FATHERLESS: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN BOYS DON’T GROW WITH THEIR FATHERS

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“You are his first guidance counselor.”


As a young boy who grew up in a single parent home without my father, I can tell you first hand what boys miss when they don;t have a man around. Luckily for me, I was able to not only look to my mother, but there were enough men around I could look to, to gauge what it means to be a man. Now that I am 30 years of age, my father and I speak now. This is tough for many considering they have so many grudges they hold for the other parent. As for me, I have learned not mainly the art of forgiveness, but an aspect of life has set in; which is no one cares. The world at large could care less about you not having your father in your life. Because when its all said and done, the world will judge you based on you, not your parent.

Sounds like a hard pill to swallow because you lose so much with that other half not in your life. And what are some of the key aspects of life you miss out on.

RESPONSIBILITY

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You might be thinking to yourself, your mother can raise you to be responsible. But living in society there are different expectations for men and for women. Even as we start to take on relationships, the expectations of men become different. Funny that your mother never sit down and talk to you about the real standards that women have in life. But instead, mothers don’t want to throw too much at you, almost like she wants to protect you more than see you afraid to step out into the world. But a man afraid to step out into the world, is a man headed down an unsuccessful path. You can’t become successful if all you’re doing is second guessing the entire time. And women themselves will learn to not be able to trust you and depend upon you as well. Nothing you say will be taken seriously because there is not that strong male foundation. Mothers are more apt to give their sons a little more leeway than the father. The father is more authoritative when dealing with their sons, while mom tends to be more emotional. And the problem with mom emotions directed toward her son. He grows and starts to take on these attributes. Which is seen as normal for women, but we appear to be weak and unwilling to take action when action is needed. We’re more likely to be sons and friends to women in our lives than boyfriends and husbands.

DISCIPLINE

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Here is the part of life where fathers teach their sons about how to be patient. Here is where young boys get that first hand lesson in good things coming to those who wait, when the one is waiting is focused and poised. Usually boys are quite jittery, but fathers are the ones who whip them into shape. “Boy sit down,” or “Didn’t I tell you to be still?” You’re given these hard directions, that at times come from mom, but they scream louder from dad. And why do we listen to dad’s discipline more than mom’s discipline. It has nothing to do with our love for him more. It has everything to do with the idea that we know and understand, even at a young age the strong staff that dad carries. And that internal feel of dad means business leads into the next thing boys miss out on.

SELF-IDENTIFICATION

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The previous paragraph that explains the understanding we have as men when we are in each other’s presence. That feeling that women don’t have when we as men come cross paths with each other. And you look into the eyes of another man and realize in that moment when he is serious, when he is not who he says he is, and when he is burying something internally. And part of knowing who we are is by way of knowing yourself as well. A lot of boys growing up coming into manhood have a hard time communicating with other men without getting emotional because they lack self-identification. Then they finds themselves in trouble because they are not consciously aware. Not having any man who is truly unaware because he was not taught awareness, is not only a problem and detriment to himself but society. And if you look at the statistics, boys who are more prone to commit crimes and wind up in prison usually didn’t have their fathers to teach them men don’t do this or do that in life. So the boy grows full blown from whatever imaginations is there that is not cultivated by the man in his life.

In the end, boys tend to miss out on a lot by not having their fathers or some man around that they can look to in how to be a man. Like I said earlier, in my life, I could look to someone that was an image of manhood. Some boys in the community turned to gangs as a way to link up with men who served as guidance in their lives. And even though mom plays an intricate role in your life, their is so much you lose that have to learn on the fly by not having a father.


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GENERATION FRUSTRATION: WHY WE AS A YOUNG BLACK DEMOGRAPHIC CARRY SUCH ANGER

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“Where does it all come from?”


Ever see the crime rate in the inner cities throughout the country? You ever wonder where so much of this rage comes from? The frustrations comes from a multitude of issues in the community. It’s not just one thing to observe when trying to figure out why this exist. From the gun violence in the community to the rioting when the police shoot an innocent Black male. This rage comes from internal struggle as well as external struggles. But it’s not indicative of who we are as a people. The black community didn’t have these high crime rates during the 1920’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, or even the 60’s. And this was a time period when we barely had rights in America. Well, what happened?

