range? Are you worried about how people will react? Are you worried the relationship won’t last? A lot of people have issues when it comes to age as it pertains to dating. But I think this could be because a few reasons: the age, income at the age, or the maturity at the age. On the other hand, there are some double standards when it comes to the genders. Society views it differently if a man dates out of range than women. But why is age alone such a problem?

The reason age could be a problem is because it’s pretty offsetting when a person says I am 40 years old how old are you. The person responds with, oh me I’m 25 years old. Then there are mixed emotions after that; well, depending on the gender. A 40 year old man dating a 25 year old woman is seen differently than 40 woman with 25 guy. Women who date older men make sense because the age she is ready to have children can be around the time he is ready. But on the other hand, 40 year old women are in more of a rush than a 24 year old guy.

This is when age based on maturity comes into play. When a man is younger dating older versus woman dating older, men mature slower. So women older have a harder time with a younger guy because it takes longer for him to grow. Now if he is 40 and she is 55 that’s fine, but if he is 25 and she 40 then it’s a different story. Now females dating older is not like men because she is more likely ready to settle down quicker than he. So a woman 25 to 30 could be looking for a husband and kids.

Well there is one more area and that is income and age. When a young man is younger than the woman and make less than a woman, it’s harder for the relationship to work. Because still in American society men are expected to play vital roles as a bread winner in the household. If the man is older and makes more than the woman she is applauded for finding herself a good man. On the flip side, men are considered irresponsible and women are considered enablers when he is younger and makes less.

In the end, the age seems as if it is important more so when the man is younger than the woman. We have certain standards in our society that we live by. Even though America is supposed to be this progressive place we still have these double standards. It has changed over the years, but for now it seems like we are going to keep things status quo.

HOLY MATRIMONEY!

Standing in the front of the church, I observed as one of my closest friends is about to get married. As I stand with the other groomsmen, I gaze at their faces. We all bared the same blank look on our faces, while the women were all teary-eyed. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can tell you what came across my mind; glad it’s not me. I’m proud to say that I am a thirty year old man, with no kids, and not thinking about marriage anytime soon. As a matter of fact, I never want to get married. To me, it’s just a legal binding contract in which the man loses in the end. And when I say lose in the end, I mean financially. The divorce rate is what, 64, 65% after five years of marriage. That is way too high for me, especially when the guy has so much to lose.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the union and all, but not for me. The logic behind it just does not make sense to me. Think about it, the average person get married at what 26, 27 years old. Through this decision as a young man and woman you’re supposed to stay wed for the rest of your life. If you ask me it’s something fundamentally wrong with that picture. Why can’t men and women accept the fact that marriage or shall I say monogamy is not natural. And know what you’re saying, but just hear me out for a second.

Remind yourself of the vows you take at the alter. I promise to love, honor, and obey for as long as we both shall live. Given these very vows, shouldn’t marriage be easy. Most people will tell you that marriage is one of the hardest feats a human has to overcome. But given these vows, it should be easy, unless like I said before; it’s not natural. Look at my friend, as he stares his soon to be wife in the eyes. This man is on cloud nine, and little do he know what’s in store for him. I know one thing, I hope my buddy has a prenuptial agreement. I’m not trying to rain on the day, but divorce can be expensive. Especially with the career that my friends has; he has the most to lose.

His wife is a nice woman, but women don’t stay the same. She’s all loving now, until he says I do. Then before you know it, she’ll be packing on the pounds from childbirth and shoving her mouth full of desserts. All that money, poof, to the winds. I hate to keep going over it, but man. When my friend told me how much money he has in inheritance, all I could think was I hope you’re covered. Because as a man you are entitled to provide your wife with the lifestyle that she was accustomed to while you guys are married. Not only that, but your pension, she gets alimony, child support, as well as your future earnings. Hell, women say they have it bad.

All they talk about is this glass ceiling they have to overcome. Why don’t we change some of these marital laws and see how equal they fight to become then. It’s all good until a check need to be doled out. They’re so young and independent, yet in the case of divorce, they are so helpless. It’s accustomed to this and entitled to that; like a homeless bum with her hand out. See, the way I see, if I had it my way, a woman would only be entitled to ten percent every decade of marriage. You want half, then stay the course for fifty years. Anyone sticking it out fifty years deserves half. But no, women get in front of judges, and before you know, she has everything.

