LIFE ON HOLD: HAVE YOU HAD TO HOLD OFF ON YOUR DREAMS TO CARE FOR OTHERS

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“They had to come first.”


As a child to a single mother, I would always hear how she wanted to do so much in her life. But having children at such a young age, mixed with not having the support system she needed, she was unable to do so. Now in her 50’s, and no children to care for, she is embarking on more things she was never able to do when she was young. And that’s what brings me to the topic today. Have you ever had to put your dreams on hold for something or someone else. For my mother it was her three children, but for someone else it could be something different. We as people sacrifice so much of ourselves in the name of helping other people. A move which I do not plan on doing in my life because it derailed so much of what my own mother wanted to accomplish in life.

But it is really that easy to say? What if I became a parent, and now so much of what I wanted to do I couldn’t? Does that mean I have to completely give up everything? Well, yes and no at the same time. Because yes, you do have to give up a lot when you start having children. But I also think that is your obligation to make sure your children have someone that they can look up to as well. Meaning, your outlook on life will ultimately effect the way your children see the world. I have always been curious about the world that we live in because my mother has had such an open worldly viewpoint. We didn’t just watch a bunch of nonsense as children growing up in her household. We would go to the library, watch the History channel, Discovery Channel, and National Geographic. She would open us up to new things and people different than ourselves.

So for me, every time I start a new project I think about my mother. She was not able to do so much, I do things for that reason. Not that reason alone, but it always sits in the back of my mind. See, it’s easy for me to look at life in the scope of not having to care for anybody but me. I am single with no children, so the sky is the limit. But at one point in time, those people with others they have to look out for, such as their children, were in my current position. But, is it always about children? You have adults taking care of other adults as well. Which is something I am not doing as well. I receive aid from home because I am making strides in my life. But caring for an able-bodied adult who does not want anything out of life, not my problem.

See, in the end, at times we give up our lives to aid people who might be sick, to a child, or because we think it makes us admirable to do so. I understand the children aspect because they didn’t ask to be brought into the world. But you going to work caring for adults who are just as capable of working is not your problem. They have to go out into the world and earn as well. To many people are putting lives of others over themselves when they shouldn’t. You have your immediate obligations which are your children, and parents; everyone else is not an immediate obligation. And it is on them to figure their own life out.


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MONOGAMOUSLY LONELY: WHAT’S KEEPING YOU OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP

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“We all have relationship fears.”


How many of you reading this post are single? Now how many of you are reading this post who are single and afraid of commitment? And that question is the question that so many people have to ask themselves. Not only so many people, me as well. I think that we are afraid of commitment because we don’t want to be cheated on, let others down, and our fears that someone is depending on us. Having to look outside of yourself to care for another human being is tough. And I don’t mean just being parent. Because you have some great parents who are bad boyfriend/girlfriends and spouses. So why is it so tough to commit?

Like I said above, one reason has to do with not wanting to have to deal with infidelity. No one wants to be cheated on because it’s such a deflating feeling. The feeling of not amounting up to the other person’s potential. Or the feeling that you are not as great as you thought you were. It’s those insecure feelings that make people possessive in relationships. And that Image result for infidelitypossessive nature might actually push a person away just as fast as the neglect. When in relationships, you have those self-conscious feelings and doubts about the other person. You’re so insecure at times, that you’ll create cheating scenarios in your head. Scenarios of what the other person might be doing, which prompts you to go snooping for answers. And trust and believe, you’ll find something, no matter how small.

Another reason people have a hard time committing is that you don’t want to be in a position to let others down. We have to meet certain expectations that when single you don’t have to meet. When single, you can be a little more lazy; kick up your feet and relax. When in relationships, you always have to have your A game on. So in the relationship, you have to work, Image result for commitmentalmost like being the popular kid in school. Work to get in, and work to stay in. And it’s a gig that does not monetarily pay. Can you image how successful relationships might be, if there was some type of monetary gain for remaining together? But then again, if you need money as a motivator, you probably don’t like the other person anyways.

But what about the last fear on my list; having someone depend on you to get something accomplished. When you’re single, you depend on you, now you have another person to work your schedule around. You now have to make sacrifices to your life, that you otherwise don’t have to make. It’s a Image result for dependenttough adjustment, especially for a guy like me whose used to being single. Now, let’s add another addition in the mix; a child. What happens if a child is produced in the relationship? Now the responsibility of another life is fully dependent upon you. There is no out once a kid comes into the household. So you are now forced to deal, not just for a few years, or even 18 years, but for life.

In the end, operating in a relationship is tough because it requires you to give up, take on, and accept so many things out of your control. You’re no longer belonging to you, but obligated to someone else. You have to now ask before you make a decision rather just making it. And if the other person is not comfortable, you may have to forgo the decision. That’s right, you compromise. One of the hardest decisions to make is to compromise. Giving up what you want, for the “potential” of success in this new situation.


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NEARSIGHTED GOALS: WHY SOME CAN ONLY SEE WHAT’S IN FRONT OF THEM

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“Is it hard for you to see your potential future?”


Many of us can only see what’s in front us in life. We have a place where we want to be in life, yet we can only see what is in front of us. Everything in the distant appears to be blurry. But if we keep on working at what it is we’re doing, the far fetched place we want to be is not far away. So, what is it, what is it that keeps us fro stepping out into the world? What is it that makes us only see the now and not the future. I myself am very optimistic, yet I have even second guessed myself. So why do we do it to ourselves?

