MONOGAMOUSLY LONELY: WHAT’S KEEPING YOU OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

Midsection of Couple Holding Hands at Beach Against Sky

“We all have relationship fears.”


How many of you reading this post are single? Now how many of you are reading this post who are single and afraid of commitment? And that question is the question that so many people have to ask themselves. Not only so many people, me as well. I think that we are afraid of commitment because we don’t want to be cheated on, let others down, and our fears that someone is depending on us. Having to look outside of yourself to care for another human being is tough. And I don’t mean just being parent. Because you have some great parents who are bad boyfriend/girlfriends and spouses. So why is it so tough to commit?

Like I said above, one reason has to do with not wanting to have to deal with infidelity. No one wants to be cheated on because it’s such a deflating feeling. The feeling of not amounting up to the other person’s potential. Or the feeling that you are not as great as you thought you were. It’s those insecure feelings that make people possessive in relationships. And that Image result for infidelitypossessive nature might actually push a person away just as fast as the neglect. When in relationships, you have those self-conscious feelings and doubts about the other person. You’re so insecure at times, that you’ll create cheating scenarios in your head. Scenarios of what the other person might be doing, which prompts you to go snooping for answers. And trust and believe, you’ll find something, no matter how small.

Another reason people have a hard time committing is that you don’t want to be in a position to let others down. We have to meet certain expectations that when single you don’t have to meet. When single, you can be a little more lazy; kick up your feet and relax. When in relationships, you always have to have your A game on. So in the relationship, you have to work, Image result for commitmentalmost like being the popular kid in school. Work to get in, and work to stay in. And it’s a gig that does not monetarily pay. Can you image how successful relationships might be, if there was some type of monetary gain for remaining together? But then again, if you need money as a motivator, you probably don’t like the other person anyways.

But what about the last fear on my list; having someone depend on you to get something accomplished. When you’re single, you depend on you, now you have another person to work your schedule around. You now have to make sacrifices to your life, that you otherwise don’t have to make. It’s a Image result for dependenttough adjustment, especially for a guy like me whose used to being single. Now, let’s add another addition in the mix; a child. What happens if a child is produced in the relationship? Now the responsibility of another life is fully dependent upon you. There is no out once a kid comes into the household. So you are now forced to deal, not just for a few years, or even 18 years, but for life.

In the end, operating in a relationship is tough because it requires you to give up, take on, and accept so many things out of your control. You’re no longer belonging to you, but obligated to someone else. You have to now ask before you make a decision rather just making it. And if the other person is not comfortable, you may have to forgo the decision. That’s right, you compromise. One of the hardest decisions to make is to compromise. Giving up what you want, for the “potential” of success in this new situation.


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FRIEND ZONE: CAN YOU EVER GET OUT?

Image result for friend zone

“You like me: check yes, no, maybe so; or friend.”

Naw, I kinda look at you as just a friend, sorry. These are the words no one wants to hear, especially a guy. But how did it happen? How do you find yourself in this uncharted zone? You thought you were doing and saying all the right things to make yourself seem more attractive, so what happened? Maybe I was too nice, or maybe I was too mean. On second thought, maybe I was not nice enough, or maybe I was not mean enough. Well, what was it that brought me into the friend zone?

These are some the questions we ask ourselves for anyone that has been in this space known as the friend zone. Guys manage to get ourselves into the friend zone a variety of ways. One way is that we are interested in a female and never make the move to show interest. She become familiarized with us as more of a friend or develop a brotherly bond with us. Then once we do work up the courage to ask her out, she immediately place you into that zone or get skived-out that we like her. But wait, did she place you into the zone or did you put yourself into the friend zone.

A lot of guys start off by developing a friendship like a woman has with her friends. He never expresses how much he likes her initially. Like for instance, instead of just coming out and asking her on a date, he invites her a to kid cousin’s birthday party. Then once there she is introduced to the family as his friend. Or he’ll say let’s go grab some coffee from a diner and hang out. These are friendly exchanges, that are a lot different than just asking a woman to dinner outright.

Another means of placing yourself into the friend zone is to share certain common interest that she typically share with her girlfriends. For instance, you guys are both into the same chick flicks. I don’t know, call me crazy, but I don’t think too many women are interested in a guy if when they first meet he owns the DVD box set of Sex and the City. Not only owns the set, but follows plot lines and know all the characters. These are friendly common interest that she shares with her girlfriends.

So, knowing how some men may get in the zone, are there ways women become friends. Yes, as a matter of fact, women have been known to get in the friend zone. The reason why it’s fewer instances when women do is because it’s harder for guys to be friends with women unless we grew up together. Especially if we find her to be attractive. It’s natural for us to be into her, but as for women, they seem to be able to friend us easier than we are to friend them.