The house, the kids, the money, and a new man in a house you built. That’s why I don’t see myself getting married. And look at my other buddies standing up in the wedding. My friend to the right just got engaged, and my friend to the left is a newlywed. The other guys are in long term committed relationships. I am the lone wolf; or as they say the last of the mohicans. A mohican, what the hell is a mohican anyways; i’ve heard this term my whole life, never knowing what it means. Wait a minute, they’re a group of Native Americans. But why is it such a big deal to be the last of one of them?

Whatever, look at me getting all sidetracked. Instead of daydreaming about the American Indian, I should be focusing on how the hell I’m going to help my friend. God, if he only knew what he was getting himself in to, he would leave running out the back door. Look at his mother and father in the front row. Just crying away, you would think his dad would have talked some sense into him. I mean, this is his father’s second marriage. Knowing how marriage ends, you would think a father would give his son appropriate advice. But instead, he’s just grinning away.

Let’s not get started in the bride’s family. Her mother is balling her eyes out and the father is happy she’s finally with someone instead of bar hopping every weekend. Oh well, he’ll have to learn on his own. It’s not my problem, I would love to give him some advice, but he wouldn’t listen anyways. Look at him, deeply in love’ it’s so intoxicating. Wait a minute, here comes the part I hate most, the kiss. My friend kissing his wife as the crowd cheers with joy. Now I have to put on this fake smile as they begin to walk down the aisle. Next, here it comes, each bridesmaid and groomsmen must hold hands and walk down the aisle. I’m locked arms with some stranger who I never met, while people watch us exit out the church doors.

As the bridesmaids and groomsmen part ways, I noticed something. The woman who I was holding hands with seemed just as disinterested as me. We lock eyes and in that moment I felt a connection. Wow, I must be going crazy, am I really at a wedding expressing interest in a woman. I must be losing my mind because I have not dated girls since coming out in high school.

HOLLA, WE WANT PRENUP! WE WANT PRENUP!

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“I love you, but can you sign something for me?”

How do you go about bringing this up to a spouse? “So sweetie, you I know love and want to spend the rest of my life with you.” “But before we go any further do you mind looking over some paperwork with me?” She replies, “Sure what is it a marital license, the mortgage for our new home, the will..” Then you interject, “No, the prenup (cough)! She says, “Hmm?” You say, “The prenuptial agreement.” And with a exclamatory reply she goes, “Prenup, what the hell for!”

GULP! What is the right way to introduce this into a relationship? How in one breathe do you speak love, then the next ask for signed documentation? Documentation which will protect your assets in the case of divorce. Well first you have to ask yourself why is such a document necessary for starters. It’s necessary because of the high divorce rates, that’s why.

In the United States today, the divorce is close to 65% after only 5 years of marriage. I don’t know about you, but knowing you may have to split assets with someone you’ve only been with for 5 years seems kind of unfair. If you were married for 25 years, or 30 years, or 40 years, then yes, but 5. The reason I say 25 years or more is because at least there was a long term investment into the relationship. The 5 year plan seems like more of a business exchange than a marriage.

And that is where the prenuptial agreement comes into play. Marriage has become an in and out business today in America. Meet someone whose financially stable, get your 5 years in, and see ya later. But if you’re a man without any money, than a woman has no interest. Now if you are a man of means, this could be somewhat of concern. So is the way to protecting yourself not succeeding and striving in life. Because think about, you work all these years and someone comes and goes, “I’m not happy.”

So what, my future should now be determined on if you’re happy or not. So if I am happy and you’re not, than I have to lose in life. So now you think to yourself, what’s the purpose in working hard in life. Why push if you’re not going to be able to reap the benefits of your labor? As a man, you work so that one day you can relax and enjoy the fruits of your hard work. But if you’re only working just to one day hand it all over why work at all. Divorce has become the reason to be a total loser.

Women say that it’s not fair, fine let’s flip it. As a woman, you make $100,000 a year, would you marry a $30,000 a year man. It’s hard to do so, why because even you know as a woman that is not a business smart decision. So if you’re not willing to give up anything you worked for, why are you so ready for us to do so? A woman goes, “You need to be at my level.” But how often do you go, “I need to be on his level.” It’s easy to talk love and marriage when you have a lot less to lose.

