“Ever feel like the road to productivity is a destinationless journey?”

Writing my novel, short stories book, preproduction planning on my next short film; starting my podcast this year, and photography this year as well. Even with so much self generating work, I still don’t feel productive. I still feel behind in comparison to the world around me. Could it be because of the city where I live? Or could it mean that everyone is better than myself? You ever get the feeling like you’re fooling yourself? That maybe, just maybe you’re not as talented as you think you are. Maybe you see something in yourself that others can’t see or doesn’t exist at all. The doubt that you, that we all have at some point in life.

When I look around and see other guys my age, they seem more productive than myself. Full time careers, monogamous relationships, buying their first homes, and married. But I, myself live in a super tiny housing space. Working part-time, while I pursue my goal of screenwriting, filmmaking, theatre, and being an author. But I’m not beating myself up over it either. Then why do I feel this way. I’m depressed trying to fit in with my surroundings, yet feel like my surroundings are more productive than myself. I just always feel like I’m missing out on something that is greater than what I am doing.

The only thing is that when I am part of the group, so I don’t feel left out, I still feel like I’m missing something. The group themselves are not doing the most they could be doing with their time. For example, I work retail, and see managers who work full-time. I go, I could have been doing that. But then you overhear their conversations and find out they’re trying just as hard as you are in figuring out this thing called life as well. They have other outside interest that’s non daily employment related. So how do you overcome the fear.

And when I say fear, I mean the fear of being irrelevant. But, don’t confuse what I’m saying with social irrelevance, but internal irrelevance. Internally the feeling of doing more. A job only allows you so much room to express yourself. Then, they want control which can halt so much you actually have to offer. So how do you really spread your wings; how, by self generating. Easier said than done. Why, well that’s my path in life right now. I enjoy writing things, and conversing in ways that may cost you your job. How could that happen?

Well, we live in such a sensitive society that everything puts you in a position to lose at every turn. So me personally, I don’t converse with people walking the street. Nor do I associate myself with colleagues at work. So for me, trying to fit in wouldn’t work. I would be the aloof good guy like I am now. Because the moment I ask someone a question and they start to dance around the response, I typically shut down. So now I think to myself, “Am I still behind everyone?” Or better yet, “Am I ahead cognitively, yet success I’m behind.” And that to me is my biggest dilemma.

In the end, how do I ultimately move ahead in the direction I was meant to travel. And how long will that take to get there. We all have a place we would like to see ourselves in life. We don’t get there because some don’t have the talent, are unlucky, or lack motivation. Whatever the reason, for me it’s my awareness of knowing certain aspects of myself. I know that I don’t belong in the daily workplace, and I hate conformity without being able to challenge why I should conform.


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