PARENTAL DISDAIN: WHY SOME PARENTS DON’T LOVE THEIR CHILDREN

black-and-white, boy, child

“No love for someone that is apart of you: cold-blooded.”


To believe that there are parents who don’t love their children is a shocking reality. How could you not love something that you aided in bringing into this world? But believe it or not these type of parents do actually exist. And they don’t love that child for a number reasons. The reasons could be more directed at who the kid was procreated with or even the person’s refusal to love anything outside of themselves. Whatever the case may be, we have way too many children born to parents that don’t love them. But let’s go back to the procreation with the person. What is it about this person that makes you despise your kid.

A child is the combination of two parents, the mother and the father. That combination can make the parents love this child that much more or create a relationship that is built on dysfunction. There are men who walk out on their children because every time they look in the child’s face they see the mother. And there are mothers that see the father in the face of the kid and become immediately turned off. This usually happens when the child is the opposite sex of the parent. So for fathers, he see the mother in the daughter and the mother sees the father in the boy. But no matter how you feel about the parent, is your disdain that strong, where you are turned off by the sight of the kid? Sadly it’s true, the kid represents to the parent the constant reminder of their life’s mistakes.

But why should a kid suffer because of the poor decisions of two individuals? But this is not the only way children lose out. What about the parents who are more concerned with advancing their own lives? There are career oriented parents who would much rather focus on their personal accomplishments than to actually build a lasting relationship with their children. And when you love your personal accomplishments more than you do the sound of your own child’s voice it is seen as a form of neglect. So what should happen for those that are growing up in households where the parent’s have their own lives or inner disdains?

Sadly enough, there is no law that can remove a kid from a situation. If the kid has a home, food, clothes, and not physically being abused, there is nothing legally that can be done. Hopefully that kid grows and become a productive member of society. But too often there are children who are victims of this form of neglect that step into society and harm others. Whether they turn to a life of crime or repeat the cycle and become what their parents were to them. In the end, it’s always hurtful to see the neglected children of the world. They didn’t ask to come into this world. So when they are neglected they have to navigate this world alone. And at times they navigate and are unprepared for what is to come ahead. Hopefully they don’t fall, and if so not too hard as to not recover. Because no one should have to be dealt the hand some children are dealt in society.


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PARENTAL DETACHMENT: WHY EVERYONE SHOULDN’T HAVE CHILDREN

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“It’s a full time job that doesn’t pay; know what you’re doing.”


Growing up, I was always taught that everyone should not bring children into the world. There are young people having children when they are barely adults themselves. And there are parents of what is considered acceptable age neglecting their children because they are more concerned with their own personal lives. So where does this leave the children. It leaves them to fend for themselves in the world. But how do you fend for yourself when you have no clue how the world operates. This is the makings of a bad turnout a lot of times in life because of poor parenting. So what are the consequences?

A lot of the kids who had absentee parents find themselves locked away in prison or having troubled lives on the outside. But what is it? What is it that would make a parent walk away from their child? Just saying everyone is not meant to be a parent is not good enough. There has to be more of an explanation as to why parents are not interested in being parents. One of the reasons I came up with is the idea that a lot of these parents became parents at a young age. When their friends were still out enjoying their youth, they had to sit home with a child. So when the child gets old enough to have the slightest bit of their own lives, the parents run out and get one themselves. But the child is still in need of guidance and needs help.

But then there are the parents who are more concerned with building themselves a career. I live here in New York City, and you see so many kids with their nannies. But the parents give them a kiss on the cheek and send them on their way. They grow to have that respect for the nanny, but not the same for the parents. The parents are cultivating relationships for their career and trying to impress the boss. But they are unaware of what their kid is doing. And most of the time, the kid is off doing their own thing. These children with the nannies at times are very distant from their parents and grow to disregard things that are said to them. It’s hard being a disciplinarian when you’re not around.

But there is another group of parents, and they are the too strict and too overbearing. Their children don’t respect them, they more so fear them. And when the children grow to a certain age, they are known as, “the wild child.” You would think it’s all the kids born and raised in broken homes that are the worse. But the ones growing up in extremely strict environments can’t wait to step into society. They lose it and go crazy once they finally get a taste of freedom. That heavy reign of control over their lives left them not knowing the realities of the world.

