SEEKING VALIDATION: THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-RESPECT

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“You don’t need, you just want to fit in so bad.”


Throughout my life, I never understood the need people have to fit in. And I don’t mean fitting into a society as a human. I mean fitting into these peer groups so that we don’t feel like we’re being left out. We would rather belong to a group that dictates how we live than to be free and be alone. Because who wants to live this life alone. But there is a far cry between being alone and lonely. Celebrities have people all around them and at times they are lonelier than those with no one around. So why do people feel like they need to fit it rather than treating it as a want.

It starts when we are young in school. The children ostracize you from the group if you are awkward. And what is defined as awkward is the kid that does not do what all the other kids are doing. So if you are a kid that walks to the beat of your own drum, you’re a loser. You’re a lame for not wanting to fit into the construct. The kids talk about you and laugh like you’re one of the weird kids. But this does not stop at childhood. It continues on into your teenage years and into adulthood. So we as adults say school bullying is wrong and then bullying takes on a new form once you become adults. People start to play with your head on a more business level. But we still have not gotten to the depths of why it matters to be validated so much.

And the reason being is that we as humans yearn for some form of companionship. And at times we are willing to subjugate ourselves to torment for that companionship. Because we all have these self-conscious feelings internally that we don’t want exposed to the world. This feeling that if we are exposed then no one will want to ever be around us. Yet if we all have it, no one can talk about anyone else. Then again, internal shame keeps us in check and adhering to each other. Maybe at a young age I was a different type of kid. Then again I am a different type of adult. And as an adult people respect you for who you are, not what you’re trying to be.

See, in the end, validation is proof that you are who you think you are; but only by way of how others see you. So you’re the greatest when people love you, and not so great when they reject you. Your identity should be your identity, not someone’s else’s vision. And what’s even more interesting, people, who are heads of these peer groups do as they wish. The more popular person sets the tone for everyone else. Which is a reality that we see throughout life. The head says something, and even if we disagree, we agree for the sake of fitting into the group.


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INTERNALIZED SHAME: WHY IT HURTS TO LIVE YOU IN SOCIETY

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“We all have it, but can’t admit it.”


In our society there is so many taboos that we live with in and around us. But there is one thing we hate to admit. And that is the things we like that make us who we are, yet there is shame connected. Connected because if people found out about the real us, it would make us uncomfortable. What’s interesting is that we all have something, yet we can’t openly talk about it. People who can, we admire them facing the society we live in head-on. We say these people are the ones that are living their truth. But why is it so hard for us to live our own truths?

It goes back to the taboos in our world. But what are some of these taboos that make us have this internal shame. An obvious one is the sexual things we like in our private lives. These things such as being attracted to the same sex. Or not just attracted to the same sex, but engaging in certain activities with the opposite that still may be defined as taboo. It makes us uncomfortable to talk about it. And anyone who brings up certain conversation around our thing we like, we veer away from them. But it still doesn’t change what you are and who you are. When the lights go out and you’re behind closed doors, you do what you do. Still, sex is one, but not the only action where shame is involved.

In society, we also converse a certain way because we don’t want to be shamed. So you adjust the way you talk just to fit into the dominant society. Then, when you are away from the people who you are forced to fake around, you show the real you. And if the people you fake around ever saw you in your element, then it might make you uncomfortable. You’re only being what they want you to be to fit in with them. When in reality, you earn respect from people by being what you are, not what you portray yourself to be. Fitting into a stratus that you don’t belong in, will only last so long before it consumes you.

Well, why do we do it. If so many of us have something, why are we quick to attack others for theirs. One idea I came up with is that we like to hear other people’s dirt and make them try to feel shame because it makes us feel better about ourselves. Someone else’s misery can be of a good thing to you if you’re in a dark place as well. But that also ties into people wanting to know you have dirt so they can feel connected to you as a person. They need something about you to feed off of so they can say, “Wow, they’re just as imbalanced as I am at times.” But a big reason is the hypocrisy of we don’t think people are watching us. We live in our own dirt and get so deep into it, we lose sight of how wrong it is and start to believe in our own bull.

In the end, the feeling of shame will always be there in an accepting society. Our country is more open than previous decades, yet the shame is still present. It will never go away, just because shame so ambiguous. You can feel shame about not only sex and behavior in society, but also other habits that are deemed less offensive, bu they carry some form of negative connotation. And with that, there will always be a demographic of people set aside waiting to judge.


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NEGATIVE THOUGHTS: HOW DO THEY CREEP INTO THE MIND

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“Why do we let intrusive thoughts into our minds?”


It happens to us all, even someone as motivating as myself. We allow certain intrusive thoughts into our heads because these are generally feelings that haunt us in the back of our minds anyways. They are thoughts that sometimes we really want to say or do, yet we don’t act on them. Why, because unlike animals in the wild, we are endowed with a conscious that allows us to make rational decisions. We are not, for the most part, impulsive creatures that do without thinking. Then if we are given so much consciousness, how come these thoughts become so easy to slip in. You would think we could tailor make our brains to think what we want it to think.

That is an interesting concept, making ourselves think what we want ourselves to think. This is how people become successful, they think up all their success until it happens. But if for a moment you allow the negative thoughts into your mind, it can deter you from your goals. Those goals could set you on a path toward the success you want. But for that split second, it stopped you. One of the reasons we allow it is out of fear as well. We second guess out of fear because more is expected from us. The more you give people the more they want. What if you hit a point of not being able to satisfy? So it’s easier being a loser at times.

Another reason why we let thoughts into our mind is because it’s is easier for some to be hated than loved. This is interesting when looking at Black people in America. I have come to a conclusion that sometimes we allow bad thoughts to infiltrate our minds because of what comes with it. If you are successful, what is to come of that. Meaning, who are the new people into your life that otherwise wouldn’t be dealing with us? We have spent so many years being outsiders, how do we deal with new love. Sometimes it’s easier being a villain than being loved. I can deal with being a villain, it’s people embracing me that’s tough. It’s what makes us self-destruct at times. No one expects you to be anything in life, so when you do, we wait for the attack, so we can be brought down and lose.

In the end, the bad thoughts creep into our minds because there is an aspect of the thought that is who we are.  If we have these inner fears and guilt, it sometimes manifest itself in our decisions. Positive thinking is not a given, it is a craft that takes a long time to master. Especially in a world of so much negativity. But still with that said, you can’t run away from yourself with hopes of saving yourself. Your thoughts becomes your actions, and ultimately shape your existence in life.


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