One of the reasons we do it to ourselves is because in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel you have to envision it. Reminds me of a quote by Hellen Keller, “I would have rather been born blind and than to have sight and lack vision.” This is a killer of a lot of people because the vision is blurry for the simple fact that it is either not a real vision or not mean’t for you. We have these idealistic ways of looking at the world. Which is fine, but it must be filtered through the scope of reality. Have a vision for where you want to be, but don’t let it be someone else’s vision. Too often we let others tell us what we should be doing in life. When asked how should I do this and this and that, they say, “I don’t know, figure it out.” You’re taking advice from someone who really don’t know you.

Another reason we only see what’s in front of us is because we have to survive in the moment. And if you’re just trying to figure out how to survive today, it’s hard to see tomorrow or even a few weeks up the road. You just want to be good in the moment. And think about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Only this form of thinking is very damaging and has long term effects.  If you’re only living in the moment and not tomorrow, then tomorrow comes and you’re in a bind, then what? Or better yet you don’t think about ten years from now, then ten years goes by and you say to yourself, “If only I had of started then, where would I be now?”

And here is where people go wrong with their lives. Because they usually say this to themselves when they are still young. For instance, you might see some 30 or 31 year who is very successful because they started at age 20 or 21 years of age. But here you are at age 30 and you are measuring where you are with their success. Reality is that a lot of people start getting their lives together at 30 years of age. So by the time they are 40 years they are comfortable financially. But resentment keeps them from getting there once they give in young. Big mistake.

In the end, you have to have more vision to be where you want to be in life. If you are not where you want, then talk it up. Work on it, and talk into existence. Like I said before on previous posts, your thoughts turn into actions. And if thoughts are not directed in a positive space, it will prolong your success in life.


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MAKING MOVES OR IS IT YOU: HOW CHANGING YOU MIGHT BE THE REAL MOVE TO MAKE

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“What are you really running from in life?”


For me, growing up in a small city my entire life, I decided to move to the big city for graduate school. Living in New York City, you have a perspective of the world that I couldn’t have gotten in the small city. On the other hand, there are people who feel that leaving their small place is what’s holding them back in life. But be careful, are you leaving the city where you’re from because the opportunities or running from something? Me, I am pursuing a career interest in filmmaking/theatre as well as writing my novels. I felt that being in the biggest city in America is the right place to thrive outside of my small city. But some people running from themselves.

And what I mean by running from themselves; they seem to think that the people in the city where they are from are the problem. But what you don’t realize is that there are people just as rude, disrespectful, lazy, gossipy as your small town. Don’t make the mistake of thinking the city is holding you back and not being self-aware of you You could be the problem in addition to the city being an awful place to live. For example, the people in your city think with such a small mind-frame, then when you sit down to talk, you don’t realize how small you think. They can communicate with you because you both think the same. Because if you were thinking above the small stuff, then they wouldn’t be around you anyways.

You see, it’s about being self-aware of who you are in life. A lot of people are not self-aware when looking at their lives. They seem to think that it is always someone else. Someone else is holding them back from doing what they want to do in life. Yet, no one is holding you from doing anything. In reality, if you were busy getting your life in order, you don’t know what others are talking about. So the problem may very well be the environment, but you are part of the problem as well. So you are not running from the people you’re running from yourself. And there is no place to run when running from yourself. You have to face your problems head on.

In the end, it doesn’t matter where you move in America. If you are not willing to change you, there is no use in moving. More so, if you move to a bigger city and don’t change you, you’ll actually have life harder in the new place. People seem to think that running from themselves will make their lives better. But just because you leave a place you hate with this idealistic view of the new place, you’re playing yourself. You are guaranteed to find the same people in your new location. So without changing your outlook in life, you are not going to be better off.


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PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST: CARING ABOUT YOU BEFORE ANYONE ELSE

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“Are you always putting people before yourself?”


Are you a person who always think about the well-being of others before yourself? Do you tend to put the needs of others before the needs of yourself? Have you ever asked yourself where this feeling comes from to save people? Why do you think it’s your job to correct another human being? Could it be because it makes you feel good? Or is it because they genuinely need the help? There are so many of these people who exist in our world. You would think that’s admirable to be one of these people. And in theory, they are good-nature people. But everything you think is great is not always the great thing to do. Well why, why isn’t doing the right thing, doing the right thing.

For starters, you can’t always bend over backward to help people because you’ll cripple them. Just because you think you’re helping does not mean you are helping. Some people need to be put into the ocean and forced to swim or drown. By always throwing them a life raft, you become an enabler. Whereabout you start to stifle your own growth in the process. Then when it’s time for you to get something out of life, the people you helped have drained you so much, their is nothing to bring you up. This is why you must come first before anyone else in the world. Now, this becomes easy to say when you’re single and have no children. But even with kids, if children are always coming first before yourself, then what do you have to give you once they leave your house? Everyone has a hand out, and you suffer in the end.

Another downside of the hand out mentality is that you give and give and give. The moment you say no, you’re now the biggest piece of garbage in the world. You can give 99 times, the 100th time you say no, and that’s it. They don’t remember the 99 other times, just the one time. That’s why you must master the art of the word no. Tough when it’s family, but these are the main groups of people you have to say no to in life. They see you are up in spirits, and instead of using you as an example to propel themselves forward, they impose their misfortunes onto you. People love to welcome others into their own misery because they don’t want to cope with it in life alone.

So see, in the end, it’s not your job to make sure the world is OK. We all have to be responsible for the situations we create for ourselves. No one in this world is responsible for you as an adult. The only one with stake in interest in you being successful is you. In theory, it sounds good to care for others, yet when that care is not making progress in the person’s life, you have to leave them to their own devices. Because there is no nobility in holding down anyone not willing to take the appropriate steps in making their own lives better by way of you helping them. Cutting them furthermore when they are also clearly not willing to reciprocate when you need the help.


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