In the end, parenting is not something you can read about in a book. They have all the titles, “Dr. Spock,” and  “What To Expect When You’re Expecting.” But you will never know until that child comes home with you. You can read and follow every guide you shall choose to; but life with a child is full of curve balls. And it’s for those reasons a lot of people should not be parents.


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PARENTAL CONFIDENCE: MAKING YOUR KIDS THE BEST THEM THEY CAN BE

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“Be great to them and they’ll be good to themselves.”


In my youth, my mother always wanted to instill in her children that we were capable of accomplishing anything in life. It allowed us to enter the world ready to pursue whatever endeavor we chose. Well, what was her technique; is there even one. Did she do anything with her children that any other parent wasn’t doing? Or was she doing something that every parent just does? Maybe it could have come from how she was raised. Or maybe it was a combination of how she was raised and her own spin to parenting. These are a few of the questions asked from people as it pertains to parents who seek to boost their children’s confidence.

One way parents boost confidence in their children is to go to work and come every day. That consistency makes children know they can not only depend on you, but also gives them a blue print in their own lives. Consistency is important because anything you perform long enough and work each time at, you’ll become great at it. Along with the consistency is informing your children they can be anything they set their minds to in life. But not just saying, showing it by not letting them give up. Letting them know failure happens in life, but to keep persevering.

Another way to boost that confidence in children is to place them in schools around good kids. Kids who are being taught to head in the same direction in life as your child. My entire life my mother placed my sisters and I in good schools. We were always around kids that thought about their futures. It gave you something to think about. The schools also were places where kids could thrive in their learning environments. So many other students in other schools were focused on peer pressure and impressing people around them. My mother put her kids in schools to challenge the ways of the crowd. But what other ways can parents build confidence.

A major way to build confidence is through the idea that confident parents confidently teach. Parents who are not afraid to step into the world themselves are in a position to raise confident kids. When children see you walk outside every morning with your head high they feel they can do the same. Doesn’t matter if you’re having a bad day. The idea is to let them see strength. Because once they see that you are unsure about something they will start to second guess themselves. See, in the end, there is a lot of psychology in parenting. The idea is to get them to believe they can do anything in life without even thinking about it. Rear them at a young age knowing that failure is not an option.


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WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

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“You ever wonder what’s behind their eyes?”

As a young man who has never had children, I often contemplate what it would be like to be a parent. But the topic today is what are they thinking. What are behind the eyes when they look at you? The world to us as adults, is the norm. We don’t see our surroundings the same way an infant does. They crawl, they pick things up, and even try the old taste test by placing random items into their mouths. But of course, there is always the parent near to yank out of their hands the contents that they are about to place in their mouths. Or parents panic as they scramble to remove whatever is already in their baby’s mouth.

But to the baby, they may typically start crying because they don’t understand. They can’t comprehend why you would remove something from their grasp that they are currently consuming. Then again, ever wonder why babies try to eat everything they pick up. What is the reason behind this? Is this some sort of evolutionary response that we can’t grasp as adults. Because by the time you become an adult, there is no thought that goes into eating; you just eat. It’s so involuntary, your days are consisting of shoving random food into your mouth.

But why is the mouth the first choice of the child. What is behind the decision to place a piece of string, a toy, or even ink pens in their mouths. Maybe they realize that hunger exist, but don’t understand hunger. That would mean we as humans are born knowing we’re hungry, placing things in our mouths, yet learned behavior as to what is good or bad for you. The look on the infants face gives off how something taste to them. They either continue to consume if it’s good, or regurgitate if it’s bad. Their taste buds are starting to recognize what they like and don’t like.

Now that we’ve cleared up food, how about the eyes. What are behind the eyes when they look at you? They stare at you, and you smile, then they smile. We are elated by them mimicking us, but why do they smile back? Could it be that they are trying to figure out what our expressions mean? Or could it be that as infants we have that expression, but not only not know what it means, but we don’t understand how it happens. What about when they cry, what is the hurt behind their eyes? It is so hard to see parents not understanding what is wrong with their child, but the child not able to communicate with the parent.