This is why when people who make a certain amount of income wed, they need to have these discussions. But asking your wife to sign a prenup when you are a construction worker, police officer, garbage truck driver, etc. can be tough. Her reply would be, “You don’t have anything to take.” “Why sign a prenup?” Well that’s where she’s wrong. These men in these job titles are the ones who need prenups the most. If you’re athlete with $50 million and your wife gets $20 – $25 million, then you’re still good. But if you make $35,000 and your wife gets $10,000 – $15,000, you could be in trouble financially.

Which brings me to the after affects of divorce. One of the leading indicators of poverty amongst men is divorce. Conversely the leading indicator of wealth amongst women is marriage. So now you can see why a prenuptial agreement conversation can be one of much debate. It’s still the come up of a woman in America, but the lose of wealth among men. Yet, marriage is not on the decline in this country.

Maybe marriage is still going strong, well getting married at least, because people want to believe. Everyone wants to believe those numbers will change with them. Everyone goes not my husband, not my wife. We have something special with each other. We have a bond that’s bigger than money. And that’s just it. We as humans know it can be a crap shoot, but want to believe that the person in our lives would never leave. Yet year after year, the divorce cases pile on the desk of attorneys.

It’s 65% today what, 80% in the future. No matter how you look at it, marriage is still a great union, but in today’s society we have no other option at times but to treat it as it is. A union whereas two people are pooling together finances to gauge how well this relationship will work. Which dwindles down to a business contract that is an investment into our future together.

SECRETS: How Much Do You Really Know About Your Spouse.

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“Are you hiding something?”

You meet someone, and you start dating. Before you know it, you’re moving in with this person. Eventually the topic of marriage comes up. But by this time, you should already know a lot about the person you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with; or not. My last post talked about people’s debt situation. But what about secrets someone is keeping. What about infidelity, hiding money, sicknesses, and/or internalized torment.

First let’s analyze infidelity in a relationship. Could your intimate relationship survive if you knew your significant other has cheated sometime during the relationship. Does it matter, even if the incident happened once? I think women are more apt to accept the cheating once than we are as men. You know what, on second thought, once, how about multiple times cheating. Yet there are still those women out there who say absolutely not. Not under any circumstance would she accept cheating.

Now, is that the worse secret one could keep from a marital partner. How about hiding money in a secret bank account or in the form of cash in a safe? How would you react to finding out this person had a secret stash? A rainy day stash just in case they needed to leave the relationship. This way they are financially set in the case you want to leave them hanging dry. It is kind of offsetting to find out someone has plan B.

You start to think in the back of your mind, “Am I not giving them enough?” “Maybe they’ve been planning on leaving me all along.” Dozens of questions go through your mind as to why someone would need an escape route out. But it’s not all about money or cheating. There have even been people that hide medical information from their spouse. This may be on par, if not worse than cheating. A sickness, especially something deadly could put the family in limbo.

You go to the doctor’s office and find out you’re having heart problems. Yet you never consult your spouse, but keep it to yourself. You die, and they never knew anything was wrong. Sounds quite selfish considering had that person have said something, preparations could have been made in the event of a tragedy. Then again, some things aren’t medical per say, but mental such as depression or stress.

The reason why I said medical per say is because depression and stress ( which can lead to depression) is not always a medical issue. Some people can work out their issues over time. But how comfortable are you to go to your spouse and say I’m depressed. It seems like a very uncomfortable experience. But shouldn’t you be able to go to your spouse and express yourself. Especially if you’re depressed. They should be the first person you talk to in these situations.

Yet on the other hand, personal torment can even be too great to tell a spouse. What if it’s not depression or stress, but gender identity. Imagine the upset if your spouse came to you opening up about their sexuality. Could you handle your husband or wife telling you they were gay or bisexual? I can see it now, “Hello dear, how has your day gone?” “Oh by they way I’m gay, can you pass the peas.” Or, “Sweetie, we need to talk.” “I think I’m bisexual.”

There is no real way to break the news to your spouse. Because any way you explain yourself is going to be the wrong way. So with all that has been said, can your relationship survive secrets. If so what secrets, and what is the severity of those secrets. In the end it all depends on the person and their threshold for what you are about to tell them.