I’ll say the first issue that came about was actually a positive as well. That double edge sword was the Civil Rights Bills passed in the 1960’s. After this time period Black people had this sense of accomplishment. We felt like the work had been complete. Yet, during the Civil Rights Movement, we had our own communities. Black people had our own businesses, schools, hospitals, and social programs. That Black owned mind-frame shifted after the movement. We thought to ourselves, “Why all the Black stuff, we are free now.” Then, communities dried up as Black people left our urban environments to take solace in upper middle or upper class predominantly White neighborhoods. So money left the community, while at the same time spending was poured outward. Whereas in the past money was circulated through the community.

What happened next, coming into the 1970’s as money left, narcotics took hold. The combination of Heroine met Cocaine, led to high crime rates and bombed out buildings. Fatherless homes left Black women dependent on welfare. Which leads into my next reason for the rage. The lack of a co-parenting  situation that made the women both mother and father. Initially Black men were gone from the house for a few hours. Why, well the family needed money from the welfare system. Then hours to days, days to weeks, and then weeks to months. In no time fathers were gone, beginning to get hooked on drugs and alcohol, while women were the new leaders of the community. Now we have this pride in the woman doing it all, when in reality it takes more than just Black women to keep young Black men out of trouble.

Men and women have different skills, thought processes, and emotions. So it’s no wonder why Black women have had such a tough time raising children alone; especially connecting young Black males. So, with no help and forced to work long hours to provide for the family, more than ever the term latch key kid came into play. With her at work and no father around, young Black males turned to gangs as a means of creating bonds with each other they weren’t receiving at home. Gangs started battling for turf over other gangs which were predominantly Black, leading to an even higher crime rate than before. This time was known as the Crack Cocaine years of the 1980’s and 90’s. Which leads to the rage as well of a generation.

Drug trafficking was an issue coming from the 1960’s throughout the 70’s, but nothing was like Crack. Crack took communities deviations down to nothing. KKK were far removed from our communities, while we took over where they left off. Black women who could have been beauty pageant contestants were taken down by Crack. Hair matted on their heads, eyes blood shot red, skull caps & ripped t-shirts, bodily scares from syringe use and scratching, and diseases stemming from drug use. Women who could have been doctors, lawyers, engineers, educators, were taken down by drugs. Black males were dying and getting hit with conspiracy charges and sent to prison for decades, as well as life sentences.

Then the 1990’s came and went, leading into the 2000’s. After a few decades of mayhem, we felt through this past 90’s into the 2000’s this sense of accomplishment as well. But entertainment became bigger influences than ever. Hip Hop hit in the 90’s and early 2000’s, making these men bigger influences than the Civil Rights leaders of the past. And here is another aspect of the rage from young Black males and females. Our entertainment was now raising us, and we would base more and more off of tangibles then intangibles. Boys were more encouraged to be players and pimps than boyfriends and husbands. And Black women were prompted to chase after ballers over day-to-day working men. So now, pickings are slim because expectations became so unrealistic.

So the relationship between Black men and women was even more fragmented. Then in 2008, the United States elected its first Black president Barack H. Obama. Black people flocked to Washington D.C. from all across the country for his inauguration. That sense of accomplishment reemerged and for the past eight years, we felt success. He, a Noble Peace Prize winner, and his wife Michelle Obama was inspirational as well through her public persona. After they left the White House, people geared themselves for Hilary Clinton, the first woman. But the nation elected Donald J. Trump in the year 2016. A man who pulled no punches on how he spoke. Unapologetic and aggression was enough to make him president. And that feeling of hurt emerged from the Black community. Hate crimes rose and everything felt bleak.

And in the end, that’s the feeling of rage from the Black youth of today. We have constantly been told things are different, but don’t feel different. My millennial generation and generation Y were raised into a community of crime and poverty. We feel lied to and with a feeling of limited opportunities, the rage rises. But there is a flip side to the rage. Trump has also had an inverse effect in other ways. Consciousness among young twenty somethings have risen as well. We may be headed toward another Black Renaissance like that of 1930’s Harlem. So with all the anger and frustration, we need more and more consciousness, especially in this troubling time.