Now with that said, is there any way for a man to be brought out of the friend zone? Sure it is, but there is just one problem. If you start dating someone that you have deemed to be a friend and it does not work out, than it could effect your friendship. But some people say who better to date or marry than a friend, but it can get tricky. Because you never want to lose a good friend. So how do you approach dating someone that is a good friend. You have to assess if the relationship does not work out, then is it worth the friendship. Some friendships are not worth losing, so usually the friendship stays just that, a friendship.

So in the end, I will say, approach the situation from a non-friend position in the beginning. Don’t try to friend your way in because you don’t want to deal with rejection. Ask the person out and if they say no, keep going. But once you develop a friendship, it can be hard to get out of that position.

HOLLA, WE WANT PRENUP! WE WANT PRENUP!

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“I love you, but can you sign something for me?”

How do you go about bringing this up to a spouse? “So sweetie, you I know love and want to spend the rest of my life with you.” “But before we go any further do you mind looking over some paperwork with me?” She replies, “Sure what is it a marital license, the mortgage for our new home, the will..” Then you interject, “No, the prenup (cough)! She says, “Hmm?” You say, “The prenuptial agreement.” And with a exclamatory reply she goes, “Prenup, what the hell for!”

GULP! What is the right way to introduce this into a relationship? How in one breathe do you speak love, then the next ask for signed documentation? Documentation which will protect your assets in the case of divorce. Well first you have to ask yourself why is such a document necessary for starters. It’s necessary because of the high divorce rates, that’s why.

In the United States today, the divorce is close to 65% after only 5 years of marriage. I don’t know about you, but knowing you may have to split assets with someone you’ve only been with for 5 years seems kind of unfair. If you were married for 25 years, or 30 years, or 40 years, then yes, but 5. The reason I say 25 years or more is because at least there was a long term investment into the relationship. The 5 year plan seems like more of a business exchange than a marriage.

And that is where the prenuptial agreement comes into play. Marriage has become an in and out business today in America. Meet someone whose financially stable, get your 5 years in, and see ya later. But if you’re a man without any money, than a woman has no interest. Now if you are a man of means, this could be somewhat of concern. So is the way to protecting yourself not succeeding and striving in life. Because think about, you work all these years and someone comes and goes, “I’m not happy.”

So what, my future should now be determined on if you’re happy or not. So if I am happy and you’re not, than I have to lose in life. So now you think to yourself, what’s the purpose in working hard in life. Why push if you’re not going to be able to reap the benefits of your labor? As a man, you work so that one day you can relax and enjoy the fruits of your hard work. But if you’re only working just to one day hand it all over why work at all. Divorce has become the reason to be a total loser.

Women say that it’s not fair, fine let’s flip it. As a woman, you make $100,000 a year, would you marry a $30,000 a year man. It’s hard to do so, why because even you know as a woman that is not a business smart decision. So if you’re not willing to give up anything you worked for, why are you so ready for us to do so? A woman goes, “You need to be at my level.” But how often do you go, “I need to be on his level.” It’s easy to talk love and marriage when you have a lot less to lose.

This is why when people who make a certain amount of income wed, they need to have these discussions. But asking your wife to sign a prenup when you are a construction worker, police officer, garbage truck driver, etc. can be tough. Her reply would be, “You don’t have anything to take.” “Why sign a prenup?” Well that’s where she’s wrong. These men in these job titles are the ones who need prenups the most. If you’re athlete with $50 million and your wife gets $20 – $25 million, then you’re still good. But if you make $35,000 and your wife gets $10,000 – $15,000, you could be in trouble financially.

Which brings me to the after affects of divorce. One of the leading indicators of poverty amongst men is divorce. Conversely the leading indicator of wealth amongst women is marriage. So now you can see why a prenuptial agreement conversation can be one of much debate. It’s still the come up of a woman in America, but the lose of wealth among men. Yet, marriage is not on the decline in this country.

Maybe marriage is still going strong, well getting married at least, because people want to believe. Everyone wants to believe those numbers will change with them. Everyone goes not my husband, not my wife. We have something special with each other. We have a bond that’s bigger than money. And that’s just it. We as humans know it can be a crap shoot, but want to believe that the person in our lives would never leave. Yet year after year, the divorce cases pile on the desk of attorneys.

It’s 65% today what, 80% in the future. No matter how you look at it, marriage is still a great union, but in today’s society we have no other option at times but to treat it as it is. A union whereas two people are pooling together finances to gauge how well this relationship will work. Which dwindles down to a business contract that is an investment into our future together.