But see that’s the eyes, what about the touch. Children are always picking things up off the ground. And once again parents rushing to their aid to grab what is in their grasp. But why do they pick up everything? Could it be they are trying to understand this world around them, or is it that they are not aware of the hands. The hands could be something that throws them off and picking up random items is interesting to understand how to use their hands.

In the end, the reason they want to taste and touch everything, their eyes as they look about their space, is because it’s new. This new surrounding makes them ultra sensitive to everything. And their senses are too heightened with so much going on at one time. But once they come out of this stage into their childhood they are able to know more and understand more, parents are a little more at ease. Parents feel more secure and the child is more secure.

SILENCE

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“Quietness does not always equate shy.”

You ever see a child who is quiet all the time? You ever wonder, “Wow, that must be one good kid.” Or, “Their parents really done a good job at rearing them.” Maybe neither one is true; maybe it’s because of something more sinister. Have you ever thought for once, maybe just once that a good is being abused at home. Not only mentally abused, but physically. And what do I mean by physically, I’m talking about sexual abuse.

Now, I myself have never been a victim of sexual abuse, but over the years I have heard about some people who have been. They’re either too quiet or acting out way too much. They either over eat to bury the pain or starve themselves to the point of some physical ailment like anorexia or bulimia. There is no average, moderate, nor overall standard for them. Everything they do is in access. Now, that is not to say people who have certain sicknesses are directly linked to sexual abuse, but it’s the extremities that I have noticed.

But going back to the silence for a moment. Whenever I see a small child between the ages of 7 years and 11 who is more secluded than the rest of the kids, I start to question. Why is a child who should be a lot more energetic, cheerful, and full of vigor & excitement live so recluse? Are they shy, or is something else going on that needs to be addressed? Are they afraid to have conversations because whatever is going on at home may result in further punishment.

Ok, let me try to internalize this for a second. When I was young there were a lot of times that I decided to shy away from a lot of people. I wanted my space and wanted to just go to school and play sports. But now that I think about it, I was a late teenager becoming an early adult. Well, when I was a child, I was a class clown. Uh oh, there is another sign, acting out in class. Yet still, there was nothing that happened in my life traumatic. Then again, there were those times of extremes in my life. But, on the other hand that occurred during puberty when a lot of people my age experience those extremes.

So what is it? What are some signs that kids are being molested? Acting out is one of them. Now, there is a difference between acting out and an abused child’s acting out. My acting out was waiting until the teacher turned her back to entertain the class. I was fully aware that I shouldn’t do this, but with age I changed. Abused children acting out may be skipping classes or an inability to fully focus in class. Developing patterns in failure to turn in coursework do to home life. More common acting out is becoming more sexually promiscuous at a younger age than normal.

Sexual promiscuity is quite common because being abused makes one unsure about their sexual readiness. Children start to experiment with other children, and at times introduce other kids to sex too soon. Sometimes young children because of age can’t be too active with those their own age because those their own age have no experience. So abused kids become engaged sexually with older children. Such in the case of a 12 year girl with a 16 year old boy. Neither are ready for any real responsibility, but she really isn’t ready.

Which brings me to the gender topic. We are always looking at females as it pertains to sexual abuse, but what about boys. It’s so hard for boys to deal with sexual assault because as a male you’re expected to be tougher and more aggressive. So being taken advantage of could make you appear weak in our eyes. So we tend to bury things just as deep, if not deeper than females. Especially if the abuser is another guy. Now we are forced to ask ourselves questions that we are not ready to ask.

Am I gay? Why because sex is pleasurable. I enjoyed it, but I don’t like boys, but the molester’s touch felt good physically, but uncomfortable emotionally. And the craziest thing about everything I have been saying is that there are some parents who never talk to their children about sexual abuse. Why, well you might have a parent who was abused themselves and have no confident means of approaching you in an educated manner.

I guess in the end, the sad part is that we may never know why a kid is behaving a certain way. They could be just shy, but when I see a child so young, yet so recluse it makes me wonder. What is their household like where they would rather ball up in a corner than to communicate with other kids their age. Sexual abuse robs you; robs you of so much. Your confidence, your innocence, your sexual identity, and your mental stability. Unless a child know there is someone to converse with who will listen without conviction, they will continue to